Talked

Well that was almost worse than just flat out saying he didn't like me. I'm starting to hate the phrase "I'm just not ready for a relationship." Why do I keep finding guys that "aren't looking for a relationship?" I say I hate when they say that because it doesn't give me the slightest clue how they actually feel. It could be taken that they are just being nice and don't want to say they don't like me, or it could be that they haven't thought about it, or it could be that they do like me but aren't ready for a relationship which is the worst because it leaves me with the hope that one day they will be ready and I should just wait for them. The last guy who told me he wasn't ready for a relationship strung me along and even made me feel guilty about liking him so much and although he said we could be friends we hardly ever talk and we never hang out like we used to. Things are weird and strained between us and conversation doesn't flow. I don't know if i can handle that happening with another one of my guys friends. I'd say i was closer to the first guy than i am to this guy so it'd be even worse, i just know it. I can tell from the awkward hug like hand shake thingy we did after we talked. I've only ever hugged him once before, which is weird because he's seems like the hugging type, and this was just weird, it started out as a handshake and it was like half way through he decided a hug would be better but we were already shaking hands...idk it was just awkward. I've been told to think positively but if you really know me, you know I'm not a positive person. I want nothing more right now to go curl up with my puppy and cry. Why does life have to be so hard? I'd take a hug from my best friend too :( 
AND on top of all that I have a final tomorrow and a bio exam on Friday.

Tonight is the night

Well the title says it all, tonight is the night i make things obvious, if he doesn't get how i feel after tonight or at least if he doesn't acknowledge it, then it's time to move on. I've been thinking about this more and more lately and what i've come up with is half the time i don't think there's anyway he could possibly like me like that cuz he doesn't act like it...sometimes. Other times i try to convince myself that it's the same situation a friend was in where she didn't think the guy she liked ever thought of it like that altho it was completely obvious he did. With "my" guy he's not obvious about anything, at least its not obvious to me. Well like I said guess I'll know after tonight, at least i hope i will.

Anyway so while helping make the green bean casserole last night for tonight, my finger got sliced, it's not too bad but it still hurts and it did bleed for a while but i think i'm gonna be ok, but i skipped the rallycats meeting for to help and while it was fun. We made "truffles", i use quotes cuz real truffles are mushrooms and chocolate truffles are not what we made but they were good all the same.

anyway after we made most of them we took three (my friend matt) and made a snowman which we (i) then covered in milk chocolate, then once it dried we (a guy named brandon) dipped half into white chocolate, because some of theguys said he had to be white cuz he was a snowman but since dae'shawn was there and cru is racially diverse i decided he could be half and half. He's even got hair and two faces and buttons, well here look for yourself.

White half

Black half

so yeah thats what i did last night instead of my learnsmart for chem (ooops) and going to the rallycats meeting

Poor Finger

What's on your mind??

That is the question Facebook asks whenever you go to post a status and nearly 98% of Facebook users wouldn't dare to post what's on their minds. The other 2% is split between those people who don't post anything or have never noticed it says that and those who do post what's on their mind cuz they don't care what people think about them or simply aren't close enough to anyone on their facebook to care what they think. I, however, find that posting what's on my mind is more for a blog setup because well let's face it there's a lot on my mind at all times.
Most recently what's been on my mind has been whether to tell him or not. 3 people say yes and 3 people say no. While there are about 3 other people i could ask I don't feel like it would help cuz ultimately it's up to me. All six people have very valid points as to why i should/n't tell him and i respect all six of them a great deal, so their opinions mean more to me than almost anyone else in the world. I think it would however be helpful...at least to me (and that's all that matters) to lay out the reasons why for both, feel free to weigh in.


