Leaving

I don’t know how people can leave their significant others. I said goodbye to him 5 and ½ hours ago and I am finding it really, really hard to hold back the tears, in fact I’m crying at the moment. There are a number of reasons why it may be so hard, for instance there is a VERY large possibility I’ll never see him again in person, as well as I’m alone, there’s no one to talk to so all I’m doing is sitting here wallowing in the memories trying to convince myself that I hate him. He’s the first guy to have ever kissed me and this first that I’ve ever kissed, in that sense he is my first love. I think I could deal with missing him if I knew I was going to see him again but I don’t and that’s hard. It would have been so much easier if we hadn’t gotten close, hadn’t spent the last 4-6 nights laying/sleeping in each other’s arms. I miss him like crazy and it hasn’t even been 8 hours. If I’d left and we’d been on bad terms or if the last thing I did hadn’t been kissing him or if he’d been a little more upset. I know everyone deals with situations/goodbyes differently but his laughing didn’t help. He told me he was going to so I should have expected it and I have a feeling he was doing it to keep from crying. I told him a couple days ago I can’t handle when guys cry. I’d have been touched if he did but I’m glad he didn’t as well. That’s another thing he was so strong for me. I told him I didn’t want to go and although I know he didn’t want me to leave either he’d have made sure that I did.

I’m so glad I got the opportunity to go to Australia and I’m so very grateful to have met him but I don’t understand why I went half way around the world and found someone who wanted to be with me, someone that I can’t be with physically for an extended period of time. I’ve resolved to find a job and go back as soon as I can. I hate this damn 13/14 hour flight and I imagine saying goodbye to him again wouldn’t be any easier, actually might be harder, but to get the chance to come back for a period of time that we’re not and school and spend tons of time together is all that I want right now. I wonder if my parents would understand. I have friends that have made long distance relationships work, like Ohio & Georgia and Ohio & South America, who’s to say he’s not THE ONE for me. Would it be hard for one of us to leave everything we’ve ever know n and live in a different country, yes but if this is true love I’d be more than willing to move to Australia; the beaches, the animals, the education system, it doesn’t sound like a bad life. I’d miss my family like crazy but we’d find ways to make it back to Ohio and when we couldn’t I’d have my own family and it would probably be a lot easier to become a vet in Oz than it would in the states and if not I could see myself as a housewife, taking the kids to school and the beach, caring for our animals and loving my husband for the rest of my life.

 Some people would say it’s crazy to plan my entire life with a guy after only 4 & ½ months but when you’ve been single for 20 years and then you meet someone who has a way of making you hate them and love them at the same time, who tells you the only thing he wants for Christmas is you and who despite your rough/mean personality still wants to spend nearly every second of every day with you, well that’s not something that comes along every day. Damn, I think I may love him. Will someone please turn the plane around; I think I left my heart with a certain Pokémon in Australia. :’( 

Made it to LA finally (actually we landed early but customs here took forever then through security again, I can’t wait to get home and cuddle with my puppy. He’ll understand how I feel and how much I miss him. I used to say there was no person in the world that I loved more than Shiloh but that boy just does something to me.