Everything

I said I was going to stop talking about him because it's for the best but this has been on my mind a lot lately. For a guy who has never lived on campus it's awful strange that everything on campus seems to remind me of him.
Calhoun = lifegroup
Scioto = a late saturday night
Sigma sigma = running around in the early hours of the morning and the Cru picnic
Zimmer = all our talks
Campus Green Garage = Dub Step Party & ghost stories
Market Pointe = dinner before lifegroup
TUC = Cru
The stairs in front of TUC = more talks
400B in TUC = where we met
CRC Circle = where we were officially introduced
Braunstein Hall = class at the same time
McMicken Commons = star trippin'
ERC = he was an engineering major
Main Street = where we talked
Center Court = many group dinners
Okay so there are parts of campus that don't remind me of him but they are few and far between. I walk through sigma sigma, ERC, & Zimmer, and past scioto & campus green everyday, it's hard not to think about him. *sigh
While not thinking about him is hard, not talking to him is even harder. It's not like I can't talk to him, I just get the feeling that every time I do, he's going to think I'm doing it to get his attention, to try and change his mind. I learned the hard way though, that changing a guy's mind is nearly impossible. If a relationship isn't something they want, then it isn't going to happen, that's just the simple fact of life. That doesn't make my feelings change, stop, or disappear; it's been a day over two months (exactly) and I can't possibly be expected to have moved on already. It took me 5 months to get over the last guy and I didn't like him any where near as much as I like Him, that's bad because I had an actual chance with the other guy. I try so very hard everyday to not ask 'why me' or 'what is wrong with me' but some days I just can't help but wonder what the big guy upstairs is thinking and why HIS plan is seeming to take so long. People say that special guy will come when I'm expecting it the least, but I won't stop expecting/wanting it until I give up and I'm not known for giving up, so it's going to be awhile. I'm constantly telling myself to let it go and lately, I think I've done fairly well not thinking about finding a boyfriend but that could be because I keep thinking about Him. I can't help but feel like there's supposed to be some thing there. How can I be so wrong about my own love life, when I'm so good with everyone else's? A friend and I had dinner tonight and He happened to be in TUC as well (complete coincidence, I swear) and I guess she noticed my glances at him because she asked if I was still had a crush on him. It was part of my motivation for this post and honestly if you've ever met the guy, you would understand why it is so hard not to like him. I don't regret telling Him, not in the least, but I hate how it semi-ruined our friendship; the one thing I wanted more than the relationship itself, to keep our friendship intact and while He still says 'hi,' he doesn't initiate conversations anymore and it almost seems like He avoids talking to me when He can, but that might just be my paranoia (which is a subject for another day).

Lesson Learned

Every Sunday morning I wake up just wanting to go back to sleep I seem to find the sermon highly relevant. This morning it wasn't really the whole sermon but more like pieces. For instance James 1:26, says "If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless" I need to learn to bridle my tongue, too often I say things that are just aren't things that should be said. He (the pastor) also brought up the whole conflict of not trying to be part of the "in crowd". I shouldn't be trying so hard to fit in and be liked by the right people. Some people do that in high school but in high school I could have cared less about fitting in because I had my support system and family and knew they were always there for me. Down here though, sure, I have a few really good friends that I know will always be there for me and almost everyday I'm reminded how much they care but some days it is as if I can do nothing right and that is hard. To be torn down completely, leaves me feeling defeated and useless. Being uninformed is another thing that makes me feel useless.
Back to the lessons though, so I'm spacing a little while typing this I'm so tired for some reason so let me summarize. 1) Need to watch what I say 2) need to stop caring so much what others think about me or more of who I'm hanging out with and how much. 3) that jealousy is an ugly thing and there's no need for it but I am definitely the jealous type, saw that twice this past week. 4) that I need to stop complaining about my grades when I wait until the last minute to study or don't study at all. 5) I'm starting to realize I am way better at acting like I have everything together than I ever will be at actually getting anything together. 6) I could probably change my major to a subject I'm better at like math or English and settle for just having animals in my life but I don't want to give up on my dream. 7) If anyone else I know had had the weekend I had they would be pretty happy and have said it was a great weekend but for me it was just okay. It was great to get to spend some time with the girls of Cru but all night I kept wishing the guys had been there. It was nice to have dinner with friends and to get to spend some time just chilling and being around a cat but at the same time I was wishing it had been a puppy and well other things, I like cats but they just aren't as much fun. Then church this morning, with friends again and even lunch afterwards with them, I wish that happened more often but at the same time I'm glad it doesn't because it makes me think too much. I have a problem, instead of enjoying being around my friends I am constantly thinking about what could make it better. I don't understand why I can't just enjoy life. I think it's because I'm not happy with life. I'm constantly trying to be and to please others so they will be happy so it's easier for me to be happy that I never relax and just enjoy things. I can think of only a handful of times I have been truly happy recently and most of them were last school year so they aren't even recently. They involve a good conversations or simply just hanging out with certain people. Most involve a certain two people but there are a few with some others. Majority of those times will never happen again because of lesson #1. I don't know why I can't just keep some things to myself.

