Under a rock

Remember my rant about the women leaders of Cru not taking enough interest in the students. Well, my point was proven tonight. One of them asked if I meant Australia when I said OZ. I mean I've only been talking about this since before spring break last year, thanks for paying attention. Almost everyone in Cru knows about my plans to go to OZ and if they don't, I either don't talk to them or we aren't friends on Facebook. Some of the guys were having a discussion about how busy the staff is and all that but at least the guys on staff try to make sure everyone has someone to talk to. The girls care about each other, I hope, but we just aren't as close as the guys. We don't have 5 women on staff either so that could be another problem. If we had more they might be a little bit better on keeping up with the students. I guess the wives of the men are technically on staff but they aren't around very often. I love my talks with J and I honestly am okay just talking to her most of the time but when the one woman that is actively involved in Cru doesn't know I plan on going to Australia until 2 and 1/2(ish) months before I leave, you know there's a communication break down and clearly she's not as involved as she should be. I bet the men leaders know I've been planning this, well maybe not berg because he's super busy but I bet the other 4 do.  I bet even one of the wives does. I mean it's all over my Facebook and I've tweeted about it before. Don't pretend you care when you don't, it's unnecessary and you're not fooling anyone, least of all me.

Laying it all on the Line

DISCLAIMER: I'm sorry if parts of this make you mad but I ask that you do 4 things before you respond, if you respond.

1) Keep in mind that I’m a 19 year old girl

2) Read the entire thing

3) Keep in mind things online don't always come across the way they are meant, so please don't fly off the handle at me next time u see me

4) Remember that you said that you like/admire that I'm so honest and upfront, so this is me being upfront

Idk how much my opinion means to you but while re-reading my blog (yeah, I do that) I came across the one that describes how I wasn't honest w/ u and even when I was "honest" with u, I wasn't. I was afraid of what your response would be if I was, so I twisted the truth a bit. Truth is I thought that don't like her. I guess I should clarify, it isn't that I don't like her, because she seems nice and she makes u happy, that much is obvious but I don't like how you've changed sense she moved up here. I thought that the two had some kind of correlation but like I said she is nice and she tried hard to get to know me. It wasn't bad last spring, you seemed happier and I was okay with that, but since she's been around she seems to dominate your time. And yes, she's important, she is a major part of your life, but it seems like she is your life, nothing else seems to be important any more, not life group, not supporting your friends, and not me, I know we're just friends and you are under no obligation to take an interest in my life, you don't even have to be my friend, God knows you don't talk to me any more, not like we used to. I still see u as an older brother, I like to think we are close and I think u really care about me, at least I used to think so; I’m not saying I could hold a candle to her for your attention but I thought I was important to u.

Do you realize the last time we really talked was on Facebook and even then it was at the end of January? I miss the guy I met last year, the guy that took me out for tacos and told me things not many people knew. The guy that I told about Him and other guys and trusted not to tell anyone. the guy that talked about more than his wedding; that's exciting but what else is going on in your life, how's your senior design coming (that is if your still working on it), how's work, what's she up to besides planning a wedding? I miss the guy that wanted to know about his friends' lives outside of the life group setting. The guy that would actually respond when I sent him a message. The guy that was trying his best to come see me this summer, not the guy that barely seems like he wants to be around me.

I know your super busy and stressed and that your life is about to go through some major changes and I have to be realistic, I may never see you after the last life group/Cru of the quarter because you'll have started a new chapter of your life. First with your wedding and then with starting a full time job and setting up your new house but while you’re still here it'd be nice to have my "big brother" back. I guess what I’m saying is I don't have to try very hard to imagine what it'll be like next year because you are already so distant that I already miss you.

Easter

I didn't go home for Easter and people keep asking me why? It's not that I didn't want to go home but rather home doesn't feel like home not during the holidays that require spending time with extended family, anyway. Don't get me wrong, I love my extended family but sometimes I can't deal with the drama that goes along with them. My immediate family normally pulls together and has a nice time on a holiday but add in the extended family (mostly my mom's side) and things almost always end up ruined for somebody. I don't think it's always been this way but since I'm only 19 I'm not sure if it's because I've only in the last couple years started realizing it or if just started rising. I'm pretty sure thing were good when I was little, not perfect but still pretty good. My cousin says it was our grandfather that kept things inline but I guess I never really paid that much attention to it. It does all have seemed to become more obvious after he passed away but the problems started before that. He could have been but I also thing this has all been coming for a little while at least. It isn't that there aren't days when I want nothing more than to go home and spend time playing with my 2nd cousins and being around the people I'm most comfortable with. Then there are days I hear about how they treat the aforementioned cousin and I'm so very glad I'm not around them and having to deal with their stupidity and irrational behavior. They all treat her like a pariah simply because she got herself out of a bad situation. Sure, she overreacts to/exaggerates some stuff, is attached to her phone like it's her heart, and isn't the most morally sound person on the planet, but the rest of the family is no better. I'm not any better than the rest of them because in God's eyes all sins are the same but the fact that they judge her and turn their backs on her, disgusts me. When I was little (3-9) we lived in Texas and would come visit our extended family in Ohio once or twice a year (christmas & summer). A few times right before we left I remember crying because I didn't want to leave my cousins. We always had so much fun playing school and house. Well, when I was 9 and we moved back "home" (Ohio), I thought it would be great to grow up with my cousins and be around my aunts & uncles & grand parents all the time. It was for a while but the older we got the more off course (unchristian-like) they (my cousins) became. I'm not going to go into all the details because as I've been told this is a public forum and as much as I don't like some of them (maybe even hate) they still deserve their privacy and they are my family. I will never turn my back on them (first). Point is because of some of my cousins' and other family members' poor life choices, holidays can be a bit stressful for someone like me who sometimes has no filter and is always rooting for the underdog. I can see both sides on most things and the things I do pick a side on I'm fiercely loyal to that side. So yes, I didn't go home for Easter, but I also wanted to spend Easter with family, just not mine. It stresses me out. I have proof, too, sorta.
People say acne is stress-induced, correct? Well, since coming to college, while academics have definitely gotten harder and more stressful, my face has really cleaned up, and I think we all know that it can't be because of Cincy's air. I say it's cleared up and that's mostly true. I have a tendency to break out every time I seriously consider going home. It's true. A friend offered to give me a ride home Friday and I started thinking about accepting it and then I broke out.
I had the opportunity to have a little chat with M this morning (yeah no J around so it happened) and he said something that sparked the urge for this "little" blog (more like a long rant, i know). He asked me if I was going home after church, which is a slightly silly question seeing as how that would mean a 4 hour trip for my mom, an hour down to get me, an hour back, a few hours there (2-3 tops), then an hour back down to drop me off and another hour back for her. But he asked anyway, told him no that I just wasn't in the mood to deal with family drama. Then he said it. He said something along the lines of 'Hmm, I'm glad I've been incredibly............blessed that there's never been any real conflict in my family.' It got me thinking, while yes all of the above is true, my life could be so much worse. I am grateful for my family, immediate and extended alike.
Side note:  I also wanted to see what it felt like to not spend a holiday/family get together day with family; it's strange and lonely and I don't like it but now I know. If I hadn't stayed here I wouldn't know and that's why I don't regret it. If you don't try things, you won't learn, and you'll regret not trying.