School

As Christmas approaches, so does going back to school. That in itself is not a bad thing, i cant wait to hang with my friends, live with the girls, and get on a schedule but i'm afraid once school starts i'm going to get really busy. That wouldn't be so bad if my boy weren't on the other side of the world meaning we have a limited window of time to talk. I feel like we're in a really good spot now that he's admitted how he feels and I hate the idea of us drifting apart because I'm busy with school and my friends here. It's happened before, i got busy with papers and my life in oz and i stopped talking to people here at home. Heck there are some people I never talked to while i was over there, some because i didn't try and others because they didn't but I hope we both make an effort to try and stay in touch. I'm scared even more that when he goes back to school and ihouse that he'll meet someone new and he'll be busy with school so he won't even tell me or he won't know how to tell me. I'm scared we won't make it to may and that I'll fail ochem and my parents will use that as an excuse to keep me here. I hate being scared.

15

The 15th has always kind of been our day. July 15th is the day we met. August 15th was the day i spent 3 hours playing with his hair, the first time we were really close; the 15th of September was the day we went to the harp and he and Betsy karaoke-ed; the 15th of October is an exception because he was upset about the Harbour Cruise thing;and the 15th of November is the last full day we spent together. So yeah, not that he noticed but it's always been special. And in Australia today is the 16 which makes it 1 month since I left, since we've seen each other, and since we kissed. Sure I've stopped crying myself to sleep and I've stopped randomly breaking down but that doesn't mean this isn't still hard. I miss him like crazy and sometimes it seems like he misses me too. But I don't know exactly what it is we're doing or even what we are. By that I mean I fon't know if we're trying to stay close so that when I get back over there it's like I never left, so we can pick up where we left off or if we're just keeping our friendship up like any friends would. I don't even know if friends is what we are or if we're more. I'm not the kind of person to kiss a male friend and expect us to stay just friends, not that I've ever done it before but to me we're more than friends had been for a while before I left. I don't know what we are and I can't ask because I told him so many times I didn't need a label and I still don't NEED one, I'm just curious. I mean we wouldn't even have to talk about it, he could just put it on Facebook and that would be as good as him asking me. That doesn't apply to a marriage proposal but to be his gf, yeah that would be good enough.

I wonder

Sometimes i just randomly miss him more than you can imagine. And other times I wonder if the reason we allowed this to happen is because we're afraid to be alone but also don't think we're ready for a commitment. Some would say a long distance relationship is more of a commitment because you don't see the person very often, or in our case at all, but I think possibly it's less because we don't see each other. We feel attached and (for lack of a better word) committed but don't feel pressured to be a constant presence in each others' lives because we can't hang out. Not that we don't want to be around each other and hang out but we're still free to live our "pre-July" lives. To hang with old friends and be ourselves with our families without worrying if our families like the other person or if our friends do. I mean i've met his family but it was for a very brief period of time so we can paint each other in a way that people like the one they don't know. My family doesn't know the details but i think my mother at least gets that something was happening or that we were close. It's not that i don't want to tell her it's just she knows i want to go back and i don't want her to get the wrong idea that's all because of him. But i do still wonder if we're keeping this going because we were comfortable when i left and neither of us wants to lose that. I'm just not sure if I'm going to make it back over there and he's not sure he can come over here. But damn i miss him.

It's NOT jetlag

It's him and my computer.
When I'm alone I can be on my computer as much as I want because the light and my typing isn't going to bother anyone. We went to my brother's for Tuesday night to Thursday afternoon and my sister's and I slept in the living room, I couldn't be on my computer because it would wake them up and I'm actually that considerate...some times. Also when I'm alone I'm free to think and cry. And believe me, I cry almost every night. I'm crying because I miss him and think I'm never going to see him again, or because I miss him and don't think he misses me, or because I miss him and now that he's missing me and that kills me. I absolutely hate being in love (if that's what this is), it's almost worse than being single because I now know there's a guy out there that cares about me as much as I care about him and I can't be with him.
Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you I absolutely love UC and my friends down there but if I could would finish my degree over there. I want to be with him (not sexually), to feel his warm embrace and see his big brown eyes look at me like no one has ever looked at me before. To be able to tell him how much I care about him and have him stroke my hair and tell me how much he loves my eyes. SOme people will think this is just another of my silly crushes and that I've just fallen too deep again but I'm the only one who's ever seen the way he looks at me and heard the way he talks to me when he's being, as he puts it, lame.
We chatted on facebook tonight and some of the things he typed i could almost hear him say. I don't know if it was helpful or not to talk to him because on the one hand it made me want to be there with him so much more but it was also nice to be able to talk to him.
Damn it, it's only been a week since I last saw him and already my heart is breaking. :'(
Even half way around the world he's trying to comfort me; boy has his faults but he's still great.

Up late or early...

So since I got back I've had trouble sleeping, some would call it jet lag, heck that's what i told him it was but that's not true. I miss him like crazy and I feel like i can't tell him that because i already have and I don't want to annoy him. I have a tendency to get a little clingy when I'm lonely and I've never felt more alone in my life than the moment i walked around the corner toward security in the Sydney airport. My biggest flaw in my opinion (in matters of the heart) is that when I care I have the ability to care too much or more than the other person. I've been seriously considering going back to Australia, just for him. Sure, I miss the other friends I made and being so close to the beach but mostly I just miss him. I miss the feel of his arms around me in the wee hours of the morning and the way he looked away when I'd look directly into his eyes. The way he was always up for a walk to the beach and his lame jokes, made me feel special. He's an amazing guy and I know I've said that about other guys and I'm lucky to have such amazing young men in my life but even the guys before him pale in comparison to him (and not just because he has such a tan complexion). I've never had anyone take so much interest in me or be so willing to go out of their way for me. I think we really had something and leaving him was one of (if not the) hardest things I've ever had to do. Seriously, ask him how many times those last few weeks I just randomly broke down crying, then multiply that by 2 for the times I wasn't with him. Not to mention I've cried for/about him at least once every day since I got home. I just miss everything about him, I've watched the video he made me at least 10 times and it's only been up Sunday morning. Every song I hear and every thing I do or see I can relate to him in some way. I think I may be bordering on the edge of obsessed and why shouldn't I be I spent nearly every second with him for a week to 2 weeks. Damn I miss him.

Leaving

I don’t know how people can leave their significant others. I said goodbye to him 5 and ½ hours ago and I am finding it really, really hard to hold back the tears, in fact I’m crying at the moment. There are a number of reasons why it may be so hard, for instance there is a VERY large possibility I’ll never see him again in person, as well as I’m alone, there’s no one to talk to so all I’m doing is sitting here wallowing in the memories trying to convince myself that I hate him. He’s the first guy to have ever kissed me and this first that I’ve ever kissed, in that sense he is my first love. I think I could deal with missing him if I knew I was going to see him again but I don’t and that’s hard. It would have been so much easier if we hadn’t gotten close, hadn’t spent the last 4-6 nights laying/sleeping in each other’s arms. I miss him like crazy and it hasn’t even been 8 hours. If I’d left and we’d been on bad terms or if the last thing I did hadn’t been kissing him or if he’d been a little more upset. I know everyone deals with situations/goodbyes differently but his laughing didn’t help. He told me he was going to so I should have expected it and I have a feeling he was doing it to keep from crying. I told him a couple days ago I can’t handle when guys cry. I’d have been touched if he did but I’m glad he didn’t as well. That’s another thing he was so strong for me. I told him I didn’t want to go and although I know he didn’t want me to leave either he’d have made sure that I did.

