RallyCats Party

Let's start with going to the basketball game, although you have to know they used part of a RallyCats (RCs) meeting to decide on the theme for this party, it started off a pretty good game UC was leading like crazy but in the end it got close and some how WV started scoring to end up winning by like 3, i think. After, and throughout, the game the other RCs were talking about Evan's party. One of them asked if I was coming and she said I really should, assured me I wouldn't have to drink, not that I would have even if someone had tried to force me too, so that got me thinking 'should I go?' I said this year was about trying new things, exploring who I am and getting out of my shell, what's a better opportunity than to submerge myself in a completely foreign environment? (anyone catch the parallel to Australia?) I talked to some friends about it and while none of them flat out said I shouldn't none of them were really all that for it either. One friend, whom before last night I would have only considered an acquaintance, and I talked for a while and extensively about it. His thought behind it was basically that everything is an opportunity for growth and my thought was if I got uncomfortable I could always leave, I'm glad I went even if I didn't stay very long. It was interesting to hang out with the RCs outside of a sporting event or a meeting. I mean I've eaten dinner with them and I went to Pitt with them but to go to a party and be with them when they are drinking and just hanging out was different. If you take away the alcohol and the pong, it wasn't that much different from a Cru party; loud music, people singing and dancing, people playing cards and just talking. I guess that's how all parties are though alcohol or not. I'm not super close with the RCs like I am with some of the people in Cru but if I went to more parties or just hung out with them more I would be and now that I know their parties aren't super crazy I might be a little more willing to do stuff with them. I'm not saying I'm going to house crawl or anything of that sort but maybe I'll just hang out more now. It was fun, even if every one around me was drunk or drinking. As long as I stick to the RCs and avoid their friends it should be fun every time. Their friends are just weird, they were talking about some sick stuff. I had fun, kind of wish some of the people I'm closer to or more comfortable with were there but they had good reasons. Like I said though, I didn't stay very long and I made a friend out of it. While it wasn't someone at the party, it was still because of the party that I now know I can count on him and that makes him a friend in my book. He talked to me about my fears and kind of encouraged me to go but without saying "Go!" or "I think you should go." it was more the fact that he understood I wanted to go but at the same time didn't want to be uncomfortable or in an awkward situation, he just helped me to see why it would be okay to go and then he came and got me when I was ready to leave, which was SUPER nice of him and I really appreciated it, there was no way I was riding back with any of those people, everyone had at least one drink, most more than that, and even walking back with a drunk/buzzed person just wasn't happening. Overall it was a good night and a good experience that might happen again some time. Maybe T will even be there next time, doubt it though, it's like she's fallen off the planet recently...jk i know she's busy.
Addition: Forgot to mention the night started with 7 people in a 5 passenger car, yeah they crazy but I love them.

Chem Exam

I've been looking over stuff for collectively 4-5 hours and I still have 2 and a half hours but I don't know what else to look at, it's only three chapters but it seems like 20 chapters worth of stuff. I'm not good at studying, I don't think I have ADD but my attention definitely has a deficit. I can't focus on chemistry for long periods of time and Bobst really is a bad professor, I haven't met anyone who wouldn't agree with that. I wish I had a better grasp of how to study and chemistry. I feel like I can't retain anything because I don't see how it's relevant to me or my future. I wish there was an applied chemistry course that showed how Van der Waal forces apply to treating an animal. Bobst said that as long as we do connect we will get a 'C' in the class but I'm starting to think he meant that the hw should be helping us to understand the material enough to get a 'C' and of course the homework isn't helping me enough. I can't focus, there is always something else on my mind or just a mental block that I can't seem to understand. If I understood how it all connected I might be doing better but it all seems like random pieces of information and that's not helpful in understanding. Bobst never explains anything fully, he says 'and that makes sense' without ever explaining why. I would go to the SI sessions if I didn't know for a fact that the SI sits and talks about stuff that has nothing to do with chemistry throughout the entire lecture, it's sooo annoying.

Regardless of all my problems with my chemistry lecture I still have to go take the exam and some how mange to pull of a good grade, I honestly believe I'm screwed for the final, it's on Tuesday of exam week and I don't have an exam Monday so you think it'd be perfect, but no my applied calculus final is right before it. I literally have 30 minutes between the two that is sooo stupid.

But I digress, I'm going to go get lunch sit through biology and then it'll be time to see what my little brain can do. Wish me luck.