MY blog

I've been told multiple times, by many different people, at innumerable times in my life that my mouth is going to get me in trouble. Whether it be a sarcastic remark, my inability to keep my opinions to myself (sometimes), or a judgement that I have no right to cast. I've been told by friends and strangers alike. My express purpose for creating my blog was to put my opinions out there and I don't care about most people's opinion of what I say. However, that brings me to my next point have you ever been chastised by someone you look up to or admire? Then don't you just feel like crap because they are one of the only people who's opinion of you, you actually care about? Well, yeah that just sucks, but I'm truly lucky to have the friends I do, because they are willing to defend me when I'm wrong or to tell me when I'm wrong, while still trying to help me understand why. Hugs are great and as strange as it may sound (I know I'm being random) I think Coco was brought into my life so I'd have something physical to hold onto during times of stress and drama. He also helped me study for my bio exam today, Yeah I'm weird and opinionated, but most importantly I am me, and that is all I will ever be.

Drama

Recently drama has been a prominent topic in my life and I thought I would share with my readers my OPINION on the matter. But first my new friend Coco would like to say hi.

Hi!!

Recently, one of my past teachers passed away and I simply stated my opinion, as I do in EVERY blog. Well, okay, I'll admit that was one of those times where I really shouldn't have. I know how I would feel if someone said what I did about either of my grandfathers, although I'm not one to care much what other people say, I know not everyone is like that. Then when one person brought it up, they and a bunch of other kids I went to school with got all mad and yelled. They called me a bunch of stuff, amongst which was NOT honest, open, nor opinionated (imagine that!!) instead they settled for things like "extremely rude, hurtful, and disrespectful", " unchristian", & " absolutely despicable", and then you have the opinions "We cannot make Sarah (copied, if you’re going to insult me at least spell my name correctly, gosh) less of dumb bitch or punish her for her complete intolerability as a person, of which we were always aware". 
My favorite and the only one I'd agree with came from a guy I know of but who certainly does not know me, he called me "a confused soul who is trying to discover true charity and love that comes with being a Christian". I have a few questions for those people, most of who have never had a conversation with me in their life and will now probably harbor a grudge against me for the things I said.
1) Why are you dissing someone for saying their opinion?
2) Why does what I say matter so much?
3) Did any of you besides the original person ever think to confront me about it?
4) If you're going to criticize someone don't you think it'd be best to quote them exactly?
5) If you think you're so much "more Christian" than me, why don't you show some compassion and pray for everyone that may be like me, just sorting out feelings and trying to forget past hurts?
6) All I want to know is why anyone was reading my blog? (I don't mind if people do, I really don't care either way, I'm just wondering why that post? No one from high school seems to care or have anything to say about anything else I post, so why now?)


We're all sinners who are trying to be more Christ-like. Romans 3:23-24 says “for ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and ALL are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus”. The only person who has ANY right to punish me is my creator, it doesn't matter if the worst thing you've ever done is swear, every sin is the same in His eyes and yet He still forgives.

I realize I should not have said what I did and I shouldn't retaliate or rant on my blog about how unjust or angry they make me because then I am straying from trying to be more Christ-like. I am human and will make mistakes every now and then but I should no better than to get angry over other people's opinions (not in anyway meant to be sarcastic).

Anger and guilt

This morning Michael (pastor at CTK) talked on anger and i talked to my friend sarah about it, had a fairly decent in length convo about it and then tonight I blew up at another friend...kind of. I'm only human, I try but I'm not perfect. That's the anger part.
The guilt part is I had no clue who JoePa was before yesterday and he was a great man who will be missed by many but I do know who Julie Grusenmeyer was. She was the choir teacher at my high school and the band director at my middle school. It is sad that she died, as she is a mother of two and mother-like to many more. I'm sorry that she died. She will also be missed by many.

The subject of death has got me thinking when I die I'd like people to know I was sarcastic and sometimes just down-right mean but also that I was fiercely loyal to my friends as well, tell people I listened like no one else and I tried to help when I could. Nobody is perfect and I'd like to be remember as who I was.