I’m so glad I got the opportunity to go to Australia and I’m so very grateful to have met him but I don’t understand why I went half way around the world and found someone who wanted to be with me, someone that I can’t be with physically for an extended period of time. I’ve resolved to find a job and go back as soon as I can. I hate this damn 13/14 hour flight and I imagine saying goodbye to him again wouldn’t be any easier, actually might be harder, but to get the chance to come back for a period of time that we’re not and school and spend tons of time together is all that I want right now. I wonder if my parents would understand. I have friends that have made long distance relationships work, like Ohio & Georgia and Ohio & South America, who’s to say he’s not THE ONE for me. Would it be hard for one of us to leave everything we’ve ever know n and live in a different country, yes but if this is true love I’d be more than willing to move to Australia; the beaches, the animals, the education system, it doesn’t sound like a bad life. I’d miss my family like crazy but we’d find ways to make it back to Ohio and when we couldn’t I’d have my own family and it would probably be a lot easier to become a vet in Oz than it would in the states and if not I could see myself as a housewife, taking the kids to school and the beach, caring for our animals and loving my husband for the rest of my life.

 Some people would say it’s crazy to plan my entire life with a guy after only 4 & ½ months but when you’ve been single for 20 years and then you meet someone who has a way of making you hate them and love them at the same time, who tells you the only thing he wants for Christmas is you and who despite your rough/mean personality still wants to spend nearly every second of every day with you, well that’s not something that comes along every day. Damn, I think I may love him. Will someone please turn the plane around; I think I left my heart with a certain Pokémon in Australia. :’( 

Made it to LA finally (actually we landed early but customs here took forever then through security again, I can’t wait to get home and cuddle with my puppy. He’ll understand how I feel and how much I miss him. I used to say there was no person in the world that I loved more than Shiloh but that boy just does something to me.

My Boy

This is probably way too sensitive to put online but hey that's never stopped me before. He and I slept together last night (slept as in actually slept, no sex). To some people that see that as innocent and as nothing's wrong with that but i don't know it's just bugging me because a month ago he was still sayin' we were just friends and now all this close stuff is happening. I think he's starting to regret not giving us a try in the beginning although when i asked he said he wouldn't do anything differently, so maybe not but he's pretty good at saying one thing and acting differently. i hate how he's waited so long and i really don't want to leave him but i want to see my family sooo bad. I am, however, very proud of myself for following his lead and not pushing it like i've done before, we had our moments of disagreement and misunderstanding but he's really one of the best guys i've ever met and it's little things that have caused the problems. All in all i could not be happier at the moment, so long as i don't think about leaving. I teared up 3x last night while with him when i thought about leaving.

Pikachu

He is seriously the most frustrating being I have yet encountered. I haven't the slightest clue how one person can make me so mad and yet so very happy at virtually the same time. I want nothing more than to lay on his shoulder and watch a good movie and he seems inclined to let me most of the time. He'll buy me a flower and tell me indirectly that he missed me, he says he wants to go with me to the airport and we watched the sunrise together. Then there are other times when he says that we're just friends. What kind of guy friend buys a platonic female friend a flower; no guy friend would out of fear of suggesting it's something more, simple as that. No way are we just friends, absolutely not. 

And yet, somehow as the countdown nears zero I'm finding it a little bit easier to think of him as just a friend. It might just be that he's not here right now and I haven't seen him since Thursday so it seems like it's getting easier, no way to tell until i see him, which probably won't be until Tuesday or Monday at dinner. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if he came back with me, got to know my friends and maybe even became a born again christian. I'd love to see what he thinks of America and it'd be super cool because then there would be no reason for us not to date. We'd have 6 months instead of 4 and all of November if he came back and told me he was coming with me. But at the same time I'm kind of glad nothing has happened with him. It would be so hard to leave him if we were involved. It's already going to be hard enough. Not to mention how hard classes are going to be in the spring last thing I need is someone that I have to show around and introduce to people. Not that he's shy or anything but I'm sure he'd be expecting me to hang out quite a bit like I do him but it'd be even more so as he would know no one but me for like the first month and 1/2.
 
I do however miss holding his hand and the random days where we got to spend mass amounts of time together. I'm so weak when it come to physical touch and attention from that special someone. 

But back to the him going to Cincy with me thing, it would be hard because I'm not me here or at least I'm not the me that I am in Cincy. I'm more of the me that I am at home. In Cincy I'm involved in Cru, I'm the go to person on most things UC sports related in Cru and with RallyCats, i'm the dedicated but quiet girl. I go to most of the games and am at every meeting that school doesn't interfere with. Here I'm not involved at uni and I'm not part of some big group in IHouse. I spend a lot of time with 3 particular people. And even more by myself. One of those 3 being him so seeing me in my element at a football game right after we score or in the middle of one of my favorite worship songs at Cru would be different for him. I wish I could be more of that me around him but he doesn't share my passion for Bearcats football or even American football in general and talking about religion is always a sticky situation. Regardless of the facts that his first & middle names and his brother's first name are all religious and he went to a Catholic high school; it's not an easy thing to talk about religion.

He is a special guy, I admire him for so many reasons and he has really changed me; this semester would not have been the same or as much fun with out him and i know i'll miss him dearly but at the same time he infuriates me to know end.

I wanna talk about him

He can be absolutely amazing at times and that leads me to absolute confusion. Two friends and I rented a car and went on a road trip for 6 days. Well we got back Tuesday and had to return the car on Thursday. So Wed. night i asked if he wanted to meet up when we returned the car, because he happens to live in the city we got the car from. He said yeah so we met up with him and he had bought me a daisy. (aww cute!!, yes i know) ------------------------------------------->
Well before I left I was pretty sure we were just friends because that's what we had agreed to but now idk if i should take it as a romantic gesture or as a friendly one. Knowing me of course I'm not taking it as a friendly gesture because he could have bought our other friends flowers too if he was just being a friend. I absolutely love that he bought me a flower, don't get me wrong but should i take it as a sign that he doesn't just want to be friends, anymore? Should i get him something, it'll be about the same amount of time until i see him again. I just don't know. 

UPDATE:
He came back early, he walked into the common room and was like "this girl!!" (which i is better than brah or man) and then he was like "how are you?" I said good and he went off an a semi-tangent "good, just good? not i missed you, glad you came back early?" "I ended my holiday early, came back just to see you...I'm just kidding, it's good that your good" before i had the chance to tell him that everything he had said had just run through my mind, a "friend" of ours walked in and started talking to us. I use quotes because he's friends with the guy and i'm nice to him and the guy considers me a friend but he kinda creeps me (and other girls) out. So yeah he said he was kidding but as the old saying goes "behind every joke is a grain of truth" or something like that.
He promised me a while ago after being rude that he'd by me ice cream and it's been a running joke. so tuesday he and i went out to this look out thing and then w/o it even being brought up he took me to hungry jacks (australia's burger king) and bought us sundaes. I just don't know where we stand anymore.

This guy, uhg!!

