Day 4

Yep, final full day here in Indy, it started out a little different as the big session wasn't us sitting with our schools listening to a speaker but rather breaking down into groups with people you "know". I ended up with two people I only kind of know but it was still interesting, got me to do a lot more thinking than either of the speakers did. I've got a lot I just want to start over on and heck I want to do it now, I want to start the new year fresh but I don't want to end this year badly either. I want to spend time with Cru while I have the time but at the same time I don't want to miss the game, I know it may not be exactly right to want to watch a game so much that you miss time with friends but it's my first bowl game as a bearcat/rallycat and bowl games aren't something that comes along every year (wish they were) and I already came to Indy instead of going to Memphis so the thought of missing the game :( well let's put it this way no one has tried to hang out with me while I've been here, not to say I haven't hung out with people, they just haven't initiated it. I know going to Memphis wouldn't have been any better because I'm not close with the RallyCats but the game still would have been fun. I just want to watch the game but I want to hang out with my "friends" in Cru, too. So what do I do, do I stay and watch what's 95% sure to be a win for UC or do I go hang with the Cru and hope to get back in time to catch the end of the game. It wouldn't be the first kick off or even first half I've missed this year but I've never missed and entire game. What should I do??? Problem solved we're going to go to dinner and watch the game. Sometimes it surprises me how much a little bit of faith can allow God to do miraculous things. Let Him and he'll show you His power. It's like the song says "He makes ALL things work together for my good". New year will bring a chance for me to allow him to do even greater things in my life. I have gotten one thing from this week. I'm now 90% sure I'm supposed to go to Australia, I've heard a lot about going abroad this week and why not listen to it; spend these next two quarters strengthening my faith and then go spread it with a country that only claims a 64% christian population.
Back to the conference though, I made a gingerbread brothel last night and tonight is the New Year's Eve party and then praying in the new year. I'm sincerely hoping 2012 is A LOT better than 2011, not that 2011 was horrible but it could have been better.

Day 3

Well today technically started with me playing soccer because it was after midnight, while M&J played Settlers of Catan which is an interesting game but I don't think it's quite my cup of tea, especially on little sleep and that late at night. So finally went to bed shortly after one and then woke up slightly after 8 and I don't function well on 7 hours of sleep (6 and a half is more accurate). So today we went out to do our day of mission. We (the entire conference) went out into surrounding communities, in partnership with the local churches, took boxes of food to needy families and beanie babies for the kids. M, J, and I along with a friend of M's went out together we had a few good talks but still nothing miraculous but i guess finding other believers in this crazy world is always miraculous because we have so much we can teach one another. So when we got back we had an hour 'til our big meeting and during that time I had the chance to talk to two (three-ish) really good friends and while they made me feel better and all gave me some good advice, it also made me realize how alone I feel here. J is great and she's been trying to include me and I've been trying to let her have time with M because IDK how many times she's told me that they hardly saw each other this quarter. But it's hard when there's no one else I really feel like I can just hang out with and be honest about how the conference is going or just talk about life instead of Indy CC, I mean I get that is the reason we're here and we are supposed to be learning and growing but I'm just not feeling it. I'm not here and I didn't at Fall-Get-Away either. IDK what it is about Cru this year but something has changed and I'm just not connecting the way I did last year, I feel like I'm trying really hard and I'm learning things here and there but overall there's something I'm missing. On the topic of just not being really into things here in Indy, that doesn't mean I'm not excited that 147 people turned their lives over to Christ today or that nearly 10 fellow Cru members did yesterday. I'm even happy for J&M to get time together but I guess i still just wish I had a best friend or a confidant in person, hanging around. Which brings me to him. I think I'm subconsciously making things awkward/worse between he and I. How u ask? Well it just seems like he's trying to act like nothing happened and while in someways I appreciate that, in another way it annoys the crap out of me because it seems like he thinks I don't still have those feelings; he doesn't understand how hard it is for me to see him and talk to him like I didn't pour my heart out just over a month ago and have it crushed. I just can't for a lack of better words be normal/casual with him. And what sucks the most he's acting exactly how I want him to but I'm so frustrated that it didn't work out the way I wanted and talking to him is just soo hard but not talking to him is killing me and I know if I keep it up, it's only going to make him confront me. Not to mention that if I just up and ignore him people are going to start asking questions. I don't want others knowing that something happened let alone what exactly did; I say it sucks because I hate how he's acting but IDK what I would want him to change, either. Another problem I have with it is, I'm afraid of getting close with him again while I'm still not over him, it'd only be feeding the fire and it's torture just being friends but like I told him his friendship is super important to me. I still stand by that and I'm trying to learn to let things go but as of this moment right now I'd rather be in Memphis with the RallyCats, especially seeing as how rutgers won, only make me want to see UC win all that much more. However, looking on the positive side of things as I often advise, I am looking forward to building a Gingerbread House here shortly and then MAYBE just MAYBE Cincy's Cru will hang out. IDK I'll let you know tomorrow.