Talent

I have had so many different thoughts about how to start this and what to write (type) about. I know I have other posts that jump from topic to topic but tonight's topics are all so very different it would be hard to do. So I'll stick with the four big ones.
First: It's 9:30 on a Friday night, I'm 19, and I'm sitting alone in my dorm room; some may not see a problem with that but I HATE it. I'm not big on talking to people all the time or even being around people all the time, however there are some people I wouldn't mind being around and even talking to almost all the time. I'm not saying I have to be doing something every second of every day like this afternoon I really needed that nap.
Second: Have you ever watched a really good TV series? I don't just mean one that was well written or entertaining, I mean one that you get drawn into, one that makes you feel like all that's happening is real, so much so that when your favorite character cries, you cry; when the two everyone wants to see get together finally do your rejoice; you know like how some people are about Glee. Yeah, well I don't like letting shows do that to me, because it sucks when they get cancelled and they never have the chance to wrap things out, ex. October Road, I'd suggest you check it out but then you'll hate how it "ends", it's on Hulu if you still want to though.
Third: I've been thinking lately about my sister-in-law's posts about my brother and I know nobody and no relationship is perfect but seeing a post from her almost everyday about how much she loves him and how great of a man he is. Along with seeing how they interacted at Christmas I can't help thinking I'd like a husband like that. Is it strange that I want a husband like my brother? IDK but he's a great guy and an amazing brother, so although there is a guy in my life I say is like a brother to me since there is such a difference in ages between my real brother & I and we're not that close, I wouldn't trade my brother for anyone on the planet. The other guy is great too but since I'm around him more its easier for me to see his flaws, sure my real brother can be a bit meaner than he means to be and he's not around as often so he has flaws too but he's my blood so of course I love him more...I have no clue what I was trying to say with all of that, I love them both.
Fourth: You guys have seen my ability to draw well that is not my only ability. I'm good at many things...I think, I just don't always know what those things are. So my question now is, would you like to see another of my talents??
Let me know and depending on the response you may get to see the benefit of reading my blog.

Why am I awake??

It's a valid question, another valid question: why am I kind of excited to take my 1st spanish TEST (in a year and a half, maybe a little more) tomorrow? I have a sore throat which is causing my ear to hurt (left, not right, don't worry).
Side-story --------------------> When I was little I used to get ear aches a lot, more than your average little kid, somewhere between the age of 6 and 8 the Otolaryngologist (ear, nose and throat Dr.) found a hole in my right ear drum, yes that can actually happen, no I don't remember any of the pain or surgery (I was asleep obviously). They did surgery, took part of the healthy tissue from my left ear(drum??) and patched the hole in the right (I think, again I was little). So I AM slightly deaf in my right but apparently not enough to be considered a handicap or learning disability, although lately (for about the last 3 years) I have been able to tell the difference in volume (should probably get it looked at).<-------------------- End of side-story
Back to my point, I'm excited to take a test, now mind you I don't test well on multiple choice tests but can figure things out fairly well when writing that's why I like most math tests, well not like but do well on. I think I'm just excited to see how well I can do because I am a bit competitive when I think I should be or I am good at something. Some times that's a bad thing because I make little mistakes because I fly through things but if I take my time I should be okay. Then I have four hours of nothing and then Bio and Chem, uhg! But then I get to go talk to J about the book she gave me and it's really given me some insights and I've only finished the first chapter. Maybe I'll read a bit more during those four hours, then I get to have dinner with a friend and hear about her trip, maybe ask her a few questions about some stuff I've been wondering about for Australia, of course I could ask M or a few other friends but que sera, sera. Then Cru and don't get me wrong on what I'm about to say, I look forward to Cru every week but this week just feels different, I'm almost more excited than I've ever been and last year I had a very good reason to look forward to Cru almost every week. Then it will be Thursday, which means my 1st applied calc quiz but it's just basic review of algebra and geometry (only 5-6 questions) no big deal but then RallyCats and lifegroup. I love RC meetings because they are run quickly and efficiently, they may start late but the meeting doesn't get side-tracked (very often) and doesn't lag; it's not boring though. I love the RCs, they are so very different from Cru and yet, lately the two have been colliding more and more. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that but it could be a good thing, it'd be awesome if the RCs came to The Maze next Wed. I mean some of Cru goes to the games and heck some are even athletes so yeah they should come support it and it's going to be super cool. But I digress (I wonder how T feels about me starting that sentence with 'but'?) I still don't know why I'm still awake.