So this boy is completely confusing me. Sometimes we are really on the same page like when he only wants it to be just us then at the same time he's not affectionate at all. Take last night for example, we went to the club and I kept trying to stand next to him and then he'd walk away. While there he held up a drink coaster that said hold me but he never wants/tries to hold my hand. We got back to ihouse and he whisper/asks to me do i want to watch youtube videos with him in the red room. Then makes it seem like he doesn't want me to. Then while we are we start talking about me leaving and he tells me he'll be pissed (his words, not mine) if he doesn't get to be at the airport when i leave, to which of course i told him i wouldn't want to (leave w/o him there). Then i try to lean against him and he keeps moving. It seems like his biggest problem is with touching and that's weird too because he seems ok with him touching me in a teasing way just not me touching him in a flirtatious way. Although, he was ok with me laying on him after gala and seems ok with me laying my head on his shoulder every now and then. I just wish I knew where he stood. He even asked me to go for a walk last week but all we did is walk and talk, we didn't hold hands or even stop and look at the beach. Mostly i wish he would just sit down next to me one night and grab my and like he did so many weeks ago... a back massage and some ice cream would be nice too but i'd settle for just him holing my hand.

The evils of drama

what do u do when the one thing u want is bringing up so much that u don't want (ie drama)? I thought coming to Australia would give me a chance to clear my head and straighten out my heart but I seem to have found myself tangled up in a mess of drama and the possibility of a relationship. It's so damn hard because I'm only here for 4 months but at the same time it's 4 MONTHS of a once in a lifetime opportunity why not experience some new things. So far I've tried quite a few things I wouldn't have back home but I don't know if a relationship should become part of that list. I like him I really do and he likes me too but there seems to be an awful lot of drama coming with w/e it is we are doing. From making a mentor (equivalent of an RA) super mad and thinking we were talking about her to some girl who liked him coming back and him having to tell her that he's with someone. I'm just not sure if 3 and 1/2 months (cuz the last 1/2 of that final month would be incredibly hard) of fun, happiness, and the excitement that comes with starting a new relationship (or so i've been told) would be worth all the drama and stress that's bound to arise within the next week. We have classes starting on Monday and that will be hard for both of us because I'm not familiar with their educational system and he's an engineering student so his classes are bound to be difficult. I would love nothing more than to be able to just curl up in his arms and see where this goes but all this drama is going to make it hard. Worst part is I know exactly how hard this is on him because we are incredibly similar. He thinks we laugh the same and i know we think the same because we both hate confrontation not because we cant stand up for ourselves, for me at least it's because it takes me forever to think of just the right way to phrase things. I would rather solve the problem than have a shouting match. It's even harder when the person confronting you 1) is doing it when the two of you were already trying to figure out wether or not to give a relationship a go and 2) is a person of semi-authority so you have to be extremely careful what you say. Uhg, so basically is it worth it?

Subject change

For weeks all that's been on my mind has been going to Australia and I've been doing an incredible job of keeping it off of thinking about everyone I'm leaving behind. Of course there's my bff, M&J , and my new gang but i can deal with not seeing them because i know they'll keep in touch. But there are two people I'm going to miss like crazy and I can't help but break down every time I think about it because one has been so busy with his new life that he can't even be bothered to reply to my fb messages or texts and I doubt we'll talk while I'm over there and it's even more doubtful I'll see him when I get back. Most of all though i'm gonna miss HIM. Yeah, i think i have feelings for someone else and the new guy is great but like i said he'll keep in touch but HE's just a busy guy. If i don't say something to HIM it's doubtful HE'll say something. I just...HE's just...well HE's HIM and if you saw HIM the way i do u'd get it. I'm gonna miss HIM so much and HE just doesn't get what he does to me. How much i like just being around HIM, HIS voice, the way HE flipped HIS hair when it was long and the way he always has a knit cap now. Damn!! I hate HIM so much for doing this to me but it's not really HIS fault. I'm gonna miss him. :'(

3 Weeks

Yep, all that's left is 3 weeks left state side. People keep asking me if I'm excited, (which is kind of a stupid question) of course I am but at the same time there is a lot that still needs to be done, for instance my loan being approved, after that happens then I'll be heaps excited. The people who've been asking haven't the slightest clue how much planning, preparing, and anxiety goes into studying abroad. It's a once in a lifetime opportunity and all that but at the same time it's not cheap nor is it something you just do. I've thought a lot about this for the past 4 years and I've done a tremendous amount of planning and preparing in the last year. However, there are still last minute details to take care of and I'm the kind of person that likes to have things figured out before I enjoy them  so if I don't look/act excited it's because there's still stuff to do. I've also never flown before and I'm terrified of heights so not the ideal situation to put myself in for the first time alone. Everyone keeps telling me I'll be fine and not to worry but none of them are me and none that I know of have ever been in my situation. Sure, I have friends that have gone abroad, even one to Australia but I'm pretty sure they'd all flown before. I'm not worried about being alone when I get over there because I won't be, I've got the group I'm flying over with and James (my Australian buddy) will be there a few days after the semester starts. He says his brother will teach me how to surf, which is exciting and he's coming back from a year in Spain, so talk about a coincidence of me just finishing Spanish 102 & 103. I'm gonna miss my friends like crazy but it's going to be heaps of fun and James has promised to look after me. He has a gf so I'm not even thinking about that but maybe his younger brother...lol jk. We'll see what's to come.

Link to Study Abroad Blog (keep in mind this will be on UC International's website):
Off to See the Wizard

Realizations

You ever have something just hit you, like, wow! I can't believe this never occurred to me before? Yeah, well, that happened to me last night. On one hand, I'd like to say it's been so incredibly hard being away from my best friend that I don't know how I'll go 4 months straight without seeing her but it really hasn't been. Yes, every now and then I miss her like crazy but I've made new friends and while none of them could ever come anywhere near close to my very best friend, a few of them are pretty high up there. It hit me though last night, I won't have any of them down there. I will have no support system and while it will be great to get to be around an animal(s) every day, it will be difficult not getting to see any of my friends. I never thought in such a short time (like two years) that I would have such a strong connection with so many people. It's going to be hard enough losing some of them to graduation but at least if I were staying here I'd have a chance at seeing them at least a few times next fall. J went home early last year so I didn't get to spend spring with her but she could still come visit every now and then. This will be unlike anything I've ever done, different even from college because at least while I'm here I'm only an hour from home. I could go home if and when I had to, I can't do that over there. Don't get me wrong, I realize this is the chance of a lifetime and I'm so very thankful to my super supportive parents and friends but at the same time that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have reservations. I'm not super close with a lot of people, it's just not in my nature to be, so those that I am close with mean a ton to me. It's not even just that I won't be able to hang out with them or get to see them, i will also be 14 hours ahead of everyone in Ohio so it's not even likely that we'll be online at the same time. Maybe if I get on before I head out in the morning and they're on around dinner time or before i go to bed and they're getting up for class... it's going to be difficult is my point. I'm going to give it a shot but it's not going to be easy.