Time

I've been thinking a lot about time this week. About how much has changed in the last 5 years (because that's a good time frame), the last year and a half (since I started college), and even since September (start of this school year).
In the last 5 years, since I was a sophomore in high school, I've changed a lot, who I like, my faith, what I support, what I participate in, who I talk to, how I spend my time, how much effort I put into things, and even how I dress.
In the last year and a half, since I started at UC, my faith has grown, how I spend my time has leaned more toward an extroverted side, how much effort I put into school, the environment I live in, and even my relationships with my friends has changed, some for the better some not so much.
Since September, the beginning of this school year, I feel like I've grown closer to some people while I feel like I can barely hang on to others. With the help of a very good friend we call J, I feel like every week I understand my faith a little more, every week has a new lesson in store and whether she knows it or not I'm learning a lot from her. I'm learning patience from my roommates, diligence and perseverance from J's roommates, and patience & willingness/ability to know when and how to let things and people go. From Him, I've learned that throughout disappointment, understanding can be found and a friendship doesn't have to end. In M and my "bro" I see strong men trying to do what is right for their loved ones regardless of what others think and I'm learning what truly Godly men should look like.
Most recently though, from Angel, I've learned that what's in the past is best left in the past, at some point we all must move on. I wasn't aware I was still hanging on  until I found out Angel had moved on and I was hurt. If I had moved on like I thought I had I wouldn't have been hurt. I tried to say that it was because A waited so long to tell me but deep down I was hurt because I was jealous. My Angel is someone else's now and I guess I wasn't ready for that even if I do like Him. He's amazing and can make me forget about A in a minute but still knowing that A was always there for me and I meant the all that I did to A made me feel special but now it's time to leave that in the past. I wish A and I were still close and we still talked like we did last year but we don't and that's just how life is. I don't talk to Him nearly as often as I did last year either. Like I said, my friendships have changed and they will again next year as well.
I am continually finding new scholarships to apply to which is good and I'm constantly learning new things that pertain to going abroad so I'm almost certain this is what I'm supposed to be doing. It'll be hard being away from J again but it's only five months and we've done that. It makes me wonder why I keep looking for a boyfriend when I'd just have to leave him in 3 and 1/2 months anyway. Sure, while I'm in Cincy it'd be nice to have that person I can just snuggle up to when I feel...well like I do right now and it'd make hanging with J&M a lot easier, not that I've done much of that lately. She asks, can M come along and of course I'm going to say he can, she tells me how busy they are and how little time they get to spend together, so who am I to say 'No'? but on the other hand I need my J time too, she's like the big sister...well she's like another big sister to me. I like, almost love spending time with M and even with the two of them together, please don't misunderstand, but I never know how to answer that question, if I say 'No' will she be upset? but if I say 'Yes' how much will we really talk about? Oh my dilemmas. Where did this rant start? Oh, right, if I had a bf then J & I could talk while M & he talked, it would just be more equal. I enjoyed dinner tonight, though, M's is a little more extroverted than I am so he's kind of able to keep the conversation going at points when J and I just sit there and trade glances & 'what?'s. I imagine that's actually kind of funny to watch, I'd look up and mouth 'what' and she'd look up and her expression would say 'what', but I like that about us, we can sit and talk or we can sit in silence, she knows if I have something to say I will and every now and then she'll say something, it's nice not having to make conversation all the time.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's day is tomorrow so I thought I'd do some searching, below is how I (and i think my friends) see me and what I think I need in a relationship.