Home

I come home about once a month, it's not that I try to or even that I plan it that way, it just seems to happen, I've gotten every thing I came home for, even got to celebrate my Mom's birthday with her. What I wasn't expecting though was for her to go out the night I got home or tonight. I guess I kinda figured she'd want to spend some time with me. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I get homesick or even that I'd have spent hours on end just sitting, talking with her; our relationship has never been like that. She watched part of the men's basketball game with me and took me to get food for school but we haven't eaten a meal together since I got home and I was hoping to get the chance to talk to her a little more about Australia but that hasn't happened and probably won't. I'm 19 years-old, technically an adult but she's still my mom and I'm still her baby. I never expect their lives to stop just because I come home but seriously her birthday was part of the reason I came home, work with me here woman. Every time I come home it seems like something has changed, like I'm more of a visitor (unless they want me to do something...dishes or getting wood) than a member of the household. I can't imagine what it'll be like when I get back from Australia, which my mom seems to be taking a lot more serious than my dad who keeps saying 'If", that is really bugging me. He's the one who is always like your ___ years-old you can do what you want but he just doesn't seem very supportive about all this.
I have begun finding things to help with the financials and after I get all of that done, I need to figure out where I'm going to live when I get back. Most importantly right now though is keeping my GPA up and actually learning things. I need to find a chem tutor, I think I'll be okay in bio, math, Spanish, and lab; heard a girl in bio on Friday say that she would be perfectly happy just taking lecture and never having another lab, I almost laughed out loud. I've taken all 3 freshman labs and believe me bio lab is nothing, I'd rather take lab.
Coming home after it's snowed has also reminded me how bad our central heating sucks, I don't think it's as bad as the Marshal house but it's definitely not my dorm room, Australia in November will be nice :)

Thinking

Been doing an awful lot of it lately, some about school most about life though. I've been looking into different life groups, I've been to three this week. I don't feel like I belong in any of them. 1st is the band life group which was nice last year because I wasn't quite ready to let go of that mind frame but now I'm okay with that not being a part of my life (at least not a huge part). I don't see those people that often and I don't really have a connection with them, although they are great people and I will miss a few of them. The one I went to on Tuesday (in Stratford) is made up of people I don't know very well and I think of the 3 I like that one best because they don't know me all that well either and it almost makes things more comfortable but we didn't really talk about anything deep so we'll see how that goes, I also don't like walking over there, since it's dark out and getting colder (finally). 3rdly there's the Women's life group and while I don't know everyone there really well, it's probably the one with the most people I am close too.  It includes the two lovely ladies who brought me to Cru, J and one of her roomies whom I had a class with last year, a girl I really got to know this summer/fall, and then the girls my age, who I'm not super close with but are the ones I probably should be, we're the same age, at the same point in our college careers and other stuff. Then there are the newer girls some who annoy me and others I just don't know very well and one who's brother I'd like to get to know. So it's not that the entire group makes me uncomfortable just certain members. For instance tonight one of them said something I completely disagreed with but I felt like if I said something I would have been calling her out and I didn't want to cause a rift or start anything. But then there are other girls in the group who just crack me up but also cause me to want to say things I really shouldn't. What's funny about this: "Nobody wants a President who isn't well liked, is ugly...that guy won't get voted for"...Um, Obama? (that's the thought that ran through my head, bad I know). That is the thought I had to bite my finger to keep from saying.
Back to subject, thinking; I've been thinking about Berg's talk yesterday and what I put my hope in. I probably don't need to tell you guys (& girls), you can probably tell me, they are the things I talk about most; love, relationships/friendships, travel, money, a good education, my future, and the list goes on. I put a ton of hope into love, I think that having a guy tell me he loves me will be all I need, I hope that having a lot of close friends will dissolve my anxiety of being alone and depressed. I think that going to Australia will break me out of my shell, give a chance to find a job (there) and help me get a job (when I get back). I think money will help me achieve my dreams faster/easier, I hope a good education will prepare me for vet school and then the real world. I think and hope my future along with MANY other things will make my life better and will make me happy. I hope in a lot but not very often do I hope in Jesus and the salvation He has provided me.
Thinking again; I've noticed, and it might just be a coincidence, if I mention someone in particular in my blog and they read my blog they have a tendency to confront me or change how they're acting, i find it interesting.
Thinking more, started a book last night, it's called Abba's Child by Brennan Manning, I'm only half way through the 1st chapter but it's interesting so far. It's got me thinking about how I present myself before not only other people and God but also how I think of myself. J and I are "going through it" together, not exactly what all that will entail but it'll give me a chance to see her more and we can always talk about other stuff, too. I'm not exactly sure of her reasoning as to why or why now but it seems like a pretty good time, other than my crazy school schedule but we'll see where it goes. God has used her in a lot of different ways in my life I'm sure He has a reason.
Been thinking about him, too. J asked me how that (my...relationship, idk what else to call it) was going. Now I know I've said before that it's awkward & strained and that it's MY fault. I am 100% aware that if I just walked up to him and started talking to him he'd just go with it and we'd be okay, but like I told J, I'm hurt & angry and because of those two feelings I'm afraid I'll say something I don't mean or will one day regret. Now if that makes it sound like I'm upset with him let me clarify, I'm not mad at him, I'm angry with myself (and maybe God, just a little bit) for continuing to allow myself to not forget it and go back to being friends and also upset that I keep letting myself get hurt. I'm not hurt by the way he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship (because he never said he didn't like me) because he couldn't have been better in the way he responded. I'm hurt because...well if you read my last blog you know how great I think he is, he's everything I want in a guy minus about 4 inches but i could live without those 4 inches. I'm hurt because I wanted it to work sooo badly which brings me back to the putting my faith in false idols. Ahh, a full circle interesting.