With Friends Like These

This week was an immensely stressful and trying week for me. One of my best friends' birthdays but I'm struggling with her being in the health care related field but still wanting to drink. Sure, she's not going to go out and get drunk but still if she knows how bad it is for her why would she want to do that? I'm all for letting people do what they want even when it comes to drinking. As I type, the RallyCats are preparing for House Crawl, which is a night dedicated to getting drunk and while I care about some of them I wouldn't consider any of them a best friend. I don't want to see them ruin their or anyone else's life because drinking lead to poor choices but I can't stop any of them, not even my best friend.

I also had three tests this week, I already know I got a B on one of them. I'm sure I did really poorly on another and on the third I think I did okay. I study like crazy this week and I'm pretty sure if I'd studied like that last year I wouldn't have had to retake biology but everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't had to retake bio, I wouldn't have made friends with some people and that would be sad because he's a good friend. (Just a friend.) This year has been good. Maybe not the best and there are somethings I wish with all my might would have worked out differently but like I said everything has a reason. God knows what He's doing.

We actually talked about that on Thursday, the "if onlys", just need to let them go and trust that God has it under control. I also have another best friend that just came to this realization, I'm so happy she's finally figuring things like that out. You can give them advice and tell them what you would do but until they decide for their self it won't do anything but waste your breath.

So if this week was so tiring and stressful, why do I seem like I'm in a good mood? (I am if you couldn't tell.) Well, this weekend has made it all worth it. I don't think J realizes how much just hanging out with her makes me feel better. We don't need to have a deep heart to heart, don't even need to talk. Just being around her and knowing that she's there if I need to talk makes everything seem better. However, on the flip side of that she also has a tendency to try and pressure me into talking when I'd  rather not. In some respects the two friends I talk to the most both seem to do that. I do want to tell them stuff but I want to tell them on my terms not theirs. Not every conversation has to include a why or a long explanation, sometimes it's just simple. But getting to hang out and watch movies or study while she watches a movie is nice. I love just hanging with my friends. I like hanging with my friends' friends too. Even if they aren't Christian. I know the Bible says not to be yoked to nonbelievers but if we don't befriend them how are we going to feel comfortable enough with them to share with them. I just don't function in a way that allows me to have deep, personal conversations with people I don't know well but maybe that's a fault in me. All that was yesterday and Thursday though. Technically it was this morning too but that was only an hour or two.

Today was another day where I got to spend time with people I consider friends but am not super close with and I'm starting to like doing that. I'm finding I like getting to know people but I prefer having others I know fairly well there too. For instance, the aforementioned friend I made because of bio was there and so was another close friend ( the one who picked me up from the party). I mean it's not like I didn't know any of them very well, it was just an odd mixture of people. Watched them play tennis and got to know about them a bit better. I found out about their future plans and about their past. It was fun, even got to catch a few rays. That brings me back to the doing things that one knows isn't good for them. Tanning can cause skin cancer, so it's not like I don't do things that aren't good for me but still I hate to see her do something that is bad for her but it's only cause I care about her, but it's her life so I don't say anything and like I said it isn't like she's getting drunk so I'll hold my tongue like I know she wants.

20

Yep, I'm 20. It's  a big deal to some people and not so much to others. Some (that it hurts to hear it from) say it's only 20, not like you're 21 or something, gee thanks, it shouldn't matter how old I am the mere fact that that was the day I was brought into this world and you consider me a friend ought to be enough to celebrate. You better believe that I'm not going to say anything on your birthday to make you feel bad. So you want to drink now that you can legally, okay I won't be happy to see you consume poison but it's your life, do what you want.Just show me a little bit of respect on my birthday. Sometimes I swear it feels like I care more than anyone else. It may be the fact that I'm not close to a ton of people so those I am close to mean more to me or it could just be that I take friendships more seriously than others. Whatever, I'm 20 now and I'm finally definitely going to Australia, no more maybe or depending on finances and that's all there is to it.

Being another year older never seems all that different. It's nice to hear everyone's well wishes and to see their appreciation of you but it doesn't seem like anything's changed. Change can be a good thing and I'm sure in a few months I'll have all the change I could ever want but at the moment it's kind of nice that things are just staying the same. I love Cincy, I love the friends I've made here, sure I wish classes were easier but I could also be putting in more effort than I am. I'm so very thankful for all the love I've seen in the last week, as well as all the sameness. I'm just trying to enjoy my life in Cincy before I leave for a while. I love it here.

Under a rock

Remember my rant about the women leaders of Cru not taking enough interest in the students. Well, my point was proven tonight. One of them asked if I meant Australia when I said OZ. I mean I've only been talking about this since before spring break last year, thanks for paying attention. Almost everyone in Cru knows about my plans to go to OZ and if they don't, I either don't talk to them or we aren't friends on Facebook. Some of the guys were having a discussion about how busy the staff is and all that but at least the guys on staff try to make sure everyone has someone to talk to. The girls care about each other, I hope, but we just aren't as close as the guys. We don't have 5 women on staff either so that could be another problem. If we had more they might be a little bit better on keeping up with the students. I guess the wives of the men are technically on staff but they aren't around very often. I love my talks with J and I honestly am okay just talking to her most of the time but when the one woman that is actively involved in Cru doesn't know I plan on going to Australia until 2 and 1/2(ish) months before I leave, you know there's a communication break down and clearly she's not as involved as she should be. I bet the men leaders know I've been planning this, well maybe not berg because he's super busy but I bet the other 4 do.  I bet even one of the wives does. I mean it's all over my Facebook and I've tweeted about it before. Don't pretend you care when you don't, it's unnecessary and you're not fooling anyone, least of all me.

Laying it all on the Line

DISCLAIMER: I'm sorry if parts of this make you mad but I ask that you do 4 things before you respond, if you respond.

1) Keep in mind that I’m a 19 year old girl

2) Read the entire thing

3) Keep in mind things online don't always come across the way they are meant, so please don't fly off the handle at me next time u see me

4) Remember that you said that you like/admire that I'm so honest and upfront, so this is me being upfront

Idk how much my opinion means to you but while re-reading my blog (yeah, I do that) I came across the one that describes how I wasn't honest w/ u and even when I was "honest" with u, I wasn't. I was afraid of what your response would be if I was, so I twisted the truth a bit. Truth is I thought that don't like her. I guess I should clarify, it isn't that I don't like her, because she seems nice and she makes u happy, that much is obvious but I don't like how you've changed sense she moved up here. I thought that the two had some kind of correlation but like I said she is nice and she tried hard to get to know me. It wasn't bad last spring, you seemed happier and I was okay with that, but since she's been around she seems to dominate your time. And yes, she's important, she is a major part of your life, but it seems like she is your life, nothing else seems to be important any more, not life group, not supporting your friends, and not me, I know we're just friends and you are under no obligation to take an interest in my life, you don't even have to be my friend, God knows you don't talk to me any more, not like we used to. I still see u as an older brother, I like to think we are close and I think u really care about me, at least I used to think so; I’m not saying I could hold a candle to her for your attention but I thought I was important to u.

Do you realize the last time we really talked was on Facebook and even then it was at the end of January? I miss the guy I met last year, the guy that took me out for tacos and told me things not many people knew. The guy that I told about Him and other guys and trusted not to tell anyone. the guy that talked about more than his wedding; that's exciting but what else is going on in your life, how's your senior design coming (that is if your still working on it), how's work, what's she up to besides planning a wedding? I miss the guy that wanted to know about his friends' lives outside of the life group setting. The guy that would actually respond when I sent him a message. The guy that was trying his best to come see me this summer, not the guy that barely seems like he wants to be around me.

