Thinking

Been doing an awful lot of it lately, some about school most about life though. I've been looking into different life groups, I've been to three this week. I don't feel like I belong in any of them. 1st is the band life group which was nice last year because I wasn't quite ready to let go of that mind frame but now I'm okay with that not being a part of my life (at least not a huge part). I don't see those people that often and I don't really have a connection with them, although they are great people and I will miss a few of them. The one I went to on Tuesday (in Stratford) is made up of people I don't know very well and I think of the 3 I like that one best because they don't know me all that well either and it almost makes things more comfortable but we didn't really talk about anything deep so we'll see how that goes, I also don't like walking over there, since it's dark out and getting colder (finally). 3rdly there's the Women's life group and while I don't know everyone there really well, it's probably the one with the most people I am close too.  It includes the two lovely ladies who brought me to Cru, J and one of her roomies whom I had a class with last year, a girl I really got to know this summer/fall, and then the girls my age, who I'm not super close with but are the ones I probably should be, we're the same age, at the same point in our college careers and other stuff. Then there are the newer girls some who annoy me and others I just don't know very well and one who's brother I'd like to get to know. So it's not that the entire group makes me uncomfortable just certain members. For instance tonight one of them said something I completely disagreed with but I felt like if I said something I would have been calling her out and I didn't want to cause a rift or start anything. But then there are other girls in the group who just crack me up but also cause me to want to say things I really shouldn't. What's funny about this: "Nobody wants a President who isn't well liked, is ugly...that guy won't get voted for"...Um, Obama? (that's the thought that ran through my head, bad I know). That is the thought I had to bite my finger to keep from saying.
Back to subject, thinking; I've been thinking about Berg's talk yesterday and what I put my hope in. I probably don't need to tell you guys (& girls), you can probably tell me, they are the things I talk about most; love, relationships/friendships, travel, money, a good education, my future, and the list goes on. I put a ton of hope into love, I think that having a guy tell me he loves me will be all I need, I hope that having a lot of close friends will dissolve my anxiety of being alone and depressed. I think that going to Australia will break me out of my shell, give a chance to find a job (there) and help me get a job (when I get back). I think money will help me achieve my dreams faster/easier, I hope a good education will prepare me for vet school and then the real world. I think and hope my future along with MANY other things will make my life better and will make me happy. I hope in a lot but not very often do I hope in Jesus and the salvation He has provided me.
Thinking again; I've noticed, and it might just be a coincidence, if I mention someone in particular in my blog and they read my blog they have a tendency to confront me or change how they're acting, i find it interesting.
Thinking more, started a book last night, it's called Abba's Child by Brennan Manning, I'm only half way through the 1st chapter but it's interesting so far. It's got me thinking about how I present myself before not only other people and God but also how I think of myself. J and I are "going through it" together, not exactly what all that will entail but it'll give me a chance to see her more and we can always talk about other stuff, too. I'm not exactly sure of her reasoning as to why or why now but it seems like a pretty good time, other than my crazy school schedule but we'll see where it goes. God has used her in a lot of different ways in my life I'm sure He has a reason.
Been thinking about him, too. J asked me how that (my...relationship, idk what else to call it) was going. Now I know I've said before that it's awkward & strained and that it's MY fault. I am 100% aware that if I just walked up to him and started talking to him he'd just go with it and we'd be okay, but like I told J, I'm hurt & angry and because of those two feelings I'm afraid I'll say something I don't mean or will one day regret. Now if that makes it sound like I'm upset with him let me clarify, I'm not mad at him, I'm angry with myself (and maybe God, just a little bit) for continuing to allow myself to not forget it and go back to being friends and also upset that I keep letting myself get hurt. I'm not hurt by the way he told me he wasn't looking for a relationship (because he never said he didn't like me) because he couldn't have been better in the way he responded. I'm hurt because...well if you read my last blog you know how great I think he is, he's everything I want in a guy minus about 4 inches but i could live without those 4 inches. I'm hurt because I wanted it to work sooo badly which brings me back to the putting my faith in false idols. Ahh, a full circle interesting.