It's NOT jetlag

It's him and my computer.
When I'm alone I can be on my computer as much as I want because the light and my typing isn't going to bother anyone. We went to my brother's for Tuesday night to Thursday afternoon and my sister's and I slept in the living room, I couldn't be on my computer because it would wake them up and I'm actually that considerate...some times. Also when I'm alone I'm free to think and cry. And believe me, I cry almost every night. I'm crying because I miss him and think I'm never going to see him again, or because I miss him and don't think he misses me, or because I miss him and now that he's missing me and that kills me. I absolutely hate being in love (if that's what this is), it's almost worse than being single because I now know there's a guy out there that cares about me as much as I care about him and I can't be with him.
Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you I absolutely love UC and my friends down there but if I could would finish my degree over there. I want to be with him (not sexually), to feel his warm embrace and see his big brown eyes look at me like no one has ever looked at me before. To be able to tell him how much I care about him and have him stroke my hair and tell me how much he loves my eyes. SOme people will think this is just another of my silly crushes and that I've just fallen too deep again but I'm the only one who's ever seen the way he looks at me and heard the way he talks to me when he's being, as he puts it, lame.
We chatted on facebook tonight and some of the things he typed i could almost hear him say. I don't know if it was helpful or not to talk to him because on the one hand it made me want to be there with him so much more but it was also nice to be able to talk to him.
Damn it, it's only been a week since I last saw him and already my heart is breaking. :'(
Even half way around the world he's trying to comfort me; boy has his faults but he's still great.

Up late or early...

So since I got back I've had trouble sleeping, some would call it jet lag, heck that's what i told him it was but that's not true. I miss him like crazy and I feel like i can't tell him that because i already have and I don't want to annoy him. I have a tendency to get a little clingy when I'm lonely and I've never felt more alone in my life than the moment i walked around the corner toward security in the Sydney airport. My biggest flaw in my opinion (in matters of the heart) is that when I care I have the ability to care too much or more than the other person. I've been seriously considering going back to Australia, just for him. Sure, I miss the other friends I made and being so close to the beach but mostly I just miss him. I miss the feel of his arms around me in the wee hours of the morning and the way he looked away when I'd look directly into his eyes. The way he was always up for a walk to the beach and his lame jokes, made me feel special. He's an amazing guy and I know I've said that about other guys and I'm lucky to have such amazing young men in my life but even the guys before him pale in comparison to him (and not just because he has such a tan complexion). I've never had anyone take so much interest in me or be so willing to go out of their way for me. I think we really had something and leaving him was one of (if not the) hardest things I've ever had to do. Seriously, ask him how many times those last few weeks I just randomly broke down crying, then multiply that by 2 for the times I wasn't with him. Not to mention I've cried for/about him at least once every day since I got home. I just miss everything about him, I've watched the video he made me at least 10 times and it's only been up Sunday morning. Every song I hear and every thing I do or see I can relate to him in some way. I think I may be bordering on the edge of obsessed and why shouldn't I be I spent nearly every second with him for a week to 2 weeks. Damn I miss him.

Leaving

I don’t know how people can leave their significant others. I said goodbye to him 5 and ½ hours ago and I am finding it really, really hard to hold back the tears, in fact I’m crying at the moment. There are a number of reasons why it may be so hard, for instance there is a VERY large possibility I’ll never see him again in person, as well as I’m alone, there’s no one to talk to so all I’m doing is sitting here wallowing in the memories trying to convince myself that I hate him. He’s the first guy to have ever kissed me and this first that I’ve ever kissed, in that sense he is my first love. I think I could deal with missing him if I knew I was going to see him again but I don’t and that’s hard. It would have been so much easier if we hadn’t gotten close, hadn’t spent the last 4-6 nights laying/sleeping in each other’s arms. I miss him like crazy and it hasn’t even been 8 hours. If I’d left and we’d been on bad terms or if the last thing I did hadn’t been kissing him or if he’d been a little more upset. I know everyone deals with situations/goodbyes differently but his laughing didn’t help. He told me he was going to so I should have expected it and I have a feeling he was doing it to keep from crying. I told him a couple days ago I can’t handle when guys cry. I’d have been touched if he did but I’m glad he didn’t as well. That’s another thing he was so strong for me. I told him I didn’t want to go and although I know he didn’t want me to leave either he’d have made sure that I did.

I’m so glad I got the opportunity to go to Australia and I’m so very grateful to have met him but I don’t understand why I went half way around the world and found someone who wanted to be with me, someone that I can’t be with physically for an extended period of time. I’ve resolved to find a job and go back as soon as I can. I hate this damn 13/14 hour flight and I imagine saying goodbye to him again wouldn’t be any easier, actually might be harder, but to get the chance to come back for a period of time that we’re not and school and spend tons of time together is all that I want right now. I wonder if my parents would understand. I have friends that have made long distance relationships work, like Ohio & Georgia and Ohio & South America, who’s to say he’s not THE ONE for me. Would it be hard for one of us to leave everything we’ve ever know n and live in a different country, yes but if this is true love I’d be more than willing to move to Australia; the beaches, the animals, the education system, it doesn’t sound like a bad life. I’d miss my family like crazy but we’d find ways to make it back to Ohio and when we couldn’t I’d have my own family and it would probably be a lot easier to become a vet in Oz than it would in the states and if not I could see myself as a housewife, taking the kids to school and the beach, caring for our animals and loving my husband for the rest of my life.

 Some people would say it’s crazy to plan my entire life with a guy after only 4 & ½ months but when you’ve been single for 20 years and then you meet someone who has a way of making you hate them and love them at the same time, who tells you the only thing he wants for Christmas is you and who despite your rough/mean personality still wants to spend nearly every second of every day with you, well that’s not something that comes along every day. Damn, I think I may love him. Will someone please turn the plane around; I think I left my heart with a certain Pokémon in Australia. :’( 

Made it to LA finally (actually we landed early but customs here took forever then through security again, I can’t wait to get home and cuddle with my puppy. He’ll understand how I feel and how much I miss him. I used to say there was no person in the world that I loved more than Shiloh but that boy just does something to me.

My Boy

This is probably way too sensitive to put online but hey that's never stopped me before. He and I slept together last night (slept as in actually slept, no sex). To some people that see that as innocent and as nothing's wrong with that but i don't know it's just bugging me because a month ago he was still sayin' we were just friends and now all this close stuff is happening. I think he's starting to regret not giving us a try in the beginning although when i asked he said he wouldn't do anything differently, so maybe not but he's pretty good at saying one thing and acting differently. i hate how he's waited so long and i really don't want to leave him but i want to see my family sooo bad. I am, however, very proud of myself for following his lead and not pushing it like i've done before, we had our moments of disagreement and misunderstanding but he's really one of the best guys i've ever met and it's little things that have caused the problems. All in all i could not be happier at the moment, so long as i don't think about leaving. I teared up 3x last night while with him when i thought about leaving.