I know your super busy and stressed and that your life is about to go through some major changes and I have to be realistic, I may never see you after the last life group/Cru of the quarter because you'll have started a new chapter of your life. First with your wedding and then with starting a full time job and setting up your new house but while you’re still here it'd be nice to have my "big brother" back. I guess what I’m saying is I don't have to try very hard to imagine what it'll be like next year because you are already so distant that I already miss you.

Easter

I didn't go home for Easter and people keep asking me why? It's not that I didn't want to go home but rather home doesn't feel like home not during the holidays that require spending time with extended family, anyway. Don't get me wrong, I love my extended family but sometimes I can't deal with the drama that goes along with them. My immediate family normally pulls together and has a nice time on a holiday but add in the extended family (mostly my mom's side) and things almost always end up ruined for somebody. I don't think it's always been this way but since I'm only 19 I'm not sure if it's because I've only in the last couple years started realizing it or if just started rising. I'm pretty sure thing were good when I was little, not perfect but still pretty good. My cousin says it was our grandfather that kept things inline but I guess I never really paid that much attention to it. It does all have seemed to become more obvious after he passed away but the problems started before that. He could have been but I also thing this has all been coming for a little while at least. It isn't that there aren't days when I want nothing more than to go home and spend time playing with my 2nd cousins and being around the people I'm most comfortable with. Then there are days I hear about how they treat the aforementioned cousin and I'm so very glad I'm not around them and having to deal with their stupidity and irrational behavior. They all treat her like a pariah simply because she got herself out of a bad situation. Sure, she overreacts to/exaggerates some stuff, is attached to her phone like it's her heart, and isn't the most morally sound person on the planet, but the rest of the family is no better. I'm not any better than the rest of them because in God's eyes all sins are the same but the fact that they judge her and turn their backs on her, disgusts me. When I was little (3-9) we lived in Texas and would come visit our extended family in Ohio once or twice a year (christmas & summer). A few times right before we left I remember crying because I didn't want to leave my cousins. We always had so much fun playing school and house. Well, when I was 9 and we moved back "home" (Ohio), I thought it would be great to grow up with my cousins and be around my aunts & uncles & grand parents all the time. It was for a while but the older we got the more off course (unchristian-like) they (my cousins) became. I'm not going to go into all the details because as I've been told this is a public forum and as much as I don't like some of them (maybe even hate) they still deserve their privacy and they are my family. I will never turn my back on them (first). Point is because of some of my cousins' and other family members' poor life choices, holidays can be a bit stressful for someone like me who sometimes has no filter and is always rooting for the underdog. I can see both sides on most things and the things I do pick a side on I'm fiercely loyal to that side. So yes, I didn't go home for Easter, but I also wanted to spend Easter with family, just not mine. It stresses me out. I have proof, too, sorta.
People say acne is stress-induced, correct? Well, since coming to college, while academics have definitely gotten harder and more stressful, my face has really cleaned up, and I think we all know that it can't be because of Cincy's air. I say it's cleared up and that's mostly true. I have a tendency to break out every time I seriously consider going home. It's true. A friend offered to give me a ride home Friday and I started thinking about accepting it and then I broke out.
I had the opportunity to have a little chat with M this morning (yeah no J around so it happened) and he said something that sparked the urge for this "little" blog (more like a long rant, i know). He asked me if I was going home after church, which is a slightly silly question seeing as how that would mean a 4 hour trip for my mom, an hour down to get me, an hour back, a few hours there (2-3 tops), then an hour back down to drop me off and another hour back for her. But he asked anyway, told him no that I just wasn't in the mood to deal with family drama. Then he said it. He said something along the lines of 'Hmm, I'm glad I've been incredibly............blessed that there's never been any real conflict in my family.' It got me thinking, while yes all of the above is true, my life could be so much worse. I am grateful for my family, immediate and extended alike.
Side note:  I also wanted to see what it felt like to not spend a holiday/family get together day with family; it's strange and lonely and I don't like it but now I know. If I hadn't stayed here I wouldn't know and that's why I don't regret it. If you don't try things, you won't learn, and you'll regret not trying.

Spring Break

Well it's Saturday of spring break and as always I enjoy being out of school for a week, coming home, and hanging with my best friend but if we were required to stay in Cincy during break I'm absolutely certain that I'd have had a more adventurous break just because I've built a great community down there. My sister and I saw a movie on Tuesday and got my passport on Monday, so it isn't like I just sat around all break but I didn't do anything majorly exciting. Sure, going to winter jam last Saturday was fun...after we got things straightened out, but I still wish I'd been able to go somewhere and do something, maybe just to Young's or something like that. It has been nice being able to cuddle with my pup and hang with my best friend. Even now it's nice sitting on my porch in our glider typing this out but I miss my friends. I had friends in high school but I barely talk to any of them now and they don't talk to me either. Cincy is more fun, but home is...home. I love being able to lie in my bed and have my parents buy me dinner every night or offer to make me something it's nice. I like knowing my way around and being able to give directions, I like knowing where people are talking about and being known by people. I enjoy the adventure that getting lost brings but I like being able to say you need to turn left here or right up there. I just wish I could combine the two. I want to take a walk with Him around the block and have a picnic in the grass by the elementary school with all my friends. I want M&J to meet Britt. I want to show S what I mean by corn fields in every direction. At the same time, I want to wander campus with Britt showing her everything I've described and telling her about UC.

I'm going to try to stay in Cincy until June, that's only 2 and a 1/2 months but still, it will give the family a taste of what it'll be like in the fall. I'm going to miss walking Shiloh as it gets warmer (he needs it too), walking down the middle of the street with no fear of being hit, listing to the birds sing, seeing the dogwoods bloom (it's great to not have allergies), sitting on the porch in early August just watching the sunset, my niece's first birthday, Shiloh turning 11. The planes flying over all summer long. The memorial day parade, the leaves changing colors, Fall Get Away and possibly Indy CC, possibly my big sister turning 25, My mom and dad's 27th wedding anniversary. While in Cincy, I also miss not having to lock my bedroom door anytime I go somewhere. There's a lot of things I could list but I'll stop. I want this sooo bad, Australia's a dream of mine and it being so close to coming true it's making me realize how much I'm going to miss at home. I'm also going to miss football and volleyball season and that stinks but it's nothing compared to my family. I guess that's all for now, just thought I'd update.

Spring Break has been nice, but I can't wait to get back to Cincy and see my friends, Wednesday and Thursday.

