Do You Ever

• think about your first kiss
• dream about the first person that held you (not your parents)
• wonder about that first special someone
• contemplate what one more hug or a few more seconds/minutes could have meant
• try to talk to them like nothing ever changed
• ponder just how much u meant to them
• wish maybe a friendly good bye

• long for the good days when you thought life couldn't get any better
• reminisce about that one moment in time where no one else mattered
• recall all the great times u've had w/ that ONE friend
• wish that you'd taken the chance
• yearn for the chance to go back
• dream about just one more hug
• contemplate where we'd be if nothing had ever been started in the first place

These are thoughts and wishes that keep me up at night. I replay that night in my head at least once a week, it used to be more. I can't help it, it just pops in and it's like a car wreck I don't want to look, yet I can't look away but worse cuz I literally CAN'T look away. 


Deep down, I know I've loved all the times we've hung out and I wouldn't change a thing about that night but sometimes I wish it'd never happened. It hurts ya' know, to believe someone likes you, to find out it's true and then to be told as much as it's true it just can't be :'(


I know you would never intentionally hurt me, if you could help it, cuz that's just not the kind of guy you are, but I'm in pain. I know one day it'll just be a distant memory but for now I'm in pain and you're just another, as one of my "BFF"s put it, non-boyfriend that's broken my heart. 


I know we can be friends because you already are one of my best guy friends and I wouldn't give up your friendship for almost anything in the world. But that doesn't mean I don't hurt and that sometimes I'm really upset with how things ended up. I respect your decision, don't get me wrong. It takes a strong man to know he's still in pain and not just use some girl to get over it. And you've been so honest, upfront, and willing to talk about it, no matter how many questions I have. Not only about what went on between us, but about your life in general, past, present, and future. I may seem strong and even a lil rough on the outside but deep down (mostly) I'm a scared, lil' romantic, who just wants someone to hold her and tell her that everything in life will be okay.


You're a great guy and I love you (calm down, it's just a friendly kind of love), you challenge me, even when you don't disagree, you question me to make sure I (and you) know my reasons behind what I think. I don't like having my beliefs tested but boy, you got a talent with words. I don't feel attacked when you do it, I feel compelled and encouraged to explain my point of view. I feel I can be open and that I could tell you anything. You make me laugh sometimes and othertimes you drive me mad but in either situation you stick to what you believe. If you thought the sky was a lovely shade of green despite all evidence otherwise, I'd laugh at you for sure but I'd also admire your strength to stick to your beliefs. There's no one I know who even comes close to you. I have some many different sides to me and you've seen about all of them and we're still friends so in my book you're a great, loyal, and trustworthy friend.


You may never have a chance at my heart again but I wouldn't give up on our friendship for anything (yet lol). You're an amazing guy, even with all your you-isms and you-things.


I really didn't mean for this to turn into a love/dedication/admiration/memory thingy but he's the one who sparks all the above thoughts so why not, if you know who he is, please keep that to yourself, obviously I respect him a great deal and would rather like to keep his privacy...his, thanks :)