Day 2

Waking up this morning I feel a little sleep deprived and after my shower a little nauseous, I don’t quite know how today is going to go. I do know one thing, I can’t wait for 12:00pm if I’m going to feel like this all day I’m going to need a nap and by then I’ll be exhausted, that’s our first “free time” although not really because it’s supposed to be when the seminars are. I think God would want me to take care of myself though, I think He understands. So I took a nap ate some lunch and felt much better. I then went to the seminars. One was about suffering, why? because I thought with everything that’s happened recently I thought it would help. Between the heartbreak, disappointment, depression this summer, and then the whole thing with my family on Christmas, the guy that was speaking has muscular dystrophy and it really made me think, although my life isn’t perfect at least I have my health and people who love me. From what I counted he’s lost at least 3 of the 9 people in his immediate family. So whether the people who love me are family or friends I consider family at least I still have them. And if he can live his life with the disease and the loss of immediate family members, my troubles really aren’t that bad. Sure, I’ve just had my heart crushed by a very good friend and my family is…difficult but I have so much else to be thankful for. The second seminar I went to was called Study Abroad and Do Missions. All the research I’ve done on going to Australia, I hadn’t thought about connecting with other Christians while there or trying to reach people. The guys in charge gave a few websites and suggested we talk to our staff about the different places we want to go. My only thought on that though is Cincy’s staff is all about India, I doubt any of them would know much about what’s going on in Australia or if there are any missions going on over there. After the seminars I stopped by a third about friendships and relationships but I just couldn’t connect with what the lady was saying so I left and went back to my room, thought I might take my computer and see if there was free Wi-Fi in the lobby, but I couldn’t find a place to sit in the lobby so I found somewhere else to sit, but unfortunately still no Wi-Fi.  So no internet until I get to J’s supposing they let me hijack some of their internet or worse until I go talk to UCIT and get the password for campus’s Wi-Fi, that means the 2^nd at the earliest, we’ll see if I can do this. I suppose you’re wondering how it’s going not having my guy friends around, aren’t you? Well, it’s not too bad, besides yesterday I haven’t really gotten to talk to Janie at all or really anybody. I mean I could probably go find them but that would most likely mean seeing him. He hasn’t really talked to me and we haven’t been around each other much. I’m typing this throughout the dayand at this point I haven’t seen him, yet (it’s almost 5:30pm). I think I’m going to go find them. Found the internet, it’s in the lobby, I also found M&J which is always nice. My day was just made, Zach's going to start in the game on Saturday :) He really does deserve it, it is his senior year after all and he played so well this season, glad to see he's back. There will be absolutely no way I miss the game on Saturday.

