8 years Later

 As I sit here at 3:00 in the morning on what could be the precipice of a whole new chapter of my life I can't help but think that today will also be just another Monday. I will (hopefully) fall back asleep after I get all of this out and wake up in a few hours, watch some TV and/or YouTube videos, then get ready for work and go. However things are changing for me and his name is T.

It is still very early and I'm not sure where this is headed but he makes me feel safe, seen, listened to, and cared for. I want to say this feels different but when I really think back on the beginning of everything with A, I know I was obsessed with him, too. I'd like to say this time will be different, I know who I am and will maintain my sense of self and not make my life entirely about him, I will certainly try. I'm still going to push myself to do things on my own that I want to do like I did last summer but it will be nice to have someone to adventure with, as well

There are, of course, some differences; for one I'm not 21 and just satisfied to have the attention of the opposite sex. For two, I believe I know more of what I want out of a relationship and feel like I will be more willing to end things if I'm not happy; rather than more scared to be alone again. While being in a relationship is nice because most of the time it means you have someone constantly there to do things with and turn to; when things ended with A, B showed me I have had that since I was 9 years old. She is my best friend and even if life gets busy she will always be there for me. I love her so much and despite whether she knows it or not (I think she does) she has been my rock for the last year and half.

While I don't know what the future holds for T and me, I feel good that we are looking for similar things and seem to be in a similar place in life. A and I, while technically adults when we met, were still in school and trying to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives and what we wanted out of life. He wasn't technically the first guy to show me the attention that I, sometimes, crave a little too much but he was the first willing to commit and build a relationship with me and for that reason I will probably always love A. However, I think after graduation, when I was ready to settle into a somewhat predictable routine, he was still trying to find himself and rather than realize that we were clinging to the familiarity and comfort of each other in the big, scary "real" world; we continued to try to make a relationship work.

When it comes to relationships, I used to think they were so simple. That is to say, the person you are supposed to be able to tell anything to and trust them with all your secrets, so it only seemed natural that you would make the effort to sit down and talk things through, avoiding harsh judgement and trying your best to accept them as they are, but as with most things in life there are other elements at play. You still want to be appealing to them and no matter how secure you feel in the relationship, I think everyone struggles with the fear of doing or saying the wrong thing and losing everything they've built in a snap. I'd like to say this time around I will be more open and honest from the very beginning, this is me and if that's not what T wants, then I move on and try to find someone who does. It sucks being alone, away from B, but as my dad continues to point out there is nothing that says I have to stay in Cincy.

So to wrap this up, I'd like to make a promise, to myself, and T, or any other future man. I promise to try and always be honest, to speak up when I have something to say, to listen when you have something to say, and to pay attention to our relationship and genuinely work to keep it going out of desire for you and not out of fear of being on my own. I tend to overthink and I always will, the blog is supposed to help with that, but in those moments I'm going to do better communicating my feelings; whether that's typing them out or talking them through. In return I hope to be able to be a sounding board for your dreams, thoughts (overthought or regular), ideas, and feelings.

All of this to say that I'm excited for the future and yet to everyone else this will just be another Monday.

Sleep

I'm really good at sleeping... when I don't need to be. When I'm supposed to be asleep, it's hard. When it's an acceptable time to be awake, I can sleep for hours. Something about being alone, not knowing how I'm going to manage the real world when it comes and everyone constantly asking about it, is stressing me out.

I know I need to find a better paying job and I have been looking but it's not that easy and I know I'm mostly to blame but even if I did have a license, a car is expensive and with student loans impending, there's no way I could afford one. I will never say I wish I had stayed closer to home or not gone to Australia because those things made me who I am and led me to my man but it definitely would have been cheaper and I could have been there for my best friend. I so wish I could have been there for her. I miss and love her so much.