Sitting in TUC (fondly Tucky)

You know like the Tucan?? Tucky the Tucan?? :)
Anyway so I was sitting in TUC doing my Chem hw and while there i saw at least 8 of the guys from Cru (including him) and it got me thinking (which is a dangerous thing). I don't understand why the guys in Cru are all so close...well that's not exactly true, I do understand that, what I don't get is why the girls aren't as well. Even the male leaders are super close with the guys. I don't know if it's because we really only have one female leader (who I personally have only ever really talked to once) or it's just that their are too many girls for all of us to be really personal with each other. I've always (the past ten years) had a best friend and I know I could probably tell her anything that's not how we work and I'm okay with that because there are others that I talk to, I know that sounds really weird but it's just the way we work. So like I was saying, The guys are all super close (well except maybe one or two but there are always exceptions) and I find it amazing that all three male leaders were in TUC and each was talking/counseling a student. I know people are going to get mad when I say this but my blog I'm going to say it anyway I think the female leader needs to reach out more. Sure, our student female leaders and upperclassmen in general, do a pretty good job of trying to be there for the younger students but they have classes and jobs and their own lives to deal with, not that our staff don't have their own lives but it's their job to reach out to us, isn't it? Sure, it works both ways I could ask to talk to her but it'd be nice to be asked, to have an adult (someone older than 22) ask how I am, what's on my mind, or even if i just want to talk. Yes, my blog has been great for getting my thoughts out and kind of let's me let people know how I am and I probably wouldn't really open up to her anyway because I don't know her all that well but it seems to me she doesn't reach out to anyone outside of the "in" crowd girls and I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Sure it'd be hard to meet with all of us even once a month let alone once a week but no one's asking her to, I'm just saying maybe every now and then ask if someone needs someone to talk to or try to get the older girls to get more involved. J has been amazing this last year and a half, I can 100% say if not for  her I wouldn't still be at UC. She's an amazing friend and a great listner, she takes time to talk to me and trys to make me think about why I think the stuff I do, but like I said she has her own problems and classes and M, although she tries to make time for me, she's just busy. As well as she knows I'm always here for her but what happens when I need someone else to talk to or J is simply too busy, then there is maybe one or two other people I talk to but again they are busy with school and other stuff to, it isn't their job to talk to me. If you were to ask me if I have friends in cincy I'd say yeah, a ton but if you ask me if I have any close friends I'd say 3, MAYBE 4; while that's a lot for some people, one is soo busy planning their future they don't realize how much talking about it hurts me, damn I'm gonna miss him :'( the other two have super stressful school schedules, and the other one, well they're great but they've got one heck of a social calendar...which is strange considering they consider themselves antisocial. But I digress I guess I just wish the girls in Cru were closer and the female staff was better at reaching out. Confront me about it and I'll deny I typed anything.

First Week

The first week of the year is officially over and I do feel like somethings have changed. The first (almost full) week of classes is over too. I don't feel incredibly optimistic about this quarter but I'm going to do my best and seek out help whenever and wherever I can.
Along with things changing, I feel I've learned some things too. For example:

• the word "stud" is drastically overused among my male friends
• Letting little annoyances get to me is a good way to not stick to my resolutions
• My computer (wi-fi) is not beneficial to Bio or Chem (mostly chem)
• I have a hard time focusing on anything else when I'm talking to certain friends
• I think I'm happier when I'm crushing on someone than when I'm not (truth)
• Trying to stop myself from liking anyone only makes me focus on him more (insanely difficult to deal with)
• Twitter is a lot faster for communicating but not really all that private
• I can be honest and accepted/understood
• Some people understand better than I expect, so I need to give them a chance before I decide they won't

Changes I've seen in the last 7 days:

• The guys seem to grow closer everyday (makes me wonder why the girls aren't that close)
• I've let go of a lot of things that would have bothered me before
• People are starting to listen to what I say (and realize when I'm right)
• I'm really just letting things  happen (and it's working)
• Australia is becoming a greater reality (every day)
• Comfort zone is breaking down
• New things are being explored and getting to know new people
• Speaking up more often

And yet some things will never change.

