Ochem

Nothing will kill your spirit and motivation faster than realizing you don't have any idea what you're doing in the one class you need to pass most. I'm declining the job at Domino's so i can put more effort into Ochem and so i thought i could volunteer at the SPCA but apparently the pre-vet club isn't doing that on Saturdays anymore and Saturday is the only day I can do it. I'm not going to RallyCats tonight because they're just watching the basketball game and I just generally don't feel like doing anything. I feel like giving up at being involved and going to school. I want nothing more than to be in his arms and have him tell me everything is going to be okay. But I may have even screwed things up with him. I told him about being a Christian and how it doesn't matter if he's not but I am curious as to what he believes which isn't what's got me worried, I actually think he's okay with that. What's got me worried is that I asked him what we are, as in are we dating or what. It didn't bother me while I was there because everyone over there could tell how much he cared about me and that we were practically together, most people probably thought we were. But he said he's been thinking about it too so i guess that's a good thing. I mean he kissed me first and he's done so much for me there's no way he doesn't care about me but that doesn't mean he's going to be willing to put his heart on the line and say he wants to be in a relationship with someone who (at least til i finish school) lives on the other side of the world. Looking at it from an outsiders point of view it seems crazy, not unheard of but crazy. We'd have to have something pretty special to do that and we do if you consider we've both felt something since the day we met. I just don't know i feel like I'm losing everything i care about and if i lose him I just don't think i'll have much left. Other than God and since Australia I'm not sure how strong my faith is regardless of what i told him.

Screaming!!

i wrote this a couple weeks ago, i still miss him but i feel better about most of the rest of the stuff

I MISS MY PIKACHU!!
I just needed to scream that. As midnight approaches so does February, the month of love, romance, relationships, and mushy-gushy-ness. I thought after meeting him in July and the way things were going in November that I would be excited for Valentine's Day. Thinking maybe he'd do something great for me or even something small but meaningful but I'm starting to realize that no matter what he does, short of flying over here, that day is just going to suck. I miss him on a day-to-day, actually more of a minute-to-minute, basis but a day that is devoted to spending time with that one person or those few people that you love most in the world (see I can say world because I do love people all over the world) is going to be really hard. I'm not super close with my family but even being able to curl up with my mom would be nice on that day but I won't be able to do that either. I'm lucky in a sense because it's a Thursday and that means I get to be with both the RallyCats and some Cru people because of life group but none of that compares close to how I feel/felt when I was in his arms. I felt safe; I knew that for once in my life someone was only thinking about me. My parents love me, my sisters say I'm the favorite, brother knows he is but I’m probably a close second, but they think about all of us and want all of us to be safe and happy. All he wanted when he held me was for me to be safe and happy. Okay, maybe it made him happy too but I know that he was also doing it because he cares about me. Worst part is that since I can't be with him or my mom (or my puppy), the next best thing would be to be with J (and M) like freshman year.  But they're engaged now, that means wedding planning will begin soon and after that the actual wedding and before too long they'll be starting their life together and I’ll be without my best friend. I haven't told anybody that yet but I hate the thought of losing her and as much as she might try and say things won't change and that she'll still have time for me, it won't be the same. I know it's selfish to think like that but sometimes she's the only one that gets me (down here) and even when we don't agree or get busy with school or life I know she's always there for me. That's what I'm most afraid of, I already feel slightly out of place at Cru because while most of them will say they are my friend, very few of them bothered to reach out and ask how things were going in Australia. Sure they wanted to hear stories but only if they didn't have to go out of their way to send a measly message and that really hurt. I left Cincinnati feeling great, on top, people were going to miss me and when I got back they'd be so excited to see me. I got back and hardly any of them even notice I’m around half the time. At life group tonight we talked about feeling alone, well that is exactly how I feel without my Pikachu. Pikachu, I choose you. :(