Tell Him

1. it is better to be straightforward than to hide behind it
2. a secret crush remains secret, even if both parties know of it
3. life isn't a Disney movie, you gotta get out there and get what you want - or at least have the closure of knowing you tried
4. it's a stereotype that guys have to take intiative
5. if it's the Girl who likes the guy, then the girl needs to tell the guy
6. you cant like someone and expect them to psychically understand how you feel, you need to let them know - maybe not upfront, but the message needs to be sent.
7. what if god is trying to get me to do something about it and im just sitting here and waiting
8. its pretty easy for guys to get crushes on girls that they hang out with a lot and are friends with, but they never wanna say anything so it wont get awkward
9. patience is one thing i seem to have very little of
10. spening all a lot of time dwelling on someone and it ending up that it's a lot of me taking things the wrong way and being distracted by those thoughts and feelings can make it even worse if things do come to the surface
11. it could mean the start of an amzing relationship

Don't Tell Him

1. i should just wait and see if he comes to me but she couldn't tell me how long i should wait, she just kept saying that i needed patience and when time was right god would bring the right guy into my life
2. the whole patience and waiting and timing thing is very tricky
3. idk if he's even ready for a new relationship
4. we don't get to hang out all that often so we're not as close as we once were
5. i think id regret telling him and it going bad more than i would not telling him
6. it could make for a super awkward interaction
7. its the guys duty to be intentional about telling the girl his interests (x3)
8. guys should know how to state their intentions, and if they don't, then they most likely don't have them or aren't at that place
9. i feel like if he really liked me he'd say something
10. we are called to be patient
11. it could mean the end of a friendship

So you see they have made some very valid points and some of those points could be interpreted either way, there is one person that i haven't gotten their oppinion on telling him and it might be the one that could give me the most insight and matter most besides his of course and i could ask him but it would involve being incredibly creative and possibly lying to him and i have vowed to never lie to him. Besides that would most likely end up in me telling him and im strating to think it might be best not to tell him, idk why just think itd be better to be patient.

Chem Test

In order to better study for my chem test i need to get a few things out in the open and off my mind. The biggest of these I know will still be there when I get done because he's always on my mind and probably will be until i talk to him or something happens but mostly i just want to say that i had a great weekend. I knew i missed hanging out w/ Janie but i didn't have any idea how much until this week, I've seen her everyday since Wednesday. We hung out wed. and finally got the chance to talk about some stuff which was nice and i really appreciate her effort to stay apart of my life even though we are both incredibly busy. I'm hoping that will change next quarter. And of course when hanging with Janie you can bet there will be time with Micah as well, which I'm starting to enjoy cuz it's fun watching him pick on her and them interact in general. I don't understand how the two of them couldn't see all i saw last year and really didn't know them all that well so that only emphasizes how obvious it was. I met a friend of theirs this weekend and i bring that up only because he has a baby and I've never spent much time around Janie and kids but i know she loves lil' kids, so seeing her with Sophia (a name i love BTW) was really cool. I don't think I've ever seen Janie so happy or in her element. I love when my friends are happy.
Anyway back to my weekend, which really started Thursday afternoon since we didn't have classes on Friday. So i spent Friday morning doing laundry then the afternoon on the comp. saw a friend i haven't seen a while, Chris, in the library. then Michelle and i (kinda) made a new friend, he's from Turkey, we went back to her house and ended up going to get cheesecake with Janie and her parents (BTW i DON'T like cheesecake) then went back and hung out at the house, then we went our separate ways. Saturday morning i had planned to take the shuttle to the game and hang out w/ the RallyCats at their tailgate cuz I've started every game I've been to w/ the RallyCats and it's just become routine but ended up eating breakfast at the house (i very unrealistically think that's why we lost, breaking tradition is never a good idea, especially not during a winning streak) but it ended up being a good day and spent that night with them and their friend then went back to the house where we all crashed, it was an exhausting day. I woke up about 7:50, i have a tendency to wake up fairly early when i sleep at their house i think its cuz my windows don't face the sun so it stays darker in my room, but w/e. I woke up in a world of pain, my bass drum mutilated spine does not agree w/ sleeping on a futon but after some stretching i felt a bit better. Drifted in and out of sleep waiting for Janie to wake up then we went to church then i came back to campus, had a shower which worked the rest of the kinks out of my back, then ran into Chris on my way to lunch so we ate together and now i should be studying. So other than the fact the we lost yesterday, it really was a good weekend and i wouldn't mind doing it again sometime.
BTW i did worse on this bio test but only by 2% points and studied for 3 hours less 74% in bio which is a middle C and still fairly good for taking it on a severe lack of sleep



But most important lessons of the weekend are: I don't like cheesecake or Reese's AND people should listen to me more often...people should really just listen better

