I really thought I was doing better, I was even starting to believe that my psych prof's lecture on anxiety and depression had helped and that by shedding some light on depression I was understanding how to avoid these feelings better but then I hit that moment. The moment after you spent 6 hours alone, talking to yourself in a dark room, playing/getting frustrated at Candy Crush, and reading random stories online, that you hit a line in the story that triggers innumerable amount of memories. Memories that you thought you had repressed and thought could no longer hurt, that you felt certain no longer held any meaning and that you were moving past them. But not when you read a line like "you were the one who said you never truly forget nor stop loving your first love.", you read a line like that and suddenly you're feeling a whirlwind of emotions you're hurting and wishing you could just go back, and telling yourself for the 3 millionth time that 'if only you had stay just a week or two longer he wouldn't have given up so easily' and that maybe instead of pointing out the 1 year mark from the day you left on Facebook, maybe you'd be celebrating your one year anniversary together (or at least via Skype). And all that thinking brings up the thoughts that instead you are alone and feel nearly friendless and that you have so many other things to worry about like what you're going to do in a year when you graduate; if you don't find someone before then, then when are you ever going to meet someone. And why can't you just be like everyone else and maybe your major is all wrong and why does no one ever take time to look beyond the façade you've built so well... like he did which takes you back to him and just wanting him to leave you alone but you don't want to be alone. And you realize you are trapped in this vicious cycle.
Oh to live in my mind, now that is to know real fear.
