Lesson Learned

Every Sunday morning I wake up just wanting to go back to sleep I seem to find the sermon highly relevant. This morning it wasn't really the whole sermon but more like pieces. For instance James 1:26, says "If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person's religion is worthless" I need to learn to bridle my tongue, too often I say things that are just aren't things that should be said. He (the pastor) also brought up the whole conflict of not trying to be part of the "in crowd". I shouldn't be trying so hard to fit in and be liked by the right people. Some people do that in high school but in high school I could have cared less about fitting in because I had my support system and family and knew they were always there for me. Down here though, sure, I have a few really good friends that I know will always be there for me and almost everyday I'm reminded how much they care but some days it is as if I can do nothing right and that is hard. To be torn down completely, leaves me feeling defeated and useless. Being uninformed is another thing that makes me feel useless.
Back to the lessons though, so I'm spacing a little while typing this I'm so tired for some reason so let me summarize. 1) Need to watch what I say 2) need to stop caring so much what others think about me or more of who I'm hanging out with and how much. 3) that jealousy is an ugly thing and there's no need for it but I am definitely the jealous type, saw that twice this past week. 4) that I need to stop complaining about my grades when I wait until the last minute to study or don't study at all. 5) I'm starting to realize I am way better at acting like I have everything together than I ever will be at actually getting anything together. 6) I could probably change my major to a subject I'm better at like math or English and settle for just having animals in my life but I don't want to give up on my dream. 7) If anyone else I know had had the weekend I had they would be pretty happy and have said it was a great weekend but for me it was just okay. It was great to get to spend some time with the girls of Cru but all night I kept wishing the guys had been there. It was nice to have dinner with friends and to get to spend some time just chilling and being around a cat but at the same time I was wishing it had been a puppy and well other things, I like cats but they just aren't as much fun. Then church this morning, with friends again and even lunch afterwards with them, I wish that happened more often but at the same time I'm glad it doesn't because it makes me think too much. I have a problem, instead of enjoying being around my friends I am constantly thinking about what could make it better. I don't understand why I can't just enjoy life. I think it's because I'm not happy with life. I'm constantly trying to be and to please others so they will be happy so it's easier for me to be happy that I never relax and just enjoy things. I can think of only a handful of times I have been truly happy recently and most of them were last school year so they aren't even recently. They involve a good conversations or simply just hanging out with certain people. Most involve a certain two people but there are a few with some others. Majority of those times will never happen again because of lesson #1. I don't know why I can't just keep some things to myself.