Doing Better

I really thought I was doing better, I was even starting to believe that my psych prof's lecture on anxiety and depression had helped and that by shedding some light on depression I was understanding how to avoid these feelings better but then I hit that moment. The moment after you spent 6 hours alone, talking to yourself in a dark room, playing/getting frustrated at Candy Crush, and reading random stories online, that you hit a line in the story that triggers innumerable amount of memories. Memories that you thought you had repressed and thought could no longer hurt, that you felt certain no longer held any meaning and that you were moving past them. But not when you read a line like "you were the one who said you never truly forget nor stop loving your first love.", you read a line like that and suddenly you're feeling a whirlwind of emotions you're hurting and wishing you could just go back, and telling yourself for the 3 millionth time that 'if only you had stay just a week or two longer he wouldn't have given up so easily' and that maybe instead of pointing out the 1 year mark from the day you left on Facebook, maybe you'd be celebrating your one year anniversary together (or at least via Skype). And all that thinking brings up the thoughts that instead you are alone and feel nearly friendless and that you have so many other things to worry about like what you're going to do in a year when you graduate; if you don't find someone before then, then when are you ever going to meet someone. And why can't you just be like everyone else and maybe your major is all wrong and why does no one ever take time to look beyond the façade you've built so well... like he did which takes you back to him and just wanting him to leave you alone but you don't want to be alone. And you realize you are trapped in this vicious cycle.


Oh to live in my mind, now that is to know real fear.

Not Every Night, Not Even Most

I don't have much trouble sleeping during the school year, school and life just exhausts me but ever since March there have been nights that I've struggled. As we head into November they've become almost non-existent now and for this I am truly thankful for 2 reasons. 1) I like sleeping and 2) I really don't want to dwell on this anymore, it's not fair to me and is giving Him way too much power over me. But tonight as I lay here, trying not to dwell on the past and that could have/should have/ might have been only if... I can't help but realize that it's been almost a year since I've seen Him in person, it's been 7 months since I've seen Him via Skype, and it's probably been about a month since I've even crossed His mind, as I'm trying to see if not talking to him on FB will help; so why do I still let Him control me? Why does He get to be loved by two when no one seems to give me a second thought? I ABSOLUTELY HATE that He is still my first thought when I hear a love song and even more than hating that, I hate that deep down I think if I were to go back to Australia (whether it had been last may or January 2015) that I still think He'd come running back to me and I'd accept Him. Why should I? I did nothing wrong, He's the one that should feel like crap, should spend countless nights not sleeping, missing me, trying to figure out if there's any way imaginable to get me back. It's not fair and I know life's not fair but I deserve so much better than Him and yet, for some reason He's still the only one I want, the one I compare every guy to. This sucks, I just want to move on.

Moving On

Some people think it's long past time for me to move on and don't understand why I would even think about giving him a second chance. Well the logical side of me doesn't understand it either. Honestly, I really want to. I want to move on and find someone new, forget about all the pain he caused me and beside all that to be able to sleep peacefully at night. Clearly my subconscious hasn't let go yet. Late at night, normally when I've had a really nice day, my subconscious finds a memory that I thought I'd hidden way deep down, tucked into a folder in a filing cabinets that sits in a dark, dusty corner in my brain (not that my brain is dusty). It pulls out said memory and plays it like a movie in my head, its favorite seems to be the last night that I actually slept in Australia (which was the night before my last night, the Wednesday of that week). I still can't believe that is an actual memory and not just a fantasy, it's memories like that, that make him so hard to forget. I try and I try but when you go from feeling safe and secure to heartbroken and betrayed by the 1st person... well just from by Him, sometimes your heart tries to trick you into thinking the good memories out weigh the bad actions. Not true, but the heart has a mind of it's own, at least mine does.

Thankful

Almost every day Liz or Jody will post a blog entry from a woman who only got to be with her baby for 10 hours before God took her, and as I reflect back on this past week on how much I have hated my life, being alone and just generally feeling unloved, I realize I am loved beyond my wildest dreams.
I have some great friends, maybe not as many as I thought, before I left for Australia, but still the few I do have I know love and care about me, and I have my parents who would do almost anything for me. I should be so much more thankful than I am toward them, and as I was reminded yesterday after making an off-handed remark, I am looked up to and seen as a role-model by 5 fourth graders; I'm admired and a child's love is always true. My older sister and best friends are always there for me and my brother's in another country fighting so that I can continue to live in a country that lets freedom and not injustice stand.
 