I know many of my college "friends" would say God has a plan for me and I don't doubt that but I don't want to be practically broke before He reveals it. And to be honest I hate working, it's not that I'm lazy or lack a work ethic, if I could find a job/career that involved taking care of animals that didn't require so much experience (that whole vicious cycle thing - no experience = no job = no experience) i would have no problem working, otherwise I would much rather own a few dogs and be a stay at home wife & mother (i know people say that's not a job, for the sake of this blog let's say it is). 

I'd send my amazing man off to work (the job he enjoys more than anything I've ever done) in the morning, after having packed his lunch, then I would feed the dogs. Next, I would wake our son and get him ready for school while feeding his little sister her Cheerios. After dropping the boy off at school, little sister and I are headed to the library for some books. Then later to the park and be home in time to have dinner ready by the time my man gets home. It wouldn't always be perfect but I would be happy with a life like that.

But for now I stay up late at night worrying about the impending doom that is student loans due and a lack of health care that the president wants to fine me for not being able to afford. Que sera, sera.

Reflection

It has been almost 7 months and tonight (this morning) feels like a good time to reflect on those months.

Sitting here in another new apartment, that is again only temporary, has me thinking how the last year of my life nothing has been permanent. This time last year I was in Defiance working at a summer camp that I knew I would not be returning to the next summer. I was being nice to a guy I knew I was only being a friend to because he's the only one who was siding with me but would never have talked to anywhere else. I had signed a lease for an apartment that was temporary with a girl that I was never truly friends with because it meant I didn't have to live alone but I thought I could be civil with, until it was time to find somewhere new.
This time last year I was still pining over a guy who only ever saw our relationship as a short term thing. I had changed my major and dream simply to have something to tell people when they asked what I wanted to do after I graduated, until I figure out what I really want to do. August came J & M tied the knot and our friendship hasn't been the same since, then came another round of classes & classmates that would be friends until spring semester started. A job was offered but quickly faded when not enough customers were coming in. Spring came and more new temporary people entered into my life. Warm days took their sweet time getting here but they got here and I was temporarily disabled, then classes ended. A new job came along and before school starts I hope this experiment in stupid people testing my patience ends and I find something better and more permanent.

The only new thing that has entered my life in the last year that has been constant has been my boo, A. The last 5 & 1/2 months he has been my rock. Without him I truly do not know where I'd be. He is everything I need and his constant presence is the one thing that helps me get through everything. I hope that never changes. He is my constant. <3

Doing Better

I really thought I was doing better, I was even starting to believe that my psych prof's lecture on anxiety and depression had helped and that by shedding some light on depression I was understanding how to avoid these feelings better but then I hit that moment. The moment after you spent 6 hours alone, talking to yourself in a dark room, playing/getting frustrated at Candy Crush, and reading random stories online, that you hit a line in the story that triggers innumerable amount of memories. Memories that you thought you had repressed and thought could no longer hurt, that you felt certain no longer held any meaning and that you were moving past them. But not when you read a line like "you were the one who said you never truly forget nor stop loving your first love.", you read a line like that and suddenly you're feeling a whirlwind of emotions you're hurting and wishing you could just go back, and telling yourself for the 3 millionth time that 'if only you had stay just a week or two longer he wouldn't have given up so easily' and that maybe instead of pointing out the 1 year mark from the day you left on Facebook, maybe you'd be celebrating your one year anniversary together (or at least via Skype). And all that thinking brings up the thoughts that instead you are alone and feel nearly friendless and that you have so many other things to worry about like what you're going to do in a year when you graduate; if you don't find someone before then, then when are you ever going to meet someone. And why can't you just be like everyone else and maybe your major is all wrong and why does no one ever take time to look beyond the façade you've built so well... like he did which takes you back to him and just wanting him to leave you alone but you don't want to be alone. And you realize you are trapped in this vicious cycle.


Oh to live in my mind, now that is to know real fear.