Day 1

Today started with me waking up packing the last minute things and then proceeding to take a shower, now I tell you that to tell you this, taking the shower caused me to have to unpack some of the last minute things and it’s also the reason I didn’t eat breakfast (-1 meal). Then I took my stuff downstairs and I thought for sure I could count on j to be late…she wasn’t, so I didn’t have time to eat lunch…NOT her fault (-2 meals). So I get my stuff out to her car and she tells me she has to come back towards my house after the conference to drop off some other people, who we were also picking up. Now in all fairness I’m going to assume (yes, I’m assuming) she only found that out recently and therefore didn’t have time to tell me. So I could (and did) leave some of my stuff at home. Then we picked up the other two (of course M was already with us, slightly shocked but not really). Now that we had everyone and we were on our way I started to realize there were quite a few other things I could have left at home, for instance the glass bottles that are in the back of her car, that I’m afraid might crack if it (they) gets too cold. Anyway we got to the conference safe and sound, some of us for sound than other but all safeJ. We got through orientation, registration, and rooming (after about 2 hours), made it up to our room and I finally got to talk to J, a real (kinda) one-on-one conversation. It was nice, then before I knew it, it was off to find M for dinner and then to the first big meeting. Mike Erie is our main speaker; he evidently has a wiki page so look him up. Josh Coy is our host/emcee again; he’s a fun guy so that should work out fine. Once the big meeting was over it was off for some campus time, but I was sooo ready for bed, I went anyway  but was not having anything to do with the very extraverted game Royce wanted us to play, even knowing most of the people here from our campus I just wasn’t in the mood to participate and I never normally am, I did talk to a few people  though and even a guy I’ve only met once, I think. This was also the point in time where they (the leaders) decided to tell us they want to go out to eat during the middle of the bowl game on Saturday,  now you guys not me, and I’m pretty sure you can guess where I’ll be from 3:30pm – 7:30pm on Saturday, not at dinner that’s for sure. Then we decided it was time for more food and headed to Steak ‘N’ Shake, which is where we (from what I’ve heard, it’s tradition) normally spend our campus time the first night but I guess the leaders  wanted to shake things up a bit. We waited for about or over an hour and were there until 12:30am but I think we sat down somewhere around 11:30pm so we didn’t really take that long. After eating a few of waited around for the others, actually I wanted to talk about eating first, lol. That was interesting. M&J of course sat together and I was standing with them and a friend of theirs (or his, I think they’re all friends, not quite sure) and it kind of felt like at first we were on a double date but their friend and I had been set up, but it turned out okay in the end and nothing like that. Although I wouldn’t mind being set up, I don’t know how comfortable I would be with it being with a guy 3 years older than me. Anyway after our late dinner (more like desert) we waited around for some of the others and someone along the way had the bright idea to start a game of tag, throughout downtown Indy at 12:30am. Not the best idea if you ask me but they seemed to be having a good time so I didn’t say anything , we made it back to the hotel and all promptly decided it was time for bed.

Randomness-ess-ess

I have so many different thoughts going through my head right now, 1st how did I miss the 13th's Glee? 2nd Why had I never head of the movie Passengers, it stars Anne Hathaway (love her). 3rd Some people really annoy me, they think no one else in the world has problems and their lives are sooooo terrible. I know I'm going to catch a ton of flack for that statement but if you're offended you obviously don't know me very well. 4th I'm wondering if it's sad or weird or crazy that I'm more excited about the ride to Indy CC and the ride to Cincy with J than I am about Indy CC it's self?
1) I think I was in a conversation with a few people that night, I missed New Girl too but I watched that last night. I loved that episode of Glee, so many twists and turns.
2) Such a good movie and again so many twists and surprises kept me guessing until the very end.
3) It's not that your problems aren't important to me, because they are. All of my friends problems are important to me. Whether we were friends when I was 2, 12, or we just met last year I'd still care. That's just who I am. I don't care if we haven't talked in 10 years so long as you didn't do something to make me hate you (which BTW takes A LOT) then I will still care about your problems. Honestly though arguing with your parents or your boyfriend or your family just having issues in general, just so certain people don't jump to conclusions I'll clarify I'm talking to more than one person, is no life altering crisis. What teenager hasn't argued with their parents, at least they love you enough to let you continue to live under their roof and pay for your education, they aren't perfect but neither are you. You don't have the perfect relationship, he's insanely jealous or doesn't talk enough, maybe you talk too much or are trying to make a long distance relationship work although all signs say it never will. No relationship is perfect, not even those kind of relationships I envy are all smooth sailing. My family is the perfect example of family issues. I have to remind myself everyday that I should be grateful I have a family at all, regardless of whether they all get along or have no morals. We are all dealt a hand and we just have to know when hold them and know when to fold them as they old song goes.
4) I'm trying so hard to get excited about Indy but there's just a few things holding me back. Yes, it's good that I'm looking forward to spending an hour and a half with a dear friend and it's also good that I want to hang out with her seeing as how I have to regardless, either that or go sleep in the streets lol. But I just have this feeling that Indy wasn't the right choice. I'm getting so many questions about why I'm not going to Memphis and statements that people are shocked I'd choose not to. It's not coming from the RallyCats either, they seem to understand. It's coming from people I expected to be encouraging me to grow my faith and even more than that people I thought would understand why I chose how I did. It isn't like I didn't want to go to Memphis, because I did. A chance to get to possibly see Zach Collaros play one last time in person, I of all people would LOVE to see that. To see my beloved Bearcats win a bowl game, BCS bowl or not, count me in, especially since I may not be there at all next year. But I thought long and hard about it and only one person voiced their opinion one way or the other, which basically meant she wanted me to go to Indy besides the fact that Indy was the better for me option and the fact that I know she's right I'd regret not going. Sure if the Bearcats win on Saturday I'll be upset I wasn't there to see it in person but it's not like I can't watch it on TV and it's not like I could get on the field to celebrate with them. So why not ring in the New Year with some very close friends, rather than with some ssomewhat-friends, people I'd say I'm closer to than I was last year but still not anywhere near what I have with my Cru. I love the Rally Cats dearly and most of them seem like great people I just don't have that connection with them. I think that's another big thing I have against the actual conference, some of the people going. While I do have a special connection with most of the people in Cru, some people (mostly newer, not younger, just newer) just really push my buttons but I'm going to try working on that. Last but definitely NOT least is HIM. Yeah, I think I'd be ok if the two of the guys I thought were going to be there were going but as it turns out they aren't and that means the closest guy friend I have going (not that it's all that big a deal)is HIM. Sure, we can act like nothing happened and while we're apart that's not hard but when I see him I sigh and then everything he said that night comes rushing back and I'm left feeling slightly awkward and out of place. He' the kind of guy that takes center stage when he walks into a room. He has his moments when he just sits back and let's the show go on but most of the time he plays the leading role. He's him, simply put, everybody loves him and expects everybody else to too. I hope that made sense. I mean nobody expects there to be something going on or him to have some kind of tension with someone but it's there and it makes me want to scream when I see him because it seems last year's conference almost everything I did was with him, heck last year in general almost everything I did was with him. Most every great memory I have of college he is apart of. From fall-get-away, to something special to thanksgiving, to indy, to the end of spring quarter, to the last friday night on campus, he was a huge part of life. There is only one major event that happened last year that I can think of that he wasn't a part of, my birthday. If I can't get past this awkwardness and back to a place where we (I) can be normal, then I know for certain I'll have ruined something amazing all because I got to emotional. But can you blame me, with that description it's no wonder I fell for the guy. So to answer a question someone asked me a few weeks ago, yes S I am indeed still bitten by the love bug, but wy wouldn't I be, you know him and now you know even more why. *SIGH