The Core Motivation that guides me through life is "Peace." This is not referring to a political agenda or the absence of war. It is, however, an absence of inner conflict, much closer to the idea of serenity, and an acceptance of oneself and others. I have a strong and compelling need to keep things in balance in my life so as to maintain an internal feeling of tranquility and comfort. I resist confrontation at all costs. (To me, feeling good internally is even more important than being good.) I am quiet by nature, I process things very deeply and objectively with great clarity. I am the best listeners. I respect people who are direct but recoil from perceived hostility or verbal battle. I need my "alone time" and refuse to be controlled by others. I want to do things my own way and in my own time. I ask little of others and resent others for demanding so much of me. I am probably much stronger than people think, but am not often seen for my strength because I don't easily reveal my feelings. I am receptive to people's input, I see things very clearly and objectively, I am very adaptable, I shine when in my element, and I am calm under pressure. I have the tendency to accommodate what others want instead of having to tell them "no". Consequently, I tend to get overloaded with what other people expect of me and soon I become overwhelmed or end up doing things that I don't enjoy. What happens is that I allow others to take control of the direction of my life instead of driving towards the life that I desire. I do NOT enjoy conflict in the least. It is the opposite of what I crave through my Core Motive of Peace. Rather than get into an argument with someone, for example, I would rather pretend that everything's okay, or I would rather lie in a conversation rather than tell him what I really think and risk the potential resulting conflict. So I don't say anything, until it bugs me so much that a month later it comes out. Let's be clear... dishonesty is not attractive especially when a severe case of "lack-of-backbone-itis," lies at the heart of it, so don't go there. I need to feel good inside, feeling good and comfortable on the inside is more important to me than being good or doing the right thing. So I need someone 1)who doesn't create unnecessary conflict or confrontation, and 2) they need to be able to help me become more comfortable confronting the necessary issues and not allow me an escape route through dishonesty. I need to be allowed my own space. I enjoy being with people, but I don’t need constant social interaction by any stretch of the imagination. I like my alone time, it allows me to process thoughts and to daydream. I need someone who is able to allow me to have my release time. I want to withhold my insecurities. I feel insecure about my various inadequacies, and feel embarrassed and confused about what to do when such things are exposed. Therefore, I tend to guard those feelings of insecurity and inadequacy very tightly even from my significant other. This is not always appropriate nor does it facilitate growth, so I need to find someone with whom I am able to open my heart and be vulnerable to. I want kindness from that special someone. I can be the nicest, kindest person in the world. I don't like conflict, and usually see it as being unnecessary when it manifests itself. I don't like mean people and what they stand for. Therefore, I need a partner who is kind to me and doesn't create turmoil and unneeded stress in my life.

February

It's been a week and IDK i guess sometimes I just hate hearing "it's a public forum, you can't/shouldn't post stuff like that" so I wasn't in the mood to share my thoughts and OPINIONS. But anyway Feb. is a month that I've never really cared for, it's got a weird # of days, it celebrates dead guys and love, and there's normally terrible weather. Only difference this year is the weather has been pretty nice so far. It's been an okay week. I met some girls from Indiana, one of whom may be coming to UC, got to hang with friends and play with a bunny. But on the other hand I also feel like I haven't had time to just lie around and be lazy, sure it's not a necessity but I enjoy having a day to do nothing...by myself. From homework, to hanging with friends, to sporting events, it's just been non-stop. I love hanging with my friends and no one forced me to or to go to the basketball game but I wanted too, however, I just want things to slow down a bit. I have online hw, paper hw, an essay, and a movie all for spanish, chem hw, 4 bio hws, chem lab report and hw and then at some point (before thursday) I need to look at calc. IDK how I'll get through this all but I'm trying and I was even responsible. All of the above is due some point between now and Friday and I've already gotten the spanish hw, 1 of the bio hws, and the lab report done (all today). That only leaves the essay, the paper hw, and the movie for spanish, chem hw, 3 of the bio hws, and my lab hw. It sounds like I still have a lot but the lab report and online hw were probably going to take the longest, 2 of the bio hws aren't open yet, the movie is more of an in class/ kinda outside class thing, and the others I'm just tired.
Sunday was the Superbowl (again as you know) and my friends decided to have a party at their house, so I walked over to their house (it was still light out and it's not that far, don't worry) and that was fun-ish, I sat amongst the guys so I didn't hear a word the announcers said all night but that was okay, the guys kept me entertained. I  have never seen guys talk so much about other stuff besides the game during a football game. Afterwards while getting ready to leave, He piped up and asked if anyone needed a ride, I thought our friend said he did and he lives in the dorm next to mine so I told Him I did too (this way he could just drop us both off and two people wouldn't have to drive over, not that its that far but still) anyway i guess our friend found a different way back, so I ended up riding back to campus with Him...alone it was actually kind of nice, it was a lot like old times, we talked about school and it wasn't really all that awkward, i mean He's never made it awkward, that's always been my doing but it seemed like old times, it was nice. He probably never thinks about it but I do a lot and it's just hard letting go...but I think I'm doing better than I have in the past, I think part of what's making it a lil bit easier is His personality. Just taking it one day at a time, and school is helping, this quarter's been crazy (look almost full circle). One day, I'll look back and think to myself I'm glad I have/had friends like Him who let me be myself and didn't let little things ruin a friendship.
However, all that said I still don't want to be alone on Valentine's day :(