Just for me but ur welcome to read

Dear Someone Special,

I can't stand not telling you the truth, any longer. It's not exactly that I'm flat out lying to you but rather that I'm hiding things from you and it's killing me so I'm just going to lay it out there, I like you. The question isn't why do i like you so much but rather why wouldn't i like you, you're amazing, you're funny, you're smart, you're a christian, i feel like we agree a lot and yet can still have our difference of opinions. I honestly can't think of one thing I don't like about you, except that I don't have the slightest clue how you feel. You make it impossible to tell, you're nice to everyone and seem to really care about your friends, me included. Even if you don't like me, I know you care about me and I think I can live with that. More important to me than you liking me back is that our friendship remain intact. Your friendship means more to me than a relationship with you. I tried to convince myself that I could like someone else but I find myself comparing every guy to you and none of them hold a candle to you. You're one of the few people I know that can make me feel better when life seems to be at its worst, whether it's making me laugh or just talking about whats bothering me, which we haven't gotten to do a whole lot this year. I miss talking to you. I miss you in general, I see you at least once a week and everyday I don't I miss you. And as co-dependent as that sounds it's only because I like you so much. It's like...well have you ever wanted someone so much it hurts? Your lips keep trying to speak but you just can't find the words to tell it like it is. That's how I've felt since about the beginning of last year. I did get a bit distracted for a while and although he was a great guy (still is) he's nothing compared to you and that never would have worked and I realize that more and more everyday. Like I said though, I think I'd be OK with you not liking me back, I just want to know how you feel.

Lovingly,
Sara

PS. I'd also like to talk more because friends should talk and we are friends.

$$$$Money$$$$

So my life seems to be focusing on money quite a bit lately. Last Wednesday i paid for Fall Get Away and then last Thursday Pitt got paid for and now my financial standings are swimming in deep water. Every email devotion I've gotten this week has had to do w/ money, too. Then this Wednesday Berg's talk at Cru was about God and money. I've never been the kind of person to spend irresponsibly, ask my family, i always have money although i'm the only one who's never had a job and while a job would be nice i think my inability to find one (besides an unmotivated pursuit), along with my broken computer, is God's way of trying to get me to focus on school. I know my grades weren't stellar last year in bio and im trying a lot harder this year so it has helped a little. And with the money shortage it means i'll be going out less and spending less so that is more time to spend on school and my faith. However, i also realize that anytime i run into my current situation things (money) have had the tendency to just show up. For instance i was completely unsure about where the money for Australia was coming from but my refund checks are going to help greatly then i needed money for Windows 7 and another refund check showed up, and although that didn't fix my comp. it's sure to come in handy some day, like if i need a new hard drive. Another example i keep finding change all over campus and while many people don't appreciate coins, what they don't realize is change can really add up, in the last two weeks i've found about 50 cents, which doesn't sound like much but if you were walking down the street and found two quarters wouldn't you stop and pick them up?? I found it in various coins, so my collection isn't just two quarters but i have over $10 in change.  I only came to Cincy with $6, that's over $4 in change in about two months. At this rate i could find nearly $18 in change by the time June get's here. And all this change comes from God because He knows my needs and he'll make sure im fed and my clothes are clean. :)

Salsa Dancing w/ mi amigos

So yeah I went salsa dancing, yes me, the girl who claims to not like dancing. I know crazy right but it was nice to get out and try something new. I asked Andy for some info and although he didn't really give me any besides to call robs he said id have fun and if robs was going i knew i would, hanging with robs is always fun. I did have a lot of fun, im actually pretty good at it when i follow the beat and give up control. But being me not having control is hard for me. but Andy's a good teacher and the other guys weren't bad either so i had some good partners. Speaking of Robs, i actually had a really nice conversation w/ her and im so glad i did because i have wanted for so long to talk to someone about him but have just not had the opportunity.
Switching subjects i'm super excited about going to pitt this weekend, panthers gonna get creamed. This will be the first away game i've been to let alone overnight trip w/ the RallyCats, im slightly concerned about the description of excessive drinking but it comes w/ the territory and i should be ok. but first i have a test in my German American experience class and i need to schedule my classes for next quarter...should go talk to my adviser, lol and finally need to get my ticket for WV game. so busy week but hopefully its gonna be a good weekend.