• I'm still not part of the "in" crowd but that I'm okay with (most days)
• Some of my friends still don't realize they may not be looking at all the options
• Other friends are still goofy, weird, and love-struck despite minor arguments
• I don't have a boyfriend (working on being okay with that)
• Listening AND hearing God are still challenging
• Time still isn't abundant
• I'm still lazy about homework or lesson (class) related things
• I can't stop thinking about wanting a boyfriend

Now I'd like to address something I pointed out "I think I'm happier when I'm crushing on someone than when I'm not" some people would call me crazy others would simply ask me why well it goes hand-in-hand with "Trying to stop myself from liking anyone only makes me focus on him more". The more I tell myself (and hear others say) God will bring the right guy into my life when it's time the more I can't help but think about the last guy I told about my feelings for him. I don't think more highly of anyone on the planet than I do of him. It's not that I don't realize he has flaws and that there are things that would make it difficult for us to ever get married (not that I'm thinking that far ahead) but it adds to my point. He may not be perfect but he's everything I want in a guy, personality-wise, physically he's missing about 4-6 inches and maybe 20-30lbs of muscle, I wouldn't mind is he grew his hair back out either (sigh such pretty hair all gone), but I digress. He makes me laugh at times when almost no one can but he's got this serious, intellectual side to him as well. I could go on and on about him...but I won't seeing as how I know how he feels and I've already done that (I think). Back to my point though it's more fun to be crushing on someone because I get a little more flirtatious and I'm a little more gung-ho to do things and I enjoy things a little more because there is someone there I want to be spending a lot of time with. That's not to say I don't want to spend time with my friends but you see the difference, right? Yeah so I think I have more fun when I'm crushing on someone. My only problem with crushing on someone new though is I just told him so it doesn't seem like it's been long enough for me to get over it although it's really been at least 6 months coming. I just wish I could quit wishing, absolute certainty that things are going to work out how I want would be nice but that's not the way God works, insanely curious to see what tomorrow's message is about.

In class

I should really be paying attention as I'm in Chem. right now but it's Friday and not just any Friday ut the first Friday of 2012 and back on campus. Focusing Chem is the farthest thing from my mind right now, barely 20 mins into class and everyone's favorite Swiss professor has already lost my attention (Prof. Bobst). I have recitation on Monday and a quiz so I really should be but, it's soooo hard, not to mention it's just review of what we went over at the end of last quarter. Uhg!! could this class be any longer, i swear time has frozen. We aren't getting points for the clicker questions so that's not even a reason to pay attention. I just got that question right though so guess I learned something and I'm not the only one ready for lessons to be over, a guy just walked out. My friends and I are going ice skating tonight. He's going but so are most of his close friends, M&J are going, and some people I don't know very well but should be fun anyway.
It was A LOT of fun. I hated seeing all the couple holding hands and stuff, that is so hard for me especially since he was there but still I'm glad I thought of it and I'm glad more people went this year. I got to spend time with people I hardly ever see and talk to people I don't normally talk to. I got to see kind of what summer project would have been like. Hanging with the people that went to Traverse, seeing them interact, and seeing how close they have all become, it kind of makes me jealous but at the same time I know I was right where I was supposed to be and I would have been going for all the wrong reasons.
J asked me if I was okay afterwards and I didn't let on to the others in the car that I knew what she was talking about but really thinking about it, I'm not. I wish I could just hang out with Cru and feel 95% accepted but with all the whispers about plans for other days and talking about stuff that happened at project and not having any one person I can just hang with (like a best friend or boyfriend) is hard and upsetting at times. Sure, everyone was really grateful that I set this up tonight but they all are constantly talking and hanging out so while it was fun, they didn't need it to hang out (I did). There was some kind of talk before Cru (on Wednesday) for a group dinner on Thursday night, I wasn't invited and now Andrew is proposing tomorrow (yeah I'm a perceive-er, I picked up and pieced together the hints) and again I'm not invited although it's apparently a group thing, they're going to play Euchre and stuff. **Suspicion confirmed, he is proposing, would have been great to be there but it's whatever, my knee really hurts still so I guess I'll spend the night on the couch with my homemade icepack on my knee.** I feel like because I want to be involved in more than one thing on campus I'm slowly being excluded from things, I think it has to do with me living on campus, too. The freshmen live on campus too but they're freshmen and don't have as much a connection to the upperclassmen as I do. Actually I take that back, most of them don't I can think of at least 2 that may have stronger connections than I do, IDK how but they do, probably because all the guys are super close.
What I really want are those days where I could just walk across campus and hang out with J or a certain male friend back. When did life become so scheduled? When did you start having to fit me into the left over time in your schedule? Dang I miss those two, even if I just saw J a few hours ago and my friend Wed. I feel so alone...not just single but alone.