Christmas...mmhm

'Tis not the season of getting but rather of giving, but everyone feels better when they get stuff, right? Well I do or maybe it was the normalcy of the gathering at my dad's mom's house on Christmas Eve that made me feel more in the spirit. Being surrounded by family and having a few laughs, picking on my uncle about how Vanderbilt is going to lose and him trying to tell me differently. His defense was all the bowl games Vandy has ever played in they have won, my counter? All three of them in the school's history as compared to UC's 6-6 ratio but at least we've been to a (8) bowl game in this century. Vandy's last bowl game was in 2008 and before that 1982, 1974, 1955; they just don't have the record we do. And how exactly do you tie a bowl game...at 6-6 none the less, what could no one kick an extra point in '74? But I digress back to my point, I feel like I'm in the Christmas Spirit now (good thing too since technically it's Christmas) regardless of the fact that my grandma still hasn't learned to not buy me clothes, I actually liked the color and I do need a new zip up hoodie but it's too small and I'd probably never wear it because I just got a new jacket/coat. However, I am in love with my burgundy (purple), Sherpa-lined blanket, it's sooooo warm and soft. Janie has a blanket that I love because it's super soft and its polka-dotted but I love this one even more, only 2 things could make it better, 1) if it were red & black with a C-paw or 2) if it had light purple polka-dots on it. But regardless I will not part with this blanket until it falls apart in my hands or I have a baby. Can't wait to get my new coat & fuzzy pj pants, I will be ultra warm this winter when it snows...if it snows :/

Eve...but of what

Christmas Eve and I'm still not quite in the mood; something feels different, it doesn't feel like it's Christmas time. It may be the lack of snow or maybe it's the fact that my mom works from 8-5:30 so she hasn't been home much and we haven't been baking like crazy. It could be that I feel so alone and not nearly as loved, don't get me wrong i really DO love my niece but it is starting to get hard. They are MY mommy and daddy, I'm the baby. :(
But that's not it entirely, it's not even entirely that Jason's here and therefore also distracting them. And it's definitely not that I wasn't here to help decorate because I wasn't last year either. I think it's mostly that everyone else seems to be going on with their normal routines while I sit here hour after hour, day after day. I'm starting to feel like I'm visiting rather than having come home. Sure, mom and I still made some cookies and V is always the same when I'm home but something is different. I don't know what and I can't wait for Indy and school.
Speaking of Indy, certain people are really starting to ignore me. Talk about annoying qualities of an organization. It was bad enough at Fall-get-away where nothing happened at the time the schedule said it would but now it seems like rather than planning things out in a timely manner, people are just like figure it out for yourselves or oh I'll get to it soon. Oh you need a ride there, well let me wait until a week before to help you with that when your parents can no longer take the day off work if we can't find a ride. Some people I swear, their personalities annoy me. I mean yeah no one want to work when they could be on Facebook or Skype chatting with "studs" (I use that word loosely) but seriously get things done and then you can do what you want. But like I said before I'm going to try to make Indy better than last year's fall-get-away so that starts with not stressing about the details but I should probably get some food before I go...there are a lot of things I should do before I go.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umDFfGjgEyc