So while I may be single and there are so many things I WANT in my life, fact is I'm alive and God has provided all that I NEED. My life was not cut short and clearly I have a purpose in His eyes. In His eyes I am wonderful, beautiful, and worthy of giving a chance. A chance to figure out this crazy thing called life, to go after my dreams, new and older, to make my mark on this world. And any guy on this planet who doesn't see that, isn't worth my time and shouldn't be taking my attention away from the things in my life that matter, however that doesn't mean I'm just going to forget him, he still means a lot to me and I hope we'll always be friends, he taught me too much to just toss him aside and that's why I love him (as a friend). My life could be so much worse. To quote Lee Greenwood "I thank my lucky stars to be livin' here today".

 

Now let's see how long I can keep up this positive mood.

 
Ps. If not for a very important couple, I'm about 90% sure I'd have lost hope in true love after last spring. Individually and together they have taught me a lot and inspire me to persevere in everything. Whether, it's her listening to me drag on and on about nonsensical things or it's him, just the look he gives her sometimes, it gives me hope that one day I find a man that loves me like he loves her or even if it’s the two of them unwittingly showing me that no matter what others think or what obstacles you face, if it's meant to be, it'll happen. They are truly an inspiration, I should thank them and give thanks for them heaps more. All in all I am blessed.

I needed time

Time to think, to reflect on everything without writing everything down for apparently the world to see but now that I have thought things through what Boy did was probably for the best, if he wasn't able to hang in there before I got back over there this time (I ended up needing a new computer so I didn't go anyway) what would keep him from moving on if we had to be apart for longer. It must not have been right for me, not that I don't still miss him sometimes but I know deep down he's not The One.

Speaking of The One, J&M are finally married, I'm so happy for them but at the same time it's brought some scary thoughts to mind. 1) What happens if I never find what they have, I don't want to be alone all my life, which takes me back to missing Boy again... sigh. 2) I really hope my friendship with J doesn't change too much now, I'd hate that. I know it's going to change a little because she's farther away although she's been farther before and now there will be no more spontaneous sleepovers because that would be weird with her &M in the next room and there'd be no point for her to stay here since now she has a husband. IDK, I just don't want to lose her; which essentially boils back down to I don't want to end up alone. My two best friends on the planet have a husband and a serious boyfriend and it's like I'm chasing them, yelling 'wait for me, don't forget about me!' but there's nothing I can do to catch up, I have to be patient and wait my turn. I just wish I could get a little sign as to when my turn is coming. When you're waiting in a line you can normally see the end so you know how many people are in front of you but that's not the case this time. *sigh 😡

My life's an open book

girl goes to foreign country, girl meets boy, boy tells girl they have to be just friends because it would be too hard when she leaves, boy says this for 3 months, girl finally gives up and boy seems to have suddenly changed his mind, girl is happy but at the same time sad she only has a month left, day girl has to leave finally comes, BOY (note the emphasis) kisses girl on the cheek, girl gets real sad she has to leave boy but decides she'll come back in 5 & 1/2 months, girl believes they can make it that long, girl gives the boy the only thing she can her first kiss then leaves but when she looks back boy looks happy, she cries almost all the way home an then every night for a week because boy isn't talking to her, then they start talking again and things are good, valentine's day is perfect or as perfect as it can be with them on different continents girl thinks, 3 & 1 /2 months after girl left boy, boy tells girl that he is "currently with someone at the moment." and that he's "really sorry" girl cries, girl just spent $381 on her visa to go see him (and other friends but mostly him), mostly girl is crying because she thought although they weren't physically seeing each other that they were together, day 1-3 girl can't figure out what she did wrong, day 2 girl finds out new girl's name then proceeds to try and figure out what happened on her own since boy won't talk to her, day 4-7 (after talking to friends) girl gets pissed, week 2 girl really misses boy but has been convinced that if he really cared about her he would have handled that better, week 3 girl cries some more and finds out that new girl is 28 but kind of pretty and boy seems happy with her, week 4 girl needs to focus on exams regardless of the fact that she can't stop thinking about finals week in Australia and all that happened those last 3 weeks.
And that brings us to today, today girl thought she might get the chance to actually talk to boy, really talk to boy for the first time in over a month. Girl is disappointed and realizes how boy and girl's friends must have felt those last 3 weeks when boy and girl only wanted to spend time with each other. Girl misses boy not just because of the romantic bond they built not even mostly because of that bond. Girl misses boy because for 3 months before that bond. When he mistook her introverted nature for independence and her sarcasm for humour. He saw past the rough exterior that girl has built to keep her self from being hurt and he made a friend. Girl thought that boy was trustworthy that even if they were never more than friends that at least they were friends and could tell each other things. Girl misses boy because boy was girl's best friend when she needed one. Girl wants boy to be happy even if that's with someone else but girl also hoped boy would still try to be her friend

Being me is Hard!