Where will I live?!?

Got the letter about housing for next year and along with it comes soooo many questions.

• Are my parents really fully supporting my want to go to Australia?
• Are they going to be willing/able to help financially if I need it (and I'm going to)?
• Am I really going to Australia in about 6 months?
• Will I be living on campus come August?
• Is there some- where/one who would let me live with me if I don't go and don't want to live on campus?
• Can I afford to live off campus?
• How am I paying for Australia?
• If Australia has such a low unemployment rate, why is there dollar worth less? (unrelated, I know)
• What am I going to do about housing if I end up not being able to go to Australia?

I am honestly optimistic about it, I know God is in control of it all and lately it seems like He wants me to go, heck it's practically all I think about and it get's brought up all around me a lot, too. I, and my parents, know this is an amazing opportunity for me but the cost is always a factor and I honestly can't find much of a way to pay for it, between classes and extras, I never seem to have any time but I just need to calm down and take some time to figure things out.
Anyone who's been out of the country or has friends who have been, with school, that has any suggestions about scholarships or grants I'm all ears and DON'T tell me to get a job, because I'm trying.

UPDATE: I love my mother; the following is the e-mail conversation I had with her.
ME: I got this e-mail today (about housing for next year) and I need to know if you honestly think Australia is going to be possible, so I know whether or not I need to sign up for housing next year, provided I'm not giving up and I can always just wait and be assigned a room later, but I've also been wondering what your honest opinion of Australia is.
HER: if you want to go we will do whatever is needed for you to go, provided the school will do what they need to help subsidize the cost. I.E. fundraising or whatever they do.

And that is why I am blessed, my parents support my dreams and want me to have the best, I also think God has plans for me over there; today I found the website for McMicken's scholarships, finished my essay for another, and found out the library is hiring, money is bound to disappear as an obstacle soon.

Day #3 of class

Have no fear I'm not going to count everyday of class, just the first few. Last night was the first Cru meeting of the quarter (year:2012) and it was nice to see the people who didn't go to Indy...as well as those that didn't. Following GoBearcats on twitter though kind of made me sad I missed the game but I got chills from Berg's talk so I guess I made the right decision, I don't really like basketball anyway. I banged my knee last night though, while on my way to talk to a friend who didn't go to Indy, who said that she was excited to talk to me but then she ended up talking to other people instead, whatever I'll catch up with her later. I also got to see (one of/the main) the girl who brought me to Cru last night, for the first time since the end of last school year!! I missed her, didn't realize how much until I saw her smile and got a hug (I know that sounds weird) but she's just so bubbly, it makes me happy. I did, however, leave her talking to M about Europe to go talk to the girl who wanted to talk to me, that's when I banged me knee (which is a pretty shad of blue). I've never been to central Europe so I had nothing to add to that conversation, although it'd have been nice to here about her trip.
I'm excited for the first RallyCats meeting tonight, I may not be as close to those people but it will be good to see them again, maybe grab dinner, and hear all about Memphis. However, before all of that, I need to make it through the next 3 hours, then I can eat lunch and then nap, so very tired. I'm so glad chem lab doesn't start til next week, I still need to find my goggles. Ah, back to the grind.
On a different note I talked to him last night, it was actually a semi-normal conversation, I say semi-normal because it started with me apologizing for practically ignoring him on the way out of Cru but I didn't mean to, my knee just really hurt and I did turn around and say hey. But he said it was whatever and confirmed that he's going ice skating with us (I have a group of about 13) on Friday, I set it up because I liked it last year and was hoping more people would go this year and they are; well some are others said they were and then backed out on me, people who have done that to me a lot this year. Every time I invite said person to something if I don't invite a certain other person they have a tendency not to show. It's not that I doubt they have stuff going on, it's just a pattern I've noticed, because if I invite the other person then the first person finds a way to make it. Coincidence? maybe, maybe not.
I'm also in the process of scaling back my lifegroups/small groups. I'm going to find one and stick with it, I need to build up a solid community and I can't do that if my attention is divided between 2 or 3. So as much as it kills me, Sunday nights with my band friends is just not going to work out anymore, it's not just that, it's also that my Monday is super busy, and school needs to be a larger priority in my life, not that God isn't greater than it all but Sunday night isn't the only time I can go so why not (this is going to sound bad) go when it's better for me. Now I know God doesn't work with our schedules and he shouldn't just fit into my life where it's convenient but that's not what I'm saying. I'm putting lifgroup where it's convenient. Yeah, I know I still have some learning to do. *hanging my head in shame and walking away dejectedly.

