School

As Christmas approaches, so does going back to school. That in itself is not a bad thing, i cant wait to hang with my friends, live with the girls, and get on a schedule but i'm afraid once school starts i'm going to get really busy. That wouldn't be so bad if my boy weren't on the other side of the world meaning we have a limited window of time to talk. I feel like we're in a really good spot now that he's admitted how he feels and I hate the idea of us drifting apart because I'm busy with school and my friends here. It's happened before, i got busy with papers and my life in oz and i stopped talking to people here at home. Heck there are some people I never talked to while i was over there, some because i didn't try and others because they didn't but I hope we both make an effort to try and stay in touch. I'm scared even more that when he goes back to school and ihouse that he'll meet someone new and he'll be busy with school so he won't even tell me or he won't know how to tell me. I'm scared we won't make it to may and that I'll fail ochem and my parents will use that as an excuse to keep me here. I hate being scared.

15

The 15th has always kind of been our day. July 15th is the day we met. August 15th was the day i spent 3 hours playing with his hair, the first time we were really close; the 15th of September was the day we went to the harp and he and Betsy karaoke-ed; the 15th of October is an exception because he was upset about the Harbour Cruise thing;and the 15th of November is the last full day we spent together. So yeah, not that he noticed but it's always been special. And in Australia today is the 16 which makes it 1 month since I left, since we've seen each other, and since we kissed. Sure I've stopped crying myself to sleep and I've stopped randomly breaking down but that doesn't mean this isn't still hard. I miss him like crazy and sometimes it seems like he misses me too. But I don't know exactly what it is we're doing or even what we are. By that I mean I fon't know if we're trying to stay close so that when I get back over there it's like I never left, so we can pick up where we left off or if we're just keeping our friendship up like any friends would. I don't even know if friends is what we are or if we're more. I'm not the kind of person to kiss a male friend and expect us to stay just friends, not that I've ever done it before but to me we're more than friends had been for a while before I left. I don't know what we are and I can't ask because I told him so many times I didn't need a label and I still don't NEED one, I'm just curious. I mean we wouldn't even have to talk about it, he could just put it on Facebook and that would be as good as him asking me. That doesn't apply to a marriage proposal but to be his gf, yeah that would be good enough.

I wonder

Sometimes i just randomly miss him more than you can imagine. And other times I wonder if the reason we allowed this to happen is because we're afraid to be alone but also don't think we're ready for a commitment. Some would say a long distance relationship is more of a commitment because you don't see the person very often, or in our case at all, but I think possibly it's less because we don't see each other. We feel attached and (for lack of a better word) committed but don't feel pressured to be a constant presence in each others' lives because we can't hang out. Not that we don't want to be around each other and hang out but we're still free to live our "pre-July" lives. To hang with old friends and be ourselves with our families without worrying if our families like the other person or if our friends do. I mean i've met his family but it was for a very brief period of time so we can paint each other in a way that people like the one they don't know. My family doesn't know the details but i think my mother at least gets that something was happening or that we were close. It's not that i don't want to tell her it's just she knows i want to go back and i don't want her to get the wrong idea that's all because of him. But i do still wonder if we're keeping this going because we were comfortable when i left and neither of us wants to lose that. I'm just not sure if I'm going to make it back over there and he's not sure he can come over here. But damn i miss him.