The Manger Scene

Luke 2:7; if the first place our lord lay his head was in a feeding trough for animals doesn't it make those animals special, we shouldn't degrade the manger scene by saying with dirty, stinky animals; animals are God's creations too and they were some of the first creatures to realize their creator had come. Don't tell me animals don't have thoughts. The recognized God in human form, something some people have yet to do. Clearly God (the father) could have made room in the inn if He didn't think a stable would do. But He wanted ALL of creation to rejoice in the birth of Jesus, creation includes animals and plants as well as humans (a part on the Animal Kingdom, need I remind you). It says later in Luke (19:40) that if we keep keep quiet, the stones will cry out, not even a living thing so how much more must God love his living beings? Sure we are His greatest creation, I've never denied that but the way people degrade and belittle animals because they think they are simply possessions, it disgusts me. Animals are used in the Bible in many important ways; Donkeys for instance. Balaam and his donkey, without whom Balaam would have been killed and who saw the angel first?? Numbers 22:1-35. Then of course there's Mary and Joseph's donkey, who delivered them to Bethlehem, you can't tell me that Mary could have walked from Nazareth to Bethlehem at that point in her pregnancy. So again animals play an important part. Noah's Ark, God saved 8 people but at least 2,000 animals, however that is not realistic, it was probably closer to 50,000 animals (2 of each kind) with the number that have become extinct since the beginning of time. So why save all of those animals if they weren't important. Animals ARE important from Noah to Balaam to Bethlehem to even Revelations (the HORSEmen of the Apocalypse). So let's treat our fellow kingdom members with a little more respect and love. Love you Shiloh.

Christmas has Come

Today has been a Christmas kind of day. Started by going to get money for Christmas presents and Indy and then V and I were off in search of books and candles. Got them both then came home and wrapped the presents. Then I baked the start of the Christmas cookies, which is sure to be a week long thing, don't know how many my mom will want me to make but I'm up for the challenge. Now I'm winding my day down with a tri-colored candy cane. Owl City has been on my spotify all day so not quite all Christmas but they always put me in a good mood so Owl City it was. My brother, sister-in-law, and Baby B will be here tomorrow, and that will bring my family all together which is what Christmas is for right. Spent a couple hours reading in the company of my poochie and that was nice, he was being incredibly codependent today but I'm okay with that. I also found out recently (yesterday and today) that two people I was really looking forward to seeing in Indy won't be there, of course the one I'm not super excited seeing is going and while I'm not dreading seeing him, it's still kinda hard/weird for me to be around him but who knows this might be a good chance to move past that. And then there's always the nagging feeling that I'm gonna regret not going to Memphis. But I'll move past that besides going to Indy I'll get to see the one person responsible for me being a part of Cru at all. I've missed her.  And I love hearing about people's trip especially since Australia keeps getting closer. But anyway let Christmas begin, now if only it would snow.

Engagements

Two down in a week (three in a year), two more to go...that I know of. I'm so happy for my friends. And while I AM happy for them and all the other new relationships blossoming in my friends' lives and while I'm trying like crazy to let Him handle it and not worry about it I can't help but wonder when my turn will come. I've literally been in formed of two engagements in the last 2-3 days. I know of two more that I'm about 90% sure will happen within the next 6-7 months, at least one. And that's all great, then add the new relationships one I learned of recently, the other just a few weeks old, again good for them. Just has me wondering "Why not me?" and I know I'm not the only one who has those thoughts and I know it's all part of a bigger plan but still doesn't make it any easier. I'm honestly going crazy waiting for one of those proposals, which is interesting because if it's bugging me, I can't imagine how much it's bugging her. I was asked a little more than a week ago if I thought they were ready and I answered "I do" and I believe that but at the same time it makes me wonder what's holding him back. I've been getting to know him more this year and I'm learning that he does nothing (almost nothing) without a reason. But he's got me curious as to the reason. I really don't see the point in waiting any longer, I mean under the circumstances is it really even necessary, might as well just do it already. As for me though, patience is something I need a heavy dose of. I need to learn to trust and wait. But like Hunter Hayes says "Everybody's got somebody but me."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAzrHOYiz4I

How Much Conditioner Do You Use?