Exam Week

The end of my second year at UC is quickly approaching and it feels like there's never enough time for everything but I know a lot of stuff I need to do I have to do at home, which sucks because it isn't always convenient to go home. I've looked into a lot for Australia, tons of scholarship applications have been submitted, visa application has been looked into, still searching for a job, and  on top of all that I'm still trying to keep my GPA up and take care of this little health care billing misunderstanding. My father served 20 years so I would not have to worry about health insurance, stop being stupid Tri-care. I mostly want to go home just so I can say "take care of this for me, mommy." I'm not 20 yet, I figure that entitles me to have my parents do things for me still. I have been trying a lot harder to pay attention in class and do my best on exams but I really am just not good at taking tests, SOME schools consider that a disability, UC doesn't. Sure, I don't spend every second I should studying but I couldn't even if I had the motivation too. I just don't have the attention span to understand and focus for long periods of time. I need to work with things and be intrigued. My attention needs to be kept with wit and humor. Listening to a lecture and taking notes just isn't a good way for me to learn, I know that and have for years but it's the only way they offer bio, chem, physics, and biochem/organic chem. I have friends that keep asking me to promise them that I'll study more or more frequently but they don't seem to understand it isn't easy for me to study, especially by myself. I need to be able to explain to someone else and have their feedback. That is why I make remarks when my professors are lecturing it helps me remember what they are talking about. So you can imagine an entire week of tests is really hard for me; actually you probably can't imagine. You probably think I just need to get off facebook and stop playing games and just crack open my book and start studying, but that's because you don't understand. I don't have ADD, I can pay attention for extended periods of time but it has to be a subject I have at least a slight interest in, otherwise my brain doesn't see a reason why it needs to spend energy focusing when it could be doing something else.

This week hasn't been too bad, although I'm pretty sure that chem exam is going to turn out terribly, chem is not my subject. I think calc was an A though, Spanish tomorrow morning and then 25 hours of exam free life then bio and I'm free to enjoy baseball, women's basketball, and winter jam with S&D and M&J.

Future

So i was going to use this time to take a nap because I'm exhausted but lately I've been thinking about my future. My degree, going to vet school, Australia, just future in general. J keeps bringing up how her wedding seems to be getting farther and farther away and, every day seems like July is right around the corner. Last night I had the pleasure of sitting between two of my favorite guys on the planet. They both graduate this year, so their lives are focused on future plans and becoming part of the real world/working force. They won't be in school much longer and are in the process of making some major life choices. I think they are both doing a fairly good job too but personally the thought of making those life choices right now scares me to death. I'm afraid, I don't know what I'll do with my life if I don't get into vet school, I don't want a degree in bio because I have no clue what I would do with it if I don't get in. The thought of trying to figure out where I'll be living next year and trying to find a full time job to support myself, those are very scary thoughts. I know what you're thinking, well Sara it's a very good think you've got over two years to figure it out then, isn't it? And yeah it is but at the same time, I don't think I think about it all that much and I feel like I should be, this is my future I'm talking about. Sitting between them and thinking about all they have to be trying to figure out just kind of brought this to my attention. Along with J's consistent talk of her future. The very first thing that brought it up though was my chem grade, I thought I was going to have to drop chem, but I don't have any time to retake it unless I didn't go to Australia so that was going to drastically change my plans for next year. I won't have to retake it and I'm going to come out with a fairly decent grade so all that is okay but then the rest of the week happened and it just got me thinking.

RallyCats Party

Let's start with going to the basketball game, although you have to know they used part of a RallyCats (RCs) meeting to decide on the theme for this party, it started off a pretty good game UC was leading like crazy but in the end it got close and some how WV started scoring to end up winning by like 3, i think. After, and throughout, the game the other RCs were talking about Evan's party. One of them asked if I was coming and she said I really should, assured me I wouldn't have to drink, not that I would have even if someone had tried to force me too, so that got me thinking 'should I go?' I said this year was about trying new things, exploring who I am and getting out of my shell, what's a better opportunity than to submerge myself in a completely foreign environment? (anyone catch the parallel to Australia?) I talked to some friends about it and while none of them flat out said I shouldn't none of them were really all that for it either. One friend, whom before last night I would have only considered an acquaintance, and I talked for a while and extensively about it. His thought behind it was basically that everything is an opportunity for growth and my thought was if I got uncomfortable I could always leave, I'm glad I went even if I didn't stay very long. It was interesting to hang out with the RCs outside of a sporting event or a meeting. I mean I've eaten dinner with them and I went to Pitt with them but to go to a party and be with them when they are drinking and just hanging out was different. If you take away the alcohol and the pong, it wasn't that much different from a Cru party; loud music, people singing and dancing, people playing cards and just talking. I guess that's how all parties are though alcohol or not. I'm not super close with the RCs like I am with some of the people in Cru but if I went to more parties or just hung out with them more I would be and now that I know their parties aren't super crazy I might be a little more willing to do stuff with them. I'm not saying I'm going to house crawl or anything of that sort but maybe I'll just hang out more now. It was fun, even if every one around me was drunk or drinking. As long as I stick to the RCs and avoid their friends it should be fun every time. Their friends are just weird, they were talking about some sick stuff. I had fun, kind of wish some of the people I'm closer to or more comfortable with were there but they had good reasons. Like I said though, I didn't stay very long and I made a friend out of it. While it wasn't someone at the party, it was still because of the party that I now know I can count on him and that makes him a friend in my book. He talked to me about my fears and kind of encouraged me to go but without saying "Go!" or "I think you should go." it was more the fact that he understood I wanted to go but at the same time didn't want to be uncomfortable or in an awkward situation, he just helped me to see why it would be okay to go and then he came and got me when I was ready to leave, which was SUPER nice of him and I really appreciated it, there was no way I was riding back with any of those people, everyone had at least one drink, most more than that, and even walking back with a drunk/buzzed person just wasn't happening. Overall it was a good night and a good experience that might happen again some time. Maybe T will even be there next time, doubt it though, it's like she's fallen off the planet recently...jk i know she's busy.
Addition: Forgot to mention the night started with 7 people in a 5 passenger car, yeah they crazy but I love them.

Chem Exam

I've been looking over stuff for collectively 4-5 hours and I still have 2 and a half hours but I don't know what else to look at, it's only three chapters but it seems like 20 chapters worth of stuff. I'm not good at studying, I don't think I have ADD but my attention definitely has a deficit. I can't focus on chemistry for long periods of time and Bobst really is a bad professor, I haven't met anyone who wouldn't agree with that. I wish I had a better grasp of how to study and chemistry. I feel like I can't retain anything because I don't see how it's relevant to me or my future. I wish there was an applied chemistry course that showed how Van der Waal forces apply to treating an animal. Bobst said that as long as we do connect we will get a 'C' in the class but I'm starting to think he meant that the hw should be helping us to understand the material enough to get a 'C' and of course the homework isn't helping me enough. I can't focus, there is always something else on my mind or just a mental block that I can't seem to understand. If I understood how it all connected I might be doing better but it all seems like random pieces of information and that's not helpful in understanding. Bobst never explains anything fully, he says 'and that makes sense' without ever explaining why. I would go to the SI sessions if I didn't know for a fact that the SI sits and talks about stuff that has nothing to do with chemistry throughout the entire lecture, it's sooo annoying.

Regardless of all my problems with my chemistry lecture I still have to go take the exam and some how mange to pull of a good grade, I honestly believe I'm screwed for the final, it's on Tuesday of exam week and I don't have an exam Monday so you think it'd be perfect, but no my applied calculus final is right before it. I literally have 30 minutes between the two that is sooo stupid.

But I digress, I'm going to go get lunch sit through biology and then it'll be time to see what my little brain can do. Wish me luck.