Not Every Night, Not Even Most

I don't have much trouble sleeping during the school year, school and life just exhausts me but ever since March there have been nights that I've struggled. As we head into November they've become almost non-existent now and for this I am truly thankful for 2 reasons. 1) I like sleeping and 2) I really don't want to dwell on this anymore, it's not fair to me and is giving Him way too much power over me. But tonight as I lay here, trying not to dwell on the past and that could have/should have/ might have been only if... I can't help but realize that it's been almost a year since I've seen Him in person, it's been 7 months since I've seen Him via Skype, and it's probably been about a month since I've even crossed His mind, as I'm trying to see if not talking to him on FB will help; so why do I still let Him control me? Why does He get to be loved by two when no one seems to give me a second thought? I ABSOLUTELY HATE that He is still my first thought when I hear a love song and even more than hating that, I hate that deep down I think if I were to go back to Australia (whether it had been last may or January 2015) that I still think He'd come running back to me and I'd accept Him. Why should I? I did nothing wrong, He's the one that should feel like crap, should spend countless nights not sleeping, missing me, trying to figure out if there's any way imaginable to get me back. It's not fair and I know life's not fair but I deserve so much better than Him and yet, for some reason He's still the only one I want, the one I compare every guy to. This sucks, I just want to move on.

Moving On

Some people think it's long past time for me to move on and don't understand why I would even think about giving him a second chance. Well the logical side of me doesn't understand it either. Honestly, I really want to. I want to move on and find someone new, forget about all the pain he caused me and beside all that to be able to sleep peacefully at night. Clearly my subconscious hasn't let go yet. Late at night, normally when I've had a really nice day, my subconscious finds a memory that I thought I'd hidden way deep down, tucked into a folder in a filing cabinets that sits in a dark, dusty corner in my brain (not that my brain is dusty). It pulls out said memory and plays it like a movie in my head, its favorite seems to be the last night that I actually slept in Australia (which was the night before my last night, the Wednesday of that week). I still can't believe that is an actual memory and not just a fantasy, it's memories like that, that make him so hard to forget. I try and I try but when you go from feeling safe and secure to heartbroken and betrayed by the 1st person... well just from by Him, sometimes your heart tries to trick you into thinking the good memories out weigh the bad actions. Not true, but the heart has a mind of it's own, at least mine does.

Thankful

Almost every day Liz or Jody will post a blog entry from a woman who only got to be with her baby for 10 hours before God took her, and as I reflect back on this past week on how much I have hated my life, being alone and just generally feeling unloved, I realize I am loved beyond my wildest dreams.
I have some great friends, maybe not as many as I thought, before I left for Australia, but still the few I do have I know love and care about me, and I have my parents who would do almost anything for me. I should be so much more thankful than I am toward them, and as I was reminded yesterday after making an off-handed remark, I am looked up to and seen as a role-model by 5 fourth graders; I'm admired and a child's love is always true. My older sister and best friends are always there for me and my brother's in another country fighting so that I can continue to live in a country that lets freedom and not injustice stand.
 

So while I may be single and there are so many things I WANT in my life, fact is I'm alive and God has provided all that I NEED. My life was not cut short and clearly I have a purpose in His eyes. In His eyes I am wonderful, beautiful, and worthy of giving a chance. A chance to figure out this crazy thing called life, to go after my dreams, new and older, to make my mark on this world. And any guy on this planet who doesn't see that, isn't worth my time and shouldn't be taking my attention away from the things in my life that matter, however that doesn't mean I'm just going to forget him, he still means a lot to me and I hope we'll always be friends, he taught me too much to just toss him aside and that's why I love him (as a friend). My life could be so much worse. To quote Lee Greenwood "I thank my lucky stars to be livin' here today".

 

Now let's see how long I can keep up this positive mood.

 
Ps. If not for a very important couple, I'm about 90% sure I'd have lost hope in true love after last spring. Individually and together they have taught me a lot and inspire me to persevere in everything. Whether, it's her listening to me drag on and on about nonsensical things or it's him, just the look he gives her sometimes, it gives me hope that one day I find a man that loves me like he loves her or even if it’s the two of them unwittingly showing me that no matter what others think or what obstacles you face, if it's meant to be, it'll happen. They are truly an inspiration, I should thank them and give thanks for them heaps more. All in all I am blessed.