Day 3

Well today technically started with me playing soccer because it was after midnight, while M&J played Settlers of Catan which is an interesting game but I don't think it's quite my cup of tea, especially on little sleep and that late at night. So finally went to bed shortly after one and then woke up slightly after 8 and I don't function well on 7 hours of sleep (6 and a half is more accurate). So today we went out to do our day of mission. We (the entire conference) went out into surrounding communities, in partnership with the local churches, took boxes of food to needy families and beanie babies for the kids. M, J, and I along with a friend of M's went out together we had a few good talks but still nothing miraculous but i guess finding other believers in this crazy world is always miraculous because we have so much we can teach one another. So when we got back we had an hour 'til our big meeting and during that time I had the chance to talk to two (three-ish) really good friends and while they made me feel better and all gave me some good advice, it also made me realize how alone I feel here. J is great and she's been trying to include me and I've been trying to let her have time with M because IDK how many times she's told me that they hardly saw each other this quarter. But it's hard when there's no one else I really feel like I can just hang out with and be honest about how the conference is going or just talk about life instead of Indy CC, I mean I get that is the reason we're here and we are supposed to be learning and growing but I'm just not feeling it. I'm not here and I didn't at Fall-Get-Away either. IDK what it is about Cru this year but something has changed and I'm just not connecting the way I did last year, I feel like I'm trying really hard and I'm learning things here and there but overall there's something I'm missing. On the topic of just not being really into things here in Indy, that doesn't mean I'm not excited that 147 people turned their lives over to Christ today or that nearly 10 fellow Cru members did yesterday. I'm even happy for J&M to get time together but I guess i still just wish I had a best friend or a confidant in person, hanging around. Which brings me to him. I think I'm subconsciously making things awkward/worse between he and I. How u ask? Well it just seems like he's trying to act like nothing happened and while in someways I appreciate that, in another way it annoys the crap out of me because it seems like he thinks I don't still have those feelings; he doesn't understand how hard it is for me to see him and talk to him like I didn't pour my heart out just over a month ago and have it crushed. I just can't for a lack of better words be normal/casual with him. And what sucks the most he's acting exactly how I want him to but I'm so frustrated that it didn't work out the way I wanted and talking to him is just soo hard but not talking to him is killing me and I know if I keep it up, it's only going to make him confront me. Not to mention that if I just up and ignore him people are going to start asking questions. I don't want others knowing that something happened let alone what exactly did; I say it sucks because I hate how he's acting but IDK what I would want him to change, either. Another problem I have with it is, I'm afraid of getting close with him again while I'm still not over him, it'd only be feeding the fire and it's torture just being friends but like I told him his friendship is super important to me. I still stand by that and I'm trying to learn to let things go but as of this moment right now I'd rather be in Memphis with the RallyCats, especially seeing as how rutgers won, only make me want to see UC win all that much more. However, looking on the positive side of things as I often advise, I am looking forward to building a Gingerbread House here shortly and then MAYBE just MAYBE Cincy's Cru will hang out. IDK I'll let you know tomorrow.