Class...1st day

Well classes started today and I don't feel too badly about Spanish, now I'm just waiting for Applied Calculus. Got my wireless setup and now I'm just chillin' in Tangeman University Center waiting, so glad to have my computer back.
7 hours later
Went to Applied Calculus and I think it's going to be an interesting/entertaining class. My teacher is hilarious and since it's applied calc. I understand how it is applicable to real life. After class I got some lunch and then was going to go back and sit in TUC, be social and all that but being around 12:30 there was no where to sit so I went back to my room. I watched the shows I missed last night and found out there's a basketball game tonight and I don't have anything else to do, so why not go check out what our women's basketball team is all about, hoping they win. While watching my shows I did some thinking and I've come up with another resolution and I haven't broken it yet so I think it is still do-able. I'm going to stop acting the way I have been around him. We were friends before and can be friends now, no one knows what happened between us and if he's still okay being around me and doesn't feel awkward why should I, regardless of whether I still have feelings for him or not. I got to spend 4 days with him and hardly said ten words to him, provided I still didn't see him very often but when I did I think he noticed I was acting a little weird because he got a weird look on his face like I'd just slapped him or something, maybe I just saw something that wasn't there, IDK. I don't think we've really said much to each other since that night, well anyway that's all in the past. It kind of goes hand-in-hand with leaving what's in the past, in the past. I'm also going to start looking for a job which goes along with finding the finances for Australia. Class was good today, tomorrow brings Spanish again (everyday) and then Bio & Chem, shouldn't be too bad, we're actually going to start on some stuff in Spanish but bio and chem should be mostly syllabus reading.
On another note, I missed my Dawgs bowl game yesterday AND they lost to michigan state :( My poor dawgs, they had such a great season, well here's to next year Y. (<--- that's supposed to look like a glass)

2012

I was going to start this with a list of resolutions but instead I think I’ll just recap last night. I’ll share my resolutions at the end. Well last night could not have been any better, the Bearcats are the Liberty Bowl Champs and I had a great time at the party. After the game ended we had to rush back to the hotel to get to the big session, we were late. The session was good talked a lot about travel and had a few hundred people dedicated a year of their lives to full time ministry. The dance party was after that, the theme was “That Used to be Cool” everyone who dressed up were really creative, I think we all looked great. We danced until 11:05-ish when we all ran like lunatics back to where we had the sessions and we all prayed in the New Year. Actually we stopped at 11:59 and we hugged in the New Year, and then sang songs for what seemed like an eternity, my back was really starting to hurt (thanks marching band). Once we finished the songs, most of our Cru met back up in the lobby and decided we were just going to hang out. So we went up to the game room and at first we were just talking, then someone was eating an apple, finished and threw it at someone else and so started our baseball/softball game. At one point we lost the apple core but while looking for it I found a whiffle ball, it had a small dent in it when they started but when they finished it had a very large hole in it and was not really a ball any more. After they quit playing some in groups and others by themselves decided to go to bed. It ended up 6 of us, we sat around and talked for a while and it was getting really late, we were all a little slap-happy/floppy-dogging. We were laughing at everything and just generally enjoying each other’s company But we had to be out of our hotel rooms by 11am so we eventually decided we should go to bed too, that was around 3/3:30am.  I wish more of the week had been like that but all-in-all I think J was right I’d have regretted not going and I think I really did learn a lot. It was a chance to see what it’s going to be like next spring without some of the people I’m most comfortable around being around. I’m also glad I got to spend a bit of time with M&J, I love them. They are great people and I can no longer picture my life without them, which is weird considering they only both recently came back into it. I have a good feeling about 2012, I really do. I can’t wait to see what it holds, everything from birthdays with the aforementioned to Australia this summer. Bring it on 2012, I’m ready.

I resolve to:

*leave things up to God

*leave what’s in the past, in the past

*find the finances for Australia

*pass my classes