Not Every Night, Not Even Most

I don't have much trouble sleeping during the school year, school and life just exhausts me but ever since March there have been nights that I've struggled. As we head into November they've become almost non-existent now and for this I am truly thankful for 2 reasons. 1) I like sleeping and 2) I really don't want to dwell on this anymore, it's not fair to me and is giving Him way too much power over me. But tonight as I lay here, trying not to dwell on the past and that could have/should have/ might have been only if... I can't help but realize that it's been almost a year since I've seen Him in person, it's been 7 months since I've seen Him via Skype, and it's probably been about a month since I've even crossed His mind, as I'm trying to see if not talking to him on FB will help; so why do I still let Him control me? Why does He get to be loved by two when no one seems to give me a second thought? I ABSOLUTELY HATE that He is still my first thought when I hear a love song and even more than hating that, I hate that deep down I think if I were to go back to Australia (whether it had been last may or January 2015) that I still think He'd come running back to me and I'd accept Him. Why should I? I did nothing wrong, He's the one that should feel like crap, should spend countless nights not sleeping, missing me, trying to figure out if there's any way imaginable to get me back. It's not fair and I know life's not fair but I deserve so much better than Him and yet, for some reason He's still the only one I want, the one I compare every guy to. This sucks, I just want to move on.

Moving On

Some people think it's long past time for me to move on and don't understand why I would even think about giving him a second chance. Well the logical side of me doesn't understand it either. Honestly, I really want to. I want to move on and find someone new, forget about all the pain he caused me and beside all that to be able to sleep peacefully at night. Clearly my subconscious hasn't let go yet. Late at night, normally when I've had a really nice day, my subconscious finds a memory that I thought I'd hidden way deep down, tucked into a folder in a filing cabinets that sits in a dark, dusty corner in my brain (not that my brain is dusty). It pulls out said memory and plays it like a movie in my head, its favorite seems to be the last night that I actually slept in Australia (which was the night before my last night, the Wednesday of that week). I still can't believe that is an actual memory and not just a fantasy, it's memories like that, that make him so hard to forget. I try and I try but when you go from feeling safe and secure to heartbroken and betrayed by the 1st person... well just from by Him, sometimes your heart tries to trick you into thinking the good memories out weigh the bad actions. Not true, but the heart has a mind of it's own, at least mine does.