It's a serious question, it's just one of the many things I was thinking about in the shower tonight. I noticed I use a ton, probably more than you. Another thought was why I'd never heard the song that was playing, that's right I was listening to music while I showered. BTW I now love that song, That's Why God Made Me by Shannon Walker. Also did some thinking about what to get Baby B and as much I say I don't want to spend any more money, I want to get her something. I'm leaning heavily towards books, it's the one thing I don't think she has and I know of some great ones (The Very Hungry Caterpillar is one of my favorites). In 5 days my brother, Baby B, and my sister-in-law will be here and I've only met Christie once and never seen Brooke, but from her facebook posts I'd think we'd get a long but I'm not sure. As for Brooke, I'm nervous, sure, lil kids love me but they normally have to reach a certain age first, it's about a year to a year and a half, so 4 months is a lil young but from what I can tell she's a generally happy baby so it should be okay but I just know Ally is going to be even more annoying/aggravating than I've ever seen her. I swear sometimes she forgets that Brooke does have other aunts and I honestly don't get her obsession because she doesn't like any of the other lil kids/babies in the family. I have a theory it's all because she wants Jason and Christie to like her so bad that she's acting out of character. But I think the first time something sets her off they'll see the real her and why I hope Christie likes all of us I don't think it's fair for Christie to not get to know the real us. I mean don't get me wrong Ally isn't a terrible person she's just not the best person and while no one is perfect she could be a bit better or try harder to not let every little thing get to her or let someone else have a little bit of attention w/o getting all huffy and puffy. She actually complained over Thanksgiving break that any time I come home it becomes all about me, just because we were looking for tennis shoes for my poor boot confined feet...which i did finally find BTW. I mean I was home for all of 4 days and she was upset that my mom wanted to find me shoes and get me food, yes she is that selfish, but I've learned to live with it. She also has an attitude problem and when she's mean she doesn't think it will have repercussions. She also doesn't understand why my oldest sister and I don't like spending time with her. Technically I can't speak for Victoria but I don't because she can't just sit and be pleasant for more than maybe 30 minutes at the most. I know this all sounds like I'm jealous or something but I swear that's how she is, always has been. 
Anyway back to my thoughts.  I was thinking about it and I've decided (again) to stop trying to force a relationship to happen. Obviously God has a better idea and I'm about 95% sure he'll bring that guy into my life when it is best. So school among other things will be my concern, I'm going to try and make Indy CC 10x better than last years Fall-Get-Away; I'd say this year's but that wouldn't be hard seeing as how this year's did not live up to my expectations and even kind of disappointed me. It had some good points as things with Cru always do, but IDK it just kind of sucked, I don't know if it was me or something else but last year was definitely better. Although, I didn't really enjoy Indy last year either, well we're gonna change that this year. Another thought, it's a wonder i have any hair left on my head, I pull out more hair by brushing and washing it than my dad has on his entire head; same goes for my dog, I brushed him out a little bit today and I sear I could have made a chihuahua out of the amount of fur he had on him;  he really suffers when I'm not home. Sure, he gets fed and love but no one really walks him or brushes him out. IDK what will happen next year when Im gone for four months. I've also decided I'd like to spend the week (or a few days) after I get back in Cincy with my friends or the week (or a few days) before exams down there which ever is earlier or if they're the same, depends on how the whole semesters thing works. Oh and 14 days 'til Memphis and the Liberty Bowl, can't wait for the Bearcats to show Vanderbuilt what Cincy's all about. I smell a championship, but that might just be my hair...mmm minty eucalyptus.  =)

Writing a Blog

I've always been into writing it's just one more thing my oldest sister and I have in common, so starting a blog and keeping it going isn't hard, but I never realized anyone would actually read it, let alone confront me about it. I write to get things out of my head, not to let people know what I'm thinking or even what's going on in my life I although it does both.  I have a tendency to over-analyze and over-think, so having a place to put all those thoughts has been great. But at the same time it has also lead to some awkward and even some unwanted conversations. Although, I'm more than willing to talk to my friends when asked if I know what I tell them will be kept between the two of us, I'd rather be sure of that first. Now as I've mentioned before, my close friends all have significant others and while I'd never encourage lying in a relationship that doesn't mean I want those significant others knowing everything I tell my friends.Okay, so I don't really care if they tell  them, I'd just rather be asked first or not find out at all. Sure so I don't like so&so's girlfriend or so&so's boyfriend is kinda strange, so long as my friends are happy I'll learn to get along and maybe-eventually even like their gfs/bfs. What does that have to do with writing, though? I bet that's what you are thinking. I also bet you're wondering who the you is if I write for  no one. Well I write to the general you. The one people write love songs to and the one rhetorical questions are asked to, that is the you and as for what  that has to do with writing this blog well sometimes I'd just like to address the people I know without actually addressing them because as tough  as I act, I'd really rather not confront people. I hate having awkward conversations, I have a feeling there's a reason why they call them awkward.