My day just went from good to bad all because one test brought me back to reality. I have never done so poorly on a test in my life, well there was that one but it doesn't count because she's just dumb. Anyway I am just stressing way too much. I'm tired of all this school crap, I no longer have any idea what I want to do with my life and my academic adviser, as nice as he is and as helpful as he was with all the stuff I needed for Australia is virtually useless when it comes to helping me figure out what classes I need to take and I really don't like science. I love learning about animals and stuff but all this useless science like ochem which i know for some people is important but i don't see how it's relevant to me. I'm stressing about trying to be a better person and christian, staying in touch with my friends all over the place and involved with cru and rallycats. Trying to figure out how this flight and all the details for Australia are going to fit together and now He's not speaking to me. well he's not avoiding me so much as he's just been busy and i'm stressing both of us out. I just wish someone would sit me down and tell me here's what you need to do and here's how to do it not to mention i wish i had a little more of a constant support system. Someone that's not dealing with something massive of their own. I know everyone has their own problems but not everyone is planning a wedding or dealing with being thousands of miles away from their boyfriend like the two i'm most likely to turn to. There's another i would normally turn to but she's not always the easiest to talk or to get to understand.
When I'm at my lowest it always seems like that's when the people i think i can turn to are the farthest away or are too busy. So it's strange when people I hardly know want to help me are there for me like my friends should be. I mean these people are friends we're just not close. I feel like there are only two MAJOR problems in my life one is ochem and the other is Him.
I need to pass ochem to get my degree or change my major and either way i need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life.
As for him, i knew we had something special from the beginning and that it would be hard when i left but i thought my reassuring him that i would be back would be enough for him to hang in there. it's literally 6 and 1/2 weeks til i get back there and now he's telling me there's someone else after i already paid for my visa. I gave him the perfect opportunity to stop me and he did nothing. I keep telling people he's not the only reason I'm going back and he's not but to put it all out there he is 90% of the reason. I'm not sure if the other 10% (travel and my other friends are enough). But i already paid for my visa and i'm not wasting $381. So I'm going back to Aus. I think i'm trying to convince myself that i can win him back or that whatever is going on with this other person won't last or that when i get back over there he'll see me and he'll know exactly how he feels. I mean he and i (and even my 1st roommate) said there was something there from the beginning. I just don't understand what could have changed in 2 weeks, we talked two weeks ago and nothing had changed, NOTHING! i went on spring break and that entire week we talked once for less than 5 mins. You (and he) can't expect me to believe all this happened in one week. He was so cautious and hesitant with me, no way he would rush into something with someone else. There has to be more to the story and I just need to be patient and wait for him to explain. A test of my patience again.

Ochem

Nothing will kill your spirit and motivation faster than realizing you don't have any idea what you're doing in the one class you need to pass most. I'm declining the job at Domino's so i can put more effort into Ochem and so i thought i could volunteer at the SPCA but apparently the pre-vet club isn't doing that on Saturdays anymore and Saturday is the only day I can do it. I'm not going to RallyCats tonight because they're just watching the basketball game and I just generally don't feel like doing anything. I feel like giving up at being involved and going to school. I want nothing more than to be in his arms and have him tell me everything is going to be okay. But I may have even screwed things up with him. I told him about being a Christian and how it doesn't matter if he's not but I am curious as to what he believes which isn't what's got me worried, I actually think he's okay with that. What's got me worried is that I asked him what we are, as in are we dating or what. It didn't bother me while I was there because everyone over there could tell how much he cared about me and that we were practically together, most people probably thought we were. But he said he's been thinking about it too so i guess that's a good thing. I mean he kissed me first and he's done so much for me there's no way he doesn't care about me but that doesn't mean he's going to be willing to put his heart on the line and say he wants to be in a relationship with someone who (at least til i finish school) lives on the other side of the world. Looking at it from an outsiders point of view it seems crazy, not unheard of but crazy. We'd have to have something pretty special to do that and we do if you consider we've both felt something since the day we met. I just don't know i feel like I'm losing everything i care about and if i lose him I just don't think i'll have much left. Other than God and since Australia I'm not sure how strong my faith is regardless of what i told him.