Time

I've been thinking a lot about time this week. About how much has changed in the last 5 years (because that's a good time frame), the last year and a half (since I started college), and even since September (start of this school year).
In the last 5 years, since I was a sophomore in high school, I've changed a lot, who I like, my faith, what I support, what I participate in, who I talk to, how I spend my time, how much effort I put into things, and even how I dress.
In the last year and a half, since I started at UC, my faith has grown, how I spend my time has leaned more toward an extroverted side, how much effort I put into school, the environment I live in, and even my relationships with my friends has changed, some for the better some not so much.
Since September, the beginning of this school year, I feel like I've grown closer to some people while I feel like I can barely hang on to others. With the help of a very good friend we call J, I feel like every week I understand my faith a little more, every week has a new lesson in store and whether she knows it or not I'm learning a lot from her. I'm learning patience from my roommates, diligence and perseverance from J's roommates, and patience & willingness/ability to know when and how to let things and people go. From Him, I've learned that throughout disappointment, understanding can be found and a friendship doesn't have to end. In M and my "bro" I see strong men trying to do what is right for their loved ones regardless of what others think and I'm learning what truly Godly men should look like.
Most recently though, from Angel, I've learned that what's in the past is best left in the past, at some point we all must move on. I wasn't aware I was still hanging on  until I found out Angel had moved on and I was hurt. If I had moved on like I thought I had I wouldn't have been hurt. I tried to say that it was because A waited so long to tell me but deep down I was hurt because I was jealous. My Angel is someone else's now and I guess I wasn't ready for that even if I do like Him. He's amazing and can make me forget about A in a minute but still knowing that A was always there for me and I meant the all that I did to A made me feel special but now it's time to leave that in the past. I wish A and I were still close and we still talked like we did last year but we don't and that's just how life is. I don't talk to Him nearly as often as I did last year either. Like I said, my friendships have changed and they will again next year as well.
I am continually finding new scholarships to apply to which is good and I'm constantly learning new things that pertain to going abroad so I'm almost certain this is what I'm supposed to be doing. It'll be hard being away from J again but it's only five months and we've done that. It makes me wonder why I keep looking for a boyfriend when I'd just have to leave him in 3 and 1/2 months anyway. Sure, while I'm in Cincy it'd be nice to have that person I can just snuggle up to when I feel...well like I do right now and it'd make hanging with J&M a lot easier, not that I've done much of that lately. She asks, can M come along and of course I'm going to say he can, she tells me how busy they are and how little time they get to spend together, so who am I to say 'No'? but on the other hand I need my J time too, she's like the big sister...well she's like another big sister to me. I like, almost love spending time with M and even with the two of them together, please don't misunderstand, but I never know how to answer that question, if I say 'No' will she be upset? but if I say 'Yes' how much will we really talk about? Oh my dilemmas. Where did this rant start? Oh, right, if I had a bf then J & I could talk while M & he talked, it would just be more equal. I enjoyed dinner tonight, though, M's is a little more extroverted than I am so he's kind of able to keep the conversation going at points when J and I just sit there and trade glances & 'what?'s. I imagine that's actually kind of funny to watch, I'd look up and mouth 'what' and she'd look up and her expression would say 'what', but I like that about us, we can sit and talk or we can sit in silence, she knows if I have something to say I will and every now and then she'll say something, it's nice not having to make conversation all the time.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is tomorrow so I thought I'd do some searching, below is how I (and i think my friends) see me and what I think I need in a relationship.

The Core Motivation that guides me through life is "Peace." This is not referring to a political agenda or the absence of war. It is, however, an absence of inner conflict, much closer to the idea of serenity, and an acceptance of oneself and others. I have a strong and compelling need to keep things in balance in my life so as to maintain an internal feeling of tranquility and comfort. I resist confrontation at all costs. (To me, feeling good internally is even more important than being good.) I am quiet by nature, I process things very deeply and objectively with great clarity. I am the best listeners. I respect people who are direct but recoil from perceived hostility or verbal battle. I need my "alone time" and refuse to be controlled by others. I want to do things my own way and in my own time. I ask little of others and resent others for demanding so much of me. I am probably much stronger than people think, but am not often seen for my strength because I don't easily reveal my feelings. I am receptive to people's input, I see things very clearly and objectively, I am very adaptable, I shine when in my element, and I am calm under pressure. I have the tendency to accommodate what others want instead of having to tell them "no". Consequently, I tend to get overloaded with what other people expect of me and soon I become overwhelmed or end up doing things that I don't enjoy. What happens is that I allow others to take control of the direction of my life instead of driving towards the life that I desire. I do NOT enjoy conflict in the least. It is the opposite of what I crave through my Core Motive of Peace. Rather than get into an argument with someone, for example, I would rather pretend that everything's okay, or I would rather lie in a conversation rather than tell him what I really think and risk the potential resulting conflict. So I don't say anything, until it bugs me so much that a month later it comes out. Let's be clear... dishonesty is not attractive especially when a severe case of "lack-of-backbone-itis," lies at the heart of it, so don't go there. I need to feel good inside, feeling good and comfortable on the inside is more important to me than being good or doing the right thing. So I need someone 1)who doesn't create unnecessary conflict or confrontation, and 2) they need to be able to help me become more comfortable confronting the necessary issues and not allow me an escape route through dishonesty. I need to be allowed my own space. I enjoy being with people, but I don’t need constant social interaction by any stretch of the imagination. I like my alone time, it allows me to process thoughts and to daydream. I need someone who is able to allow me to have my release time. I want to withhold my insecurities. I feel insecure about my various inadequacies, and feel embarrassed and confused about what to do when such things are exposed. Therefore, I tend to guard those feelings of insecurity and inadequacy very tightly even from my significant other. This is not always appropriate nor does it facilitate growth, so I need to find someone with whom I am able to open my heart and be vulnerable to. I want kindness from that special someone. I can be the nicest, kindest person in the world. I don't like conflict, and usually see it as being unnecessary when it manifests itself. I don't like mean people and what they stand for. Therefore, I need a partner who is kind to me and doesn't create turmoil and unneeded stress in my life.

February

It's been a week and IDK i guess sometimes I just hate hearing "it's a public forum, you can't/shouldn't post stuff like that" so I wasn't in the mood to share my thoughts and OPINIONS. But anyway Feb. is a month that I've never really cared for, it's got a weird # of days, it celebrates dead guys and love, and there's normally terrible weather. Only difference this year is the weather has been pretty nice so far. It's been an okay week. I met some girls from Indiana, one of whom may be coming to UC, got to hang with friends and play with a bunny. But on the other hand I also feel like I haven't had time to just lie around and be lazy, sure it's not a necessity but I enjoy having a day to do nothing...by myself. From homework, to hanging with friends, to sporting events, it's just been non-stop. I love hanging with my friends and no one forced me to or to go to the basketball game but I wanted too, however, I just want things to slow down a bit. I have online hw, paper hw, an essay, and a movie all for spanish, chem hw, 4 bio hws, chem lab report and hw and then at some point (before thursday) I need to look at calc. IDK how I'll get through this all but I'm trying and I was even responsible. All of the above is due some point between now and Friday and I've already gotten the spanish hw, 1 of the bio hws, and the lab report done (all today). That only leaves the essay, the paper hw, and the movie for spanish, chem hw, 3 of the bio hws, and my lab hw. It sounds like I still have a lot but the lab report and online hw were probably going to take the longest, 2 of the bio hws aren't open yet, the movie is more of an in class/ kinda outside class thing, and the others I'm just tired.
Sunday was the Superbowl (again as you know) and my friends decided to have a party at their house, so I walked over to their house (it was still light out and it's not that far, don't worry) and that was fun-ish, I sat amongst the guys so I didn't hear a word the announcers said all night but that was okay, the guys kept me entertained. I  have never seen guys talk so much about other stuff besides the game during a football game. Afterwards while getting ready to leave, He piped up and asked if anyone needed a ride, I thought our friend said he did and he lives in the dorm next to mine so I told Him I did too (this way he could just drop us both off and two people wouldn't have to drive over, not that its that far but still) anyway i guess our friend found a different way back, so I ended up riding back to campus with Him...alone it was actually kind of nice, it was a lot like old times, we talked about school and it wasn't really all that awkward, i mean He's never made it awkward, that's always been my doing but it seemed like old times, it was nice. He probably never thinks about it but I do a lot and it's just hard letting go...but I think I'm doing better than I have in the past, I think part of what's making it a lil bit easier is His personality. Just taking it one day at a time, and school is helping, this quarter's been crazy (look almost full circle). One day, I'll look back and think to myself I'm glad I have/had friends like Him who let me be myself and didn't let little things ruin a friendship.
However, all that said I still don't want to be alone on Valentine's day :(