But in other news my computer should be fixed this afternoon,if not then by tomorrow morning.My hard-drive was going bad. Fixed  Thursday afternoon and back that night.

Trying

So as i said in my FB status today is a day for change. I'm going to try and be nicer and give people more of a chance, I'm going to start studying like i said i would this summer and I'm going to figure out Australia. If the last one means i spend the new year in lil' Medway, OH with my family instead of big Indianapolis, IN with my Cru then so be it. I've been told I should go to Indy CC because I'll regret it if I don't especially after break when they are all talking about how great it was and provided some of my best memories from last year are from there, some of the worst are also. For instance, although it is what I believe brought J and I so close it was also incredibly hard for me not to go off on her towards the end. I know she means well but at the end of that week i was so done with her acting like my mom...although i do love my mom that's not what i mean.

Anyway back to the change, I'm going to be nicer and try to get to know people better before I decide I don't like them and that is going to be incredibly hard for me because there are some people that just really rub me the wrong way and then there are also people that IDK why I don't like them I just don't. Well that stops today; if I'd known J in high school no way would I have ever talked to her, but now I couldn't imagine my life w/o her. As for studying I'm proud of myself for doing better in Bio but I'm not so proud of my grade and don't even get me started on Chem, so I'm going to try harder and be more dedicated because I know I have what it takes, I just need to motivate myself. Also, I need to get my GPA up to go to Australia and I'd hate to figure out everything down to what shoes I'm taking with me, just to have my GPA hold me here, I'm smart now I just need to apply myself. As the new year approaches I want to get back to the days where I knew the stuff I needed to know and could put it down on the test. Being someone who graduated with a 3.96 GPA and 23rd out of 260, behind the kids that took AP classes, I should be doing much better than I am. I know I could (and have) blame my chem professor for screwing with the totals on certain things but honestly that shouldn't matter if I'd taken the time in class and outside of it to really get an understanding of the material. I know this may seem like I'm being pretty hard on myself but no one really knows how much time I have spent on outside stuff that I could have applied to studying or getting help and for that I'm truly ashamed of myself. Oooo AND I'm gonna start listening like I've never listened before because doing things my way doesn't seem to be working to well in some areas. But like i said:  

TODAY is a DAY for CHANGE!!!

Amendment:
I don't know if trying to start today was a good idea, when asked why I wanted to have lunch with them, I didn't know what to say; and then he went off about how I'm so honest and upfront, damn he has no idea, that just about killed me. If only he knew how untrue that was. I keep a lot to myself and clearly he can't read very well or he'd know exactly what I'm talking about. Yeah I can state my opinion but if it something that matters, I know the person asking won't like my answer, and they matter to me, you better believe  I'm going to tell them what they want to hear. What sucks the most is that he's going to read this. I feel like crap knowing I wasn't honest with him, and he doesn't even get how much it hurts me to lie (omission) to him. He's like a big brother to me and not being honest about some stuff because of the circumstances kills me. I was just told what he likes about me and I feel like by doing the exact opposite, I've let him down. I'm going to go lay down and watch some TV and try to feel better. I'm sorry. :(

Can I Blame You?

Due to recent events in my life that i feel the need to tell 5 certain somebodies, shortly after it happened cuz they had been incredibly helpful before it happened i have used all of my texts in 2 weeks and now have 2 weeks left til the new month starts. As well as having a conversation over text that i could have had just minutes before online if someone had been paying close enough attention to what i was telling them. So as I get ready to leave all my close friends down here and go back home i will be w/o both a computer and a form of texting. I hope Scott reads this as he's likely to text me about lunch tomorrow and he may want a response but he should know that so long as w/e he and chelsea decide isn't Asian food i'm ok with it, Oh and nothing too expensive as I still need to find something for my best friend, something Brittany-ish and no one down here will quite understand what that means but if they come visit me at home they'd get it. There's no one quite like Britt and i know a lot of people think they could say that about someone they know but Britt is different and nothing quite describes her. I don't just want to get her anything it has to mean something too. But anyway back to my phone it looks like it's back to calling, if u want me call me just not between 1:30 and 3:30 on friday cuz i'll be taking a math exam, i'll probably be done before 3:30 but to be on the safe side let's say 3:30, leave me a message if i don't answer but chances are i will, even if it's 4am...don't call me at 4am just to see if i do, cuz i'll answer i just won't be happy about it.

