As I sit here at 3:00 in the morning on what could be the precipice of a whole new chapter of my life I can't help but think that today will also be just another Monday. I will (hopefully) fall back asleep after I get all of this out and wake up in a few hours, watch some TV and/or YouTube videos, then get ready for work and go. However things are changing for me and his name is T.
It is still very early and I'm not sure where this is headed but he makes me feel safe, seen, listened to, and cared for. I want to say this feels different but when I really think back on the beginning of everything with A, I know I was obsessed with him, too. I'd like to say this time will be different, I know who I am and will maintain my sense of self and not make my life entirely about him, I will certainly try. I'm still going to push myself to do things on my own that I want to do like I did last summer but it will be nice to have someone to adventure with, as well
There are, of course, some differences; for one I'm not 21 and just satisfied to have the attention of the opposite sex. For two, I believe I know more of what I want out of a relationship and feel like I will be more willing to end things if I'm not happy; rather than more scared to be alone again. While being in a relationship is nice because most of the time it means you have someone constantly there to do things with and turn to; when things ended with A, B showed me I have had that since I was 9 years old. She is my best friend and even if life gets busy she will always be there for me. I love her so much and despite whether she knows it or not (I think she does) she has been my rock for the last year and half.
While I don't know what the future holds for T and me, I feel good that we are looking for similar things and seem to be in a similar place in life. A and I, while technically adults when we met, were still in school and trying to figure out what we wanted to do with our lives and what we wanted out of life. He wasn't technically the first guy to show me the attention that I, sometimes, crave a little too much but he was the first willing to commit and build a relationship with me and for that reason I will probably always love A. However, I think after graduation, when I was ready to settle into a somewhat predictable routine, he was still trying to find himself and rather than realize that we were clinging to the familiarity and comfort of each other in the big, scary "real" world; we continued to try to make a relationship work.
When it comes to relationships, I used to think they were so simple. That is to say, the person you are supposed to be able to tell anything to and trust them with all your secrets, so it only seemed natural that you would make the effort to sit down and talk things through, avoiding harsh judgement and trying your best to accept them as they are, but as with most things in life there are other elements at play. You still want to be appealing to them and no matter how secure you feel in the relationship, I think everyone struggles with the fear of doing or saying the wrong thing and losing everything they've built in a snap. I'd like to say this time around I will be more open and honest from the very beginning, this is me and if that's not what T wants, then I move on and try to find someone who does. It sucks being alone, away from B, but as my dad continues to point out there is nothing that says I have to stay in Cincy.
So to wrap this up, I'd like to make a promise, to myself, and T, or any other future man. I promise to try and always be honest, to speak up when I have something to say, to listen when you have something to say, and to pay attention to our relationship and genuinely work to keep it going out of desire for you and not out of fear of being on my own. I tend to overthink and I always will, the blog is supposed to help with that, but in those moments I'm going to do better communicating my feelings; whether that's typing them out or talking them through. In return I hope to be able to be a sounding board for your dreams, thoughts (overthought or regular), ideas, and feelings.
All of this to say that I'm excited for the future and yet to everyone else this will just be another Monday.
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