Everything

I said I was going to stop talking about him because it's for the best but this has been on my mind a lot lately. For a guy who has never lived on campus it's awful strange that everything on campus seems to remind me of him.
Calhoun = lifegroup
Scioto = a late saturday night
Sigma sigma = running around in the early hours of the morning and the Cru picnic
Zimmer = all our talks
Campus Green Garage = Dub Step Party & ghost stories
Market Pointe = dinner before lifegroup
TUC = Cru
The stairs in front of TUC = more talks
400B in TUC = where we met
CRC Circle = where we were officially introduced
Braunstein Hall = class at the same time
McMicken Commons = star trippin'
ERC = he was an engineering major
Main Street = where we talked
Center Court = many group dinners
Okay so there are parts of campus that don't remind me of him but they are few and far between. I walk through sigma sigma, ERC, & Zimmer, and past scioto & campus green everyday, it's hard not to think about him. *sigh
While not thinking about him is hard, not talking to him is even harder. It's not like I can't talk to him, I just get the feeling that every time I do, he's going to think I'm doing it to get his attention, to try and change his mind. I learned the hard way though, that changing a guy's mind is nearly impossible. If a relationship isn't something they want, then it isn't going to happen, that's just the simple fact of life. That doesn't make my feelings change, stop, or disappear; it's been a day over two months (exactly) and I can't possibly be expected to have moved on already. It took me 5 months to get over the last guy and I didn't like him any where near as much as I like Him, that's bad because I had an actual chance with the other guy. I try so very hard everyday to not ask 'why me' or 'what is wrong with me' but some days I just can't help but wonder what the big guy upstairs is thinking and why HIS plan is seeming to take so long. People say that special guy will come when I'm expecting it the least, but I won't stop expecting/wanting it until I give up and I'm not known for giving up, so it's going to be awhile. I'm constantly telling myself to let it go and lately, I think I've done fairly well not thinking about finding a boyfriend but that could be because I keep thinking about Him. I can't help but feel like there's supposed to be some thing there. How can I be so wrong about my own love life, when I'm so good with everyone else's? A friend and I had dinner tonight and He happened to be in TUC as well (complete coincidence, I swear) and I guess she noticed my glances at him because she asked if I was still had a crush on him. It was part of my motivation for this post and honestly if you've ever met the guy, you would understand why it is so hard not to like him. I don't regret telling Him, not in the least, but I hate how it semi-ruined our friendship; the one thing I wanted more than the relationship itself, to keep our friendship intact and while He still says 'hi,' he doesn't initiate conversations anymore and it almost seems like He avoids talking to me when He can, but that might just be my paranoia (which is a subject for another day).

Lesson Learned

Every Sunday morning I wake up just wanting to go back to sleep I seem to find the sermon highly relevant. This morning it wasn't really the whole sermon but more like pieces. For instance James 1:26, says "If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless" I need to learn to bridle my tongue, too often I say things that are just aren't things that should be said. He (the pastor) also brought up the whole conflict of not trying to be part of the "in crowd". I shouldn't be trying so hard to fit in and be liked by the right people. Some people do that in high school but in high school I could have cared less about fitting in because I had my support system and family and knew they were always there for me. Down here though, sure, I have a few really good friends that I know will always be there for me and almost everyday I'm reminded how much they care but some days it is as if I can do nothing right and that is hard. To be torn down completely, leaves me feeling defeated and useless. Being uninformed is another thing that makes me feel useless.
Back to the lessons though, so I'm spacing a little while typing this I'm so tired for some reason so let me summarize. 1) Need to watch what I say 2) need to stop caring so much what others think about me or more of who I'm hanging out with and how much. 3) that jealousy is an ugly thing and there's no need for it but I am definitely the jealous type, saw that twice this past week. 4) that I need to stop complaining about my grades when I wait until the last minute to study or don't study at all. 5) I'm starting to realize I am way better at acting like I have everything together than I ever will be at actually getting anything together. 6) I could probably change my major to a subject I'm better at like math or English and settle for just having animals in my life but I don't want to give up on my dream. 7) If anyone else I know had had the weekend I had they would be pretty happy and have said it was a great weekend but for me it was just okay. It was great to get to spend some time with the girls of Cru but all night I kept wishing the guys had been there. It was nice to have dinner with friends and to get to spend some time just chilling and being around a cat but at the same time I was wishing it had been a puppy and well other things, I like cats but they just aren't as much fun. Then church this morning, with friends again and even lunch afterwards with them, I wish that happened more often but at the same time I'm glad it doesn't because it makes me think too much. I have a problem, instead of enjoying being around my friends I am constantly thinking about what could make it better. I don't understand why I can't just enjoy life. I think it's because I'm not happy with life. I'm constantly trying to be and to please others so they will be happy so it's easier for me to be happy that I never relax and just enjoy things. I can think of only a handful of times I have been truly happy recently and most of them were last school year so they aren't even recently. They involve a good conversations or simply just hanging out with certain people. Most involve a certain two people but there are a few with some others. Majority of those times will never happen again because of lesson #1. I don't know why I can't just keep some things to myself.

MY blog

I've been told multiple times, by many different people, at innumerable times in my life that my mouth is going to get me in trouble. Whether it be a sarcastic remark, my inability to keep my opinions to myself (sometimes), or a judgement that I have no right to cast. I've been told by friends and strangers alike. My express purpose for creating my blog was to put my opinions out there and I don't care about most people's opinion of what I say. However, that brings me to my next point have you ever been chastised by someone you look up to or admire? Then don't you just feel like crap because they are one of the only people who's opinion of you, you actually care about? Well, yeah that just sucks, but I'm truly lucky to have the friends I do, because they are willing to defend me when I'm wrong or to tell me when I'm wrong, while still trying to help me understand why. Hugs are great and as strange as it may sound (I know I'm being random) I think Coco was brought into my life so I'd have something physical to hold onto during times of stress and drama. He also helped me study for my bio exam today, Yeah I'm weird and opinionated, but most importantly I am me, and that is all I will ever be.