Battle Again

So this year I've trying super hard to keep a balance between RallyCats and Cru but sometimes that just isn't possible. Sometimes I just need the close-knit community I have with Cru and other times I just need to get away from it all and hang with the care-free RallyCats. However there have been rare occasions I have been forced to choose between the two. Such as the one that awaits me New Year's Eve. I haven't missed a Bearcat football game all year and for them to go to a bowl game this year when I won't be here next year you can bet I want to see that game, even if it is just on TV. However there is noway if I go to IndyCC I'm going to be able to watch the game. What makes it even worse is they're playing Vanderbilt and my uncle works there so it's kind of a rivalry game. I'd hate to miss my last Indyy CC with some of my closest friends but (ok confession time) i almost cried when I missed the beginning of the Syracuse game. It's a BOWL GAME!!! My Bearcats are going to a bowl game and I'm super proud of them, so of course i want to watch not to mention the Bulldogs are heading to the Outback Bowl in Tampa, Fla., to play Michigan State but that's not til the 2nd so I won't miss their game so it wouldn't be fair to see my Dawgs but not my Cats, oh my dilemmas. I fear going to Indy CC and missing the Cats win the Liberty Bowl. And while I have no intention of going to Memphis, not that I could if I did, it'd be nice to watch the Cats play on TV. What to do???


http://www.gobearcats.com/sports/m-footbl/spec-rel/120411aaa.html

Cats and Dawgs

So my beloved Bearcats are co-champions of the Big East Championship w/ wvu and louisville and it's possible sometime in the next two hours my Dawgs (University of Georgia Bulldogs) will be the SEC Champs. While thats great and it means the Dawgs will most likely go to a BSC Bowl it's not looking as good for the cats, bowl game yes BCS probably not, oh well im still proud. While we're on the topic of sports UC played UGA in basketball last night and apparently UGA lost which is good for the cats but sad for the dawgs, i don't really care cuz it's basketball and i can't choose between the two. Besides i was at a christmas party. A christmas party where i saw him for the first time since we (he) talked. It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be, it wasn't really bad at all but i still feel a lil awkward around him and probably will for a while but he's great about it, seems to be acting like nothing happened which is a little hurtful but also probably why i don't feel as uncomfortable as i thought i would. I've had a relatively good weekend all in all, and although i have two exams on monday im not super worried, i'll freak tomorrow, my chem exam determines my whole grade but w/e tonight is all about chilling w/ mi amigos, OHHH and i got into the chem lab i wanted and spanish 102 now i just need to pass chem 101, no big deal right?

The Day After

I 've done a lot of thinking in the last 14 hours (one of those hours was on a test) and I've come up with two things. I can act like nothing ever happened and 1)go on just being friends with him or 2) try to cut him out of my life, act like he was never/is not now important to me. While the second one would be easier for me to deal with the whole thing, it would be nearly impossible to actually do seeing as how practically our entire college circle of friends involves the same group of people and i couldn't give up those people just to avoid him. So I need to just suck it up and act like nothing ever happened but I don't know how realistic that is either. I told him I was okay with just being friends but truth is I'm not sure I can handle seeing him and not breaking down. Heck, i about burst into tears just thinking about last night. I know my friends are going to say this is God's way of telling me to be patient that there is someone out there perfect for me but I can't stand being alone. I don't think people realize how hard it is for me to be around practically strangers most of the time and have none of my friends on campus. As much as i like my alone time, I crave the attention of my friends and I'd like nothing better than to just spend the weekends hanging w/ them or being able to go back to my dorm/house/place of dwelling and see a friendly face that I know I can talk to and have them know the people I'm talking about and the situations. But back to my point, I just need to forget about last night...move on and start listening harder. BUT it'd be easier if a guy would just say he liked me and wanted to give us a chance/try, I've seen it happen so it's not impossible and I don't think it's unrealistic to ask for.
One last thought on last night; what made it even harder than him saying the same thing as the other guy or even that i like him so much, was that he was sooooo nice about it and kept trying to apologize for it, and it really didn't help that i pretty much think the world of him, is it sad that him rejecting me doesn't change my view of him?