Screaming!!

i wrote this a couple weeks ago, i still miss him but i feel better about most of the rest of the stuff

I MISS MY PIKACHU!!
I just needed to scream that. As midnight approaches so does February, the month of love, romance, relationships, and mushy-gushy-ness. I thought after meeting him in July and the way things were going in November that I would be excited for Valentine's Day. Thinking maybe he'd do something great for me or even something small but meaningful but I'm starting to realize that no matter what he does, short of flying over here, that day is just going to suck. I miss him on a day-to-day, actually more of a minute-to-minute, basis but a day that is devoted to spending time with that one person or those few people that you love most in the world (see I can say world because I do love people all over the world) is going to be really hard. I'm not super close with my family but even being able to curl up with my mom would be nice on that day but I won't be able to do that either. I'm lucky in a sense because it's a Thursday and that means I get to be with both the RallyCats and some Cru people because of life group but none of that compares close to how I feel/felt when I was in his arms. I felt safe; I knew that for once in my life someone was only thinking about me. My parents love me, my sisters say I'm the favorite, brother knows he is but I’m probably a close second, but they think about all of us and want all of us to be safe and happy. All he wanted when he held me was for me to be safe and happy. Okay, maybe it made him happy too but I know that he was also doing it because he cares about me. Worst part is that since I can't be with him or my mom (or my puppy), the next best thing would be to be with J (and M) like freshman year.  But they're engaged now, that means wedding planning will begin soon and after that the actual wedding and before too long they'll be starting their life together and I’ll be without my best friend. I haven't told anybody that yet but I hate the thought of losing her and as much as she might try and say things won't change and that she'll still have time for me, it won't be the same. I know it's selfish to think like that but sometimes she's the only one that gets me (down here) and even when we don't agree or get busy with school or life I know she's always there for me. That's what I'm most afraid of, I already feel slightly out of place at Cru because while most of them will say they are my friend, very few of them bothered to reach out and ask how things were going in Australia. Sure they wanted to hear stories but only if they didn't have to go out of their way to send a measly message and that really hurt. I left Cincinnati feeling great, on top, people were going to miss me and when I got back they'd be so excited to see me. I got back and hardly any of them even notice I’m around half the time. At life group tonight we talked about feeling alone, well that is exactly how I feel without my Pikachu. Pikachu, I choose you. :(

Cincy Bound

I'm headed back to Cincy in the morning and as excited as I am to get out of the house, see my friends again, and get back into my regular routine, I'm still worried that I'm not going to have much time for w/e it is he and i have going on. I know it would be a difficult balance even if he was in Cincy but him being half way around the world definitely makes it harder and at least if he were in Cincy I would have to add a job to my already crazy school schedule. Sure, I don't have to go to every sporting event like last year and I probably won't but I would like to see a baseball game in the spring and the RallyCats, although I'm not super close with any of them, there are a few I would consider friends. I hate that I have to take Ochem, always have, but even more so now because I know it's going to be hard and now that I'm about 95% sure I'm not going to get into vet school (I'm still going to apply though) I don't know why I'm taking it. I hate even more how much I've fallen for that stupid boy. I've seriously thought quite a few times since I got home how I could forget all about being a vet, move to Australia and just be his wife and mother of his children. I've found myself saying that I could be happy being housewife and all I've done is kissed the guy. I hate him sooo much. Worse than all that is I feel like I can't talk to J any more. Every time we talk she acts like she's interested but all she really wants to talk about is her damn wedding. I mean, yes it's going to happen that much is inevitable, but calm down girl he hasn't even proposed and honestly I don't blame him. You may be more than ready but he has to be ready too and I think the more she pushes the longer he's going to wait. I'm afraid one day she's going to go to far, so he'll ask not because he wants to be because he feels forced or coerced to ask. I may not know him as well as she does but I feel like he and I are similar in some ways. We're more reserved than she is by far. It also seems like he has his own way of doing things and she doesn't understand all his reservations I'm not saying that I do but I'm not the one who wants to marry him.
I know I am in no way an expert on relationships but it seems to me that communication is the most important aspect and I know she doesn't always listen to what I'm trying to tell her or at least she doesn't try to understand where I'm coming from. I'm not saying I'm perfect actually just the opposite, I have the worst time trying to explain myself which makes it hard to understand my point of view sometimes and it normally takes me (when we're talking about typing things out) 3-4 paragraphs what someone else could have said in 1 or 2 sentences. I think part of that is when I take the time to explain things it's to someone I care about and I hate upsetting, hurting or disappointing the people I care about.
Now this is one thing I like about my boy, even when I'm be "a looneytoon" as he put it he takes the time to try and understand me. No he's not perfect but to steal his phrase he's "everything".
 
I've found a boy that I can be myself around, that I can goof off in front of, that I can ask stupid questions and not be laughed at but with, he drives out of his way to get me, and he doesn't care because he at least got to see me. I can't stay mad at him because he makes me smile every time. He's there for me, no matter what. And even though we're miles/kilometers apart, I've never been closer to someone. ~PJFH~