Realizations

You ever have something just hit you, like, wow! I can't believe this never occurred to me before? Yeah, well, that happened to me last night. On one hand, I'd like to say it's been so incredibly hard being away from my best friend that I don't know how I'll go 4 months straight without seeing her but it really hasn't been. Yes, every now and then I miss her like crazy but I've made new friends and while none of them could ever come anywhere near close to my very best friend, a few of them are pretty high up there. It hit me though last night, I won't have any of them down there. I will have no support system and while it will be great to get to be around an animal(s) every day, it will be difficult not getting to see any of my friends. I never thought in such a short time (like two years) that I would have such a strong connection with so many people. It's going to be hard enough losing some of them to graduation but at least if I were staying here I'd have a chance at seeing them at least a few times next fall. J went home early last year so I didn't get to spend spring with her but she could still come visit every now and then. This will be unlike anything I've ever done, different even from college because at least while I'm here I'm only an hour from home. I could go home if and when I had to, I can't do that over there. Don't get me wrong, I realize this is the chance of a lifetime and I'm so very thankful to my super supportive parents and friends but at the same time that doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have reservations. I'm not super close with a lot of people, it's just not in my nature to be, so those that I am close with mean a ton to me. It's not even just that I won't be able to hang out with them or get to see them, i will also be 14 hours ahead of everyone in Ohio so it's not even likely that we'll be online at the same time. Maybe if I get on before I head out in the morning and they're on around dinner time or before i go to bed and they're getting up for class... it's going to be difficult is my point. I'm going to give it a shot but it's not going to be easy.

With Friends Like These

This week was an immensely stressful and trying week for me. One of my best friends' birthdays but I'm struggling with her being in the health care related field but still wanting to drink. Sure, she's not going to go out and get drunk but still if she knows how bad it is for her why would she want to do that? I'm all for letting people do what they want even when it comes to drinking. As I type, the RallyCats are preparing for House Crawl, which is a night dedicated to getting drunk and while I care about some of them I wouldn't consider any of them a best friend. I don't want to see them ruin their or anyone else's life because drinking lead to poor choices but I can't stop any of them, not even my best friend.

I also had three tests this week, I already know I got a B on one of them. I'm sure I did really poorly on another and on the third I think I did okay. I study like crazy this week and I'm pretty sure if I'd studied like that last year I wouldn't have had to retake biology but everything happens for a reason. If I hadn't had to retake bio, I wouldn't have made friends with some people and that would be sad because he's a good friend. (Just a friend.) This year has been good. Maybe not the best and there are somethings I wish with all my might would have worked out differently but like I said everything has a reason. God knows what He's doing.

We actually talked about that on Thursday, the "if onlys", just need to let them go and trust that God has it under control. I also have another best friend that just came to this realization, I'm so happy she's finally figuring things like that out. You can give them advice and tell them what you would do but until they decide for their self it won't do anything but waste your breath.

So if this week was so tiring and stressful, why do I seem like I'm in a good mood? (I am if you couldn't tell.) Well, this weekend has made it all worth it. I don't think J realizes how much just hanging out with her makes me feel better. We don't need to have a deep heart to heart, don't even need to talk. Just being around her and knowing that she's there if I need to talk makes everything seem better. However, on the flip side of that she also has a tendency to try and pressure me into talking when I'd  rather not. In some respects the two friends I talk to the most both seem to do that. I do want to tell them stuff but I want to tell them on my terms not theirs. Not every conversation has to include a why or a long explanation, sometimes it's just simple. But getting to hang out and watch movies or study while she watches a movie is nice. I love just hanging with my friends. I like hanging with my friends' friends too. Even if they aren't Christian. I know the Bible says not to be yoked to nonbelievers but if we don't befriend them how are we going to feel comfortable enough with them to share with them. I just don't function in a way that allows me to have deep, personal conversations with people I don't know well but maybe that's a fault in me. All that was yesterday and Thursday though. Technically it was this morning too but that was only an hour or two.

Today was another day where I got to spend time with people I consider friends but am not super close with and I'm starting to like doing that. I'm finding I like getting to know people but I prefer having others I know fairly well there too. For instance, the aforementioned friend I made because of bio was there and so was another close friend ( the one who picked me up from the party). I mean it's not like I didn't know any of them very well, it was just an odd mixture of people. Watched them play tennis and got to know about them a bit better. I found out about their future plans and about their past. It was fun, even got to catch a few rays. That brings me back to the doing things that one knows isn't good for them. Tanning can cause skin cancer, so it's not like I don't do things that aren't good for me but still I hate to see her do something that is bad for her but it's only cause I care about her, but it's her life so I don't say anything and like I said it isn't like she's getting drunk so I'll hold my tongue like I know she wants.

20

Yep, I'm 20. It's  a big deal to some people and not so much to others. Some (that it hurts to hear it from) say it's only 20, not like you're 21 or something, gee thanks, it shouldn't matter how old I am the mere fact that that was the day I was brought into this world and you consider me a friend ought to be enough to celebrate. You better believe that I'm not going to say anything on your birthday to make you feel bad. So you want to drink now that you can legally, okay I won't be happy to see you consume poison but it's your life, do what you want.Just show me a little bit of respect on my birthday. Sometimes I swear it feels like I care more than anyone else. It may be the fact that I'm not close to a ton of people so those I am close to mean more to me or it could just be that I take friendships more seriously than others. Whatever, I'm 20 now and I'm finally definitely going to Australia, no more maybe or depending on finances and that's all there is to it.

Being another year older never seems all that different. It's nice to hear everyone's well wishes and to see their appreciation of you but it doesn't seem like anything's changed. Change can be a good thing and I'm sure in a few months I'll have all the change I could ever want but at the moment it's kind of nice that things are just staying the same. I love Cincy, I love the friends I've made here, sure I wish classes were easier but I could also be putting in more effort than I am. I'm so very thankful for all the love I've seen in the last week, as well as all the sameness. I'm just trying to enjoy my life in Cincy before I